Dad/stepdad. I need a couple opinions.
Okay, I've been with my current boyfriend since I was a couple months pregnant with my son. I've known him for years so things fell into place very quickly. He was the one there when my son was born. His whole family took him in literally since day 1, my son had that whole family calling themselves aunties, uncles, cousins, a grandpa and grandma's, you'd never know they weren't even biological. If my bf and I fought he'd tell me he wanted to work things because he didn't want to lose my son. My boy's 'biological' family has never made an effort to see him or even ask about him. I tried and tried to contact them and set things up since he was born and they'd just disappear and 'lose' my number for the 30th time. His dad is an alcoholic loser who lives in another state and is back in prison for all I know and I see absolutely NO future of him or even his family coming around. Now fastforward my son is 18 months and my boyfriend and I have a beautiful 2 month old baby girl.
I previously never referred to my boyfriend as my son's dad because I wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable with that. But I always noticed when he did so on his own. It was much more frequent until our daughter was born so I finally asked him what he wanted. He wants my son to know him as his dad and nothing else. So that's what it's been since. If my son does something like him he tells everyone "that's because he's a (my bfs last name)" If someone asks how many kids he has he always includes my son as his own. An outsider would NEVER know the difference. He doesn't even like discussing things like that around my son because he doesn't want him to catch on that he's not actually his real dad. And I'm okay with that..because I honestly don't want him to know about the no-good people that don't even care how he's doing.. I personally think it's for the best, but I'm basically lying to my baby and I would never want him to feel decieved by me when he's older when it were to surface. I have no idea how to balance the situation and what I'm going to say when he's old enough to fully understand. What do I tell him, what's okay, what's okay not to say, what should really be said? He has my last name, what happens when he asks why his sister has a different one? I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22. As much as I am in love with him I'm still also cautious because I also don't know how to handle it should we ever seperate. I'm just lost.
I previously never referred to my boyfriend as my son's dad because I wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable with that. But I always noticed when he did so on his own. It was much more frequent until our daughter was born so I finally asked him what he wanted. He wants my son to know him as his dad and nothing else. So that's what it's been since. If my son does something like him he tells everyone "that's because he's a (my bfs last name)" If someone asks how many kids he has he always includes my son as his own. An outsider would NEVER know the difference. He doesn't even like discussing things like that around my son because he doesn't want him to catch on that he's not actually his real dad. And I'm okay with that..because I honestly don't want him to know about the no-good people that don't even care how he's doing.. I personally think it's for the best, but I'm basically lying to my baby and I would never want him to feel decieved by me when he's older when it were to surface. I have no idea how to balance the situation and what I'm going to say when he's old enough to fully understand. What do I tell him, what's okay, what's okay not to say, what should really be said? He has my last name, what happens when he asks why his sister has a different one? I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22. As much as I am in love with him I'm still also cautious because I also don't know how to handle it should we ever seperate. I'm just lost.
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My sons dad is pretty bad too, idk if we will last, and his family has nothing to do with my son so i just remember how lucky my son is to have my own family cuz they adore him. If youre comfortable with how things are going, then dont worry so much, things will fall into place. And im pretty sure your son wont feel "deceived" when everyone loves him like he really is a biological family member.
Basically what i mean is that you never know what the future holds. Its better off for you to come clean to him once he's old enough to understand than for you to keep it in and risk the chance of him find out through someone else. Take in mind that if that were to happen, it could potentially destroy the relationship between you and your son. That's a bond that should never be broken.
Just like @wilsomom daughter. They told her the truth and she loved them even more for it. (by the way @wilsomom, everytime you post or comment on something, i am more and more convinced that you are super mom!!).
Its truly and eye opener. It will not only allow him to know "where he came from" but also who loved him and cared for him unconditionally all along! You'll know when the time is right and i trust that you'll do what's right in your heart.
@kitshay You're welcome! I understand all the crazy emotions you're feeling. I've spent many sleepless nights crying & wondering what to do & say too. You have to do what you know is right in your heart for your family. And if you're seriously committed to your bf, you have to consider his feelings too. If you guys were to get married soon you could possibly tell him the name is different because you had him before you got married.
Btw, I don't think our society gives enough credit to dads (and moms) who raise kids who aren't their biological children just as they would their own bio-kids. Its a truly amazing sacrifice and it shows such love and strength of character...there should be a special day (or month!) dedicated to these individuals!!!