How do I do this?

WilsomomWilsomom
edited January 2013 in VENT (keep it peaceful!)
I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like I'm losing a child to death or something. I can't just shut off my emotions like a switch, but I have so much to do & so many people that need me. We have to finish moving out of our old house & have it all cleaned out in a few days. My husband is counting on me. Do you know how many times a day 6 little kids say "mom", "mom", mom"? I have a crap ton of stuff to do everyday just to live & maintain, but I can't stop crying & I can't function. I feel like & zombie. My husband wants me to put everything on hold until our move is over. (including worrying about my son) He is the pack rat, not me. I'm very minimalist. I can't just put my feelings on hold. My son didn't come home last night, I don't know where he is & I haven't talked to him since our argument yesterday afternoon. His last words to me were "shut up mom" followed by " "f*ck you" on a text message. All I did was tell him I'm not allowing smoking, pot or incense in my home. I just wanted him to follow my rules. And I asked him to clean his room. Is it that too hard? Is that too much to ask? Him & my husband are just alike & don't get along. (they step dad & step son.) I hate feeling stuck in the middle.
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Comments

  • sands3sands3
    If it's been 24 hours, you can file a missing persons report. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this stress. I wish I knew how to help
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    I told him to leave though because I was afraid they would get in a fight. I'm not sure if I can because of that. Unless maybe I tell him on the phone to come home. Thanks though @sands3
  • AngelmonkeymelodyAngelmonkeymelody
    If i lived closer i would help you out.. I'm sorry youare going through this with your son.. My brother is the same way and he just won't quite so i told him eather quite or no more contact with me or my kids (me and him were really close) and he never quite and got sent to prison for something not sure what and that was the last straw.. Now that he is out he had only said 3 words to my and that was you were right and that was it.. You can't make son quite he has to want to.. But all you need to worry about is the health and safety of the little ones because pot leads to other things and itcan be scary stuff i know.. What i think you should do is make him stay out of the house for awhile to sore him what he really has and what he is missing out on.. Sorry about this being so long i had to tell you what i had to go through and what i would do.. I really hope he starts to learn from his mistakes.. Good luck..
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @angelmonkeymelody Thank you! That actually helps me feel a lot better.
  • AngelmonkeymelodyAngelmonkeymelody
    Im glad because after i posted it i thought i was sounding mean
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @angelmonkeymelody He really has no idea how easy he has it. His older sister who lives on her own is really mad at him. Although the tough love side of me thinks he needs to get out for a while the softer side of me feels bad for him. The tough side will probably win, but I'm real emotional right now thinking about all we've been through from his birth until now.
  • BigBellyBigBelly
    Take all of his stuff and put it on the front porch. Tell him to come home and when he gets there and sees all his stuff , tell him you've had enough and its time for him to go! He knows he has it easy and that you will most likely cave. He will have to learn the hard way since the easy way has had enough! Let him see what it's happened like out in the real world without mom! I know you won't will do this but it could be worth atry. It might scare him enough to know your done putting up with his bullshit! I was just thinking what my parents would do if i acted that way and they would have probably kicked me out! I am very sorry your having to deal with this!
  • captivatedcaptivated
    I hate to say this, but you're going to have to accept his behavior, continue to enable or cut your son out of your life. Addiction is a nasty thing and unless HE is READY to get clean from his addictions, nothing you can say or do will change a thing. This comes from very recent experience. You've got your children that depend on you. Your son is going to have to crash and burn on his owniin order to wake up. When he does, be there with open arms. Until then, tell him to pack and go. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but may be the best thing you could do.
  • perlyperly
    Im sorry that you feel this way. Like i said yesterday, it must be really exhausting having to run around a teenager that should be responsible for his age.
    I personally don't agree with putting his stuff out and kicking him out. He has an addiction to one drug only. In the street he will find a lot more other drugs, and he will try to get your 16yr old to do them too (who still lives with you). Now another thing, if he starts missing school they will come after you because you are the parent. The only way to get out of that is have the person he is thinking of living with sign as a legal guardian. The streets is not the place for a troubled teen.
    I probably sound like a broken record, and im sorry if i do, but the county HAS TO HAVE a juvenile center. And they have to help you. Its just a matter of contacting the right people. I really wish i could be close to you, so that i can help you get the other house clean, and so you have some support. This is all so unfair, you totally do not deserve this.
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    edited January 2013
    You are all so sweet to want to help me.. :X Thank you! I'm such a home body I don't really have any close friends. I got a lot of the other house done today so that helps. I still have 1 or 2 days worth to do. I'm at the grocery now & am going to try to go home & relax, put the kids to bed early & think things over.
  • MommyLovesSparkleMommyLovesSparkle
    I'm sorry but i have no idea what to do. Anything and everything you do is going to be hard. Whether its going to be kicking him out or putting him in juvi. There's a chance he'll never change, but at least you'll know you did everything you possibly could as a mother. My boyfriend (before i met him) was bad (worst than your son.) When he told me all the things he did i was shocked because he's such a different person now and an amazing, caring, loving soon to and husband and dad. So there IS hope. He changed because he realized that he don't want to end up like his friends in the grave. I'm so happy he did change because we have a beautiful life.
  • LittleFaeLittleFae
    I haven't posted much. I haven't really been around lately, just kind of distant lurking.
    You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you positive and strong energy.

    I do agree with @captivated though. It might be time to kick him out and learn his mistakes on his own the hard way. He is a huge influence on the younger kids and his behavior will trickle down to them. I saw it happen with my own family. My wild sister got away with murder in my house and my younger siblings began to pick up on it and behave the same way. She got away with it, why couldn't they? They saw it as acceptable behavior. She ran away, my parents didn't let her back. She lived on her own for a couple of years. Messed up, and learned her lessons the hard way. But she has come a long way, has improved a lot, and my younger siblings saw what happened to her and don't behave as she did, though a couple of them smoke pot thanks to her. But it could be worse.
    .
    Hugs to you momma stay strong
  • MommyLovesSparkleMommyLovesSparkle
    I just had another thought.. is he maybe in a gang? Look at his clothes.. if he NEVER wears red he's team blue.. if he never wears blue he's team red. Keep an eye out for bandanas or "rags" or "flags" as they call them. They'd be located in his back pockets. Right side back pocket would be team red, left side back pocket is team blue. Only if he dresses thuggish though. If he's more of a rocker type he's definitely not in a gang. Sorry if this is confusing lol but if he would show signs that he's in a gang this could be worst than we all thought.
  • AngelmonkeymelodyAngelmonkeymelody
    Ya i agree with @MommyLovesSparkle my brother will not come to Utah because what we think is he pissed off some gang.. I also agree with @captivated just put his stuff on the porch and tell him you are done dealing with his crap and if he wants to act like he does then be needs to go some were else
  • stellastella
    I don't know about putting his stuff out but agree that maybe you should give him enough rope to hang himself he can't stay there and continue to act the way he is it is gonna trickle down to your little ones. Let him see what it's like to not have everything handed to him.
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    There is a small gang in our old neighborhood, but I don't think it's very big. He has used bandanas in the past but not really in his back pockets..hmmmm. Idk @mommylovessparkle I always hold on to that hope that he will grow up someday. He has always been VERY independent, hyper, outgoing & rebellious & when he was in 8th & 9th grade he totally changed for the better. It was amazing, he was so polite, respectful & helpful. Then he changed for the worse again about 9 months or so ago. His grades plummeted, he started getting in trouble at school, hanging out with the wrong crowd & dressing gangsterish. Oh & listening to hard core rap...he hated rap before that. Thank you for the positive thoughts @littlefae :)
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @stella That's what I'm thinking too.
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    So I've been texting him tonight & he won't reply. It's been over 24 hours. Do you think he's just giving me the silent treatment? I hope he's ok. God I hate this.
  • sands3sands3
    I think if he doesn't reply or come home tomorrow, you need to file a missing persons. He's underageand shouldn't be away for 2 days
  • stellastella
    Thou I think he need to be away agree with sand if you don't hear from him you should file a report.I know that this is hard it is like walking a tite rope
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    He finally texted me back. I asked him if he could stay with his friend a day or two while I figure out what to do. I said I love him but if he won't follow the rules he can't stay here, but I'm not sure what to do yet. He was really surprised & thought I'd be upset he was gone & would be wanting him home. I just said I don't know what to do yet but I can't allow him to do those things at home. I hope that was ok. It wasn't "kicking him out" so to speak, but it was letting him know I'm serious & looking into other options- which I am Monday & Tuesday.
  • captivatedcaptivated
    If he is on drugs, then he will have no choice but to do those things in your home. His body will require it in order to not be sick. He needs to get clean first and to do that...he has to want it. This is only if he is indeed on substances...not weed. :(
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @captivated Yeah I'm not sure yet what he is doing.
  • stellastella
    So proud of you for being strong and not letting him back. >:D< hopefully you'll find a solution over the next couple of day please keep me updated.
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @stella Thank you...it wasn't easy, but my mind was more at rest knowing he was okay rather than not hearing anything. I woke up this morning and he had texted me after I went to sleep and said he had no where to go. I went to his room and there he was asleep!!! Well, I started checking his bag and jacket pockets, etc and he woke up and said what are you doing?! I said I'm searching to make sure you didn't bring anything in the house. I even made him get up so I could search the clothes he was wearing. That was the weirdest thing I've ever done.

    So then I said Jeff (my husband) is going to the other house in a little bit if you want to hitch a ride with him so you can find somewhere to stay for a few days then turned around and walked away. (so he couldn't argue)

    Wow, that was hard! But he got up and left. Not with Jeff, but on his motorcycle! It's like 30 degrees here and he didn't have his helmet! I freaked out a little, but my husband said to try not to worry, that what we're doing is working. Now he's thinking and hopefully I'll get more info in the next few days about what exactly we should do. He did text me though for the helmet and I said Jeff found it at the other house so he's gonna go get it.

    This is so hard to do and I've been crying so much the last 2 days. I swear EVERYTHING I see, do or think of reminds me of him, it's weird! Almost like a divorce. I just hope that this teaches him that he has to follow the rules... because people that don't follow rules in life end up either in prison or dead.

    @captivated I've noticed him and his brother have been not flushing their toilet all the time.... can I test the urine in there for drugs? His younger brother has been caught doing drugs before so I worry about both of them.

    Thank you all for letting me tell my life story on here! Ha ha It really helps me to talk about it and I know I'm pretty long winded, sorry! :)
  • stellastella
    I know it is hard but it is what is best hang in there I'm always here to listen
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    @stella Thank you! :X
  • LaFiiTz89LaFiiTz89
    I don't think you can test because it's diluted with water
  • captivatedcaptivated
    I think you're doing great! If you'd like to PM me for more of my view from his standpoint (I wont post such personal info on here) feel free. I could shed a lot of light into an addicts mind. Even a maybe early one.

    As for the urine, unfortunately not :(
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    I went to the old house today to finish up a little more cleaning & there was freaking white powder residue ALL OVER the floors & counter tops!! (which I had all ready cleaned!)

    All the boxes in my basement were turned over & half of them dumped out! (which I had stacked nice & neat ready to move)

    My 17 year old came in yesterday with 2 of his friends to get some clothes & I think they did it.

    Uugghhhhh! I need a pulling my hair out face! X(
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