Karma or Krazi?!

librababiilibrababii
edited April 2011 in First time moms
am i going crazi or am i just traumatized 4rm my past anxiety issues back in 2009?!

back in 2009 i had a REALLY bad separation which led me 2 become extremely anxious & pretty much scared of everything! i never had anxiety b4 that, never really even knew what it was...i was able 2 get over it with time & hard work...but i still get crazi lil thoughts every now & then...so this is the latest...like ive mentioned in past posts, im 28 with my 1st pregnancy...i never really thought i was gonna have kids...much less with my bd now...he's the best, but we've been thru a lot...mostly my fault...ive never cheated on him, ever...since 2006...but we have broken up a bunch of different times...me being the 1 to break it off every time...my 1st bf was at 17 & was my 1st love...we stayed 2gether 4 a lil more than a yr, but stayed messing around with each other till right b4 i got with my bd...even if i was with somebody or not & same 4 him...the thing is, in that time (between 2001-2005) ive had a few abortions...that i, with all my heart, REGRET! i keep thinking that God is gonna punish me now this time with this pregnancy because of what ive done b4... :( ive been feeling like this 4 a lil while already & its driving me crazi...like if he's not gonna let me live cause of the choices i made & did in the past by not letting HiS lil angles live...i know its super pessimistic 2 think that way, thats why i feel that it might be my anxiety kicking in again since im preggo & my hormones are actin' crazi...i hope he knows that i regret what ive done in the past & he gives me this chance 2 be the BEST mommy i can be with this little one coming... <3

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • librababiilibrababii
    @Mommy_of_two thank you, ma!!!

    @ta2edblondie thank u!!! im 17+1...still havent felt the baby tho :(
  • keylanieqkeylanieq
    God always forgive when you regret for real and change your life. Dont worrie just go to the church and try to talk with him. Cry all you want and be the greatest mother you can. GOD BLESS YOU :">
  • grantsgirl88grantsgirl88
    My mom has always taught me that our god is not a punishing god...you have free will for a reason and everything except blasphemy will be forgiven....just talk to him...he already knows how sorry u are and knows how you feel...I wish you the best of luck :)
  • blissmarie23blissmarie23
    edited April 2011
    I had a son when I was 23 that I gave up for adoption. Mostly because I didn't feel I could support him and partially because I wasn't married (and had no intention of marrying the BD). I knew when I got pregnant on a gut level that it takes at least 2 people to raise a child. I begged God to forgive me and asked Him to lead my life since I had screwed up and I swore that I wouldn't have sex again before I got married. Fast forward about 5 years....my husband and I started a relationship. We have both been raped by different people in our lives and came to our relationship broken sexually. Through some misunderstandings and our own lack of healing in this area we started having sex before we got married. We both felt bad about it but loved each other and felt powrless to stop. We were sure that God was mad at us :( . Now I'm certain He wasn't. We found out we were pregnant and already had plans of getting married date set invitations almost out and we moved the date up. The day of my wedding I was soooooo sick. I had terrible morning sickness and my skin literally looked grey before they put my makeup on :( . We got married :D, went on the honeymoon and suddenly I could eat again. I was about 10 weeks along. At 12 weeks we went for an appt with a midwife. She couldn't find the heartbeat, the next week they couldn't find a heartbeat either so they did an ultrasound. My sons heart had stopped the day of or after my wedding day. :( I was devestated. I thought for sure that God was punishing us and that He made us lose our child. God named him Samuel from the story of Hannah and Samuel because Hannah asked God for a child that she would dedicate to Him. For over a year I though God had punished us. Even after I had my daughter. My family moved to a new city and found a new church. I told several people this story and they all assured me that God hadn't punished us. I told them that's what it feels like and one day I was talking with some women about trust and this came up. I had stopped letting God lead me because of fear. I was really listening to bad voices in my head that weren't from God. He has nothing but love for you. I was still really sad about losing Samuel (and Cameron) and terrified that I would lose my daughter Sophia. So I sat with some women and talked about it. We asked God why Samuel had to die. Because if it wasn't for our punishment there had to be a reason. We heard very simply that Samuel had a heart problem. He wouldn't have made it if I had carried him any longer. It is still sad occasionally but I know now the God wasn't punishing me for things I had done in the past. I am certain He has grace for me and my family. I am certain He has grace for you too. If you are having these fears. I would strongly encourage you to find some safe people to talk to about them maybe even a counselor. I know this is a long story but I hope it helps.
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