I dont know what to do with what I know. (long story) help. UPDATE AT BOTTOM- I kicked him out.

EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
edited June 2011 in Pregnant
To make a long story short- hubby and I were dating in college and were serious. I went home for the summer and he spent that time cheating on me. I came back and he stopped seeing the girl. I found out and eventually fogave him after a year of being broken up. The girl kept trying to get him back. He stayed with me instead. Years later we are engaged and I'm messing with his cell and to my surprise SHE is still in contact with him. SHe had been texting him and emailing him. She continues to tell him to leave me and what a bi**h I am. We had a huge fight and he showed me all the texts and emails in which he hardly responded to her. We almost broke up then. This past Wednesday I logged onto our computer and his emails were open. I looked through and sure enough- the girl is back. This is 9 years of this shit. We have been married 3 years engaged for 4 years. This time he started the emails with a "testing" email sent to her in march. Then she wanted to come visit him this past April. I was 5 months pregnant then. He even responded that the hotel she wanted to stay at is nice and how he might not be able to see her because my parents might be coming to visit. Total bullshit. She was planning on having him say he had to leave town for "work" & stay with her. She loves him and wants him. He is emailing her again. I am so hurt. I don't know what to do. He doesn't know that I read those emails. I'm 7 months with our 1st child. All he knows is that something is wrong. I don't know what to do.
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Comments

  • laura536laura536
    Yuck, that's a tough one. It doesn't sound like he's ever really going to leave her alone though. OR that you can trust him. I'd confront him, but it really sounds like the relationship is over. He shouldn't have reconnected with her after it ended last time. : (
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    That's what I was thinking. Thanks @laura536. This has been eating at me and I somewhat thought it s me being pregnant that I'm thinking the worst. But it really is.
  • Mylittleman2011Mylittleman2011
    What a douche bag!!! You know I would say he is playing you and her. Are you willing to live this way because apparently he will not give either of you up? I am sorry you have to put up with this.... Of all the people in the world u should be able trust your partner. I am so sorry u deserve way better!
  • VictoriaBVictoriaB
    You deserve better. If he's going to keep contacting her, then he doesn't respect you and your feelings enough to be faithful.
  • mandac10mandac10
    I agree with the other ladies. He keeps doing it he's not gonna stop... id hate to say it but id go. Trust is huge n he can't be trusted. It'll end eather way if u can't trust him. Or go write him a letter go stay with someone for a few days n ignore him. Scare him make him think it's over he'll come begging for u and put ur foot down. Have u talked to this girl n explained ur married n pregnant n tell her that's not classy at all?
  • podgemarinepodgemarine
    U need to put ur foot down sweetie. It's either you or that girl, and if he says he wants just u then tell him to cut off contact immediately from her ... And I would suggest a combined email account and combined Facebook if y'all use Facebook . My husband and I combine ours cuz there is no sense in having separated ones while married to be honest .. just an unnecessary temptation!

    U either need to make the ultimatum that u will leave if he continues any contact ... Or learn to deal with it. Those are your options. And u have every right to look through his emails, so don't feel bad for doing it.

    Hope u get it sorted out, good luck hun!
  • mommy2be92mommy2be92
    Did he ever tell you this like him going away for work? If not maybe he finds entertainment in messing with this girls head and to see how physco she is
  • 2girls1boy2girls1boy
    Print the emails and tell him it stops now. It sound like he doesn't want to hurt or confront her...which is fine but its gone way too far. He needs to tell her goodbye and mean it...good luck!
  • Mommyof4girlsMommyof4girls
    edited June 2011
    He chose you! Now he has to stay w that choice. These men get away w stuff to easy and it makes me sick. If he wants to have a family w you then put your foot down. He needs to delete his personal email and open a joint one w you, basically joint everything if he wants things to work. I would print the e-mails out and def show them to him and then Id have him contact her for the last time and tell her she was a mistake from the start and that he never wants to hear from her ever again in his lifetime. Good luck. And give it to him good there is no excuse for his behavior.
  • natashalynnnatashalynn
    9 years isn't a fling, its a serious relationship he's having with her,even if its just an emotional relationship, not physical. Enough is enough. He needs to make a choice, rather than playing with both of your heads!!,
  • natashalynnnatashalynn
    9 years isn't a fling, its a serious relationship he's having with her,even if its just an emotional relationship, not physical. Enough is enough. He needs to make a choice, rather than playing with both of your heads!!
  • MyLittleLoveMyLittleLove
    I agree with @2girls1boy. Print the emails and sit him down before u show him you have proof and ask him to be honest about what is going on between him and this girl. If he lies and/or denies it then present the emails and it'll be clear u mean business.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    I had to get ready for my 3 hr glucose test today so I finally have time to respond. Yeah, on top of it all I missed the 1 hr by 2 points so now I'm back.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    @mylittleman2011 and @VictoriaB I definitely deserve better than this. We have had fights over this chick and it still is going on! The worse thing is that the girl KNOWS that he is married to me and expecting his first child with me. @mandac10 she isn't his facebook friend so he must have told her or one of our mutual friends told her so she knows. She tried to get him before we got married telling him he would end up in misery if he married me. This was from the contact before we were married.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    @podgemarie, @2girls1boy, @k_baBix0 I am thinking of printing those emails now. I looked up all contact with her (from before) and those are all deleted. I was just in shock when I first discovered they were in contact to think of printing them. If he looks in the history of our computer he might see that I looked her up and know that I found out.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    He hasn't had to "leave" for work but I feel like he is trying to see how much this girl is willing to do for him. @mommy2be92 I think u are right. Its his birthday tomorro so I haven't brought any of this up. We are having people over today and last night he didn't speak to me because I have been very quiet and not really talking to him for the past week. He has been asking me repeatedly what's wrong and I just didn't want to cry like a fool in front of him and confront him. I refuse to cry in front of him so I'm waiting to get all my tears out before I do confront him.
  • redhead25redhead25
    I dealt with this crap the first 6 months of my relationship with my bf with his ex. Texting emails chatting ect how much she loved him how I'm a bitch and he needs to leave me ect. I started responding to her emails from him telling her to leave him alone ect. I would forward her emails to whatever guy she was dating at the time and they would break up with her. Confronted him about it. We moved changed phone numbers emails ect. So she started talking to all his friends about us. And she would find a way to contact us asking how our vacation was or Congrats on buying a house I miss u ect. This has gone on for years and the bitch is married now and still does it. Luckily my bf doesn't want anything to do with her. It's tough to get rid of those psycho girls especially if he's egging her on. But what he's doing I consider cheating. Unless he makes some drastic changes like changing numbers emails anything to cut contact with her its not worth keeping him around. It's her or u there's no both..lay it out to him just like that.
  • FateFate
    Men hate ultimatums. Give him one. Print the emails if you can, and print some do-it-yourself divorce papers. Believe it or not, the majority of men do not want a divorce. Statistics show that women are more willing to give up and go through a divorce than men are. I haven't been in this situation. But I did a lot of research on divorce and cheating spouses before I got married. Not that I was thinking our marriage would end badly, but I wanted to know what to expect if divorce did occur. I wish you luck girl. >:D<
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    @Mommyof4girls and @redhead25 I will have him tell her to f*$k off. After 9 freakin years! Still! I can't believe it would go on this long. It is like a relationship @natashalynn if he continues his contact with her. I really didn't think I would have todeal with this. I mean we are having our 1st child in 2 months.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    Thanks @Fate. I might have to do that.
  • ExcitedtobeExcitedtobe
    Make sure to ask him how he would feel if you were emailing some one behind his back. Now so fun looking at it that way I bet
  • lellislellis
    I'm sorry you have to go through this, its apparent he has some feelings for her. Possible he could be bored with you and knows she is probably the most willing person to entertain him or boost his ego but after 9yrs it is much like a relationship...she may be psycho but she isn't following him for no reason, they both have feelings for each other he needs to grow up and make a decision or you make it for him
  • Mommyof4girlsMommyof4girls
    I think a lot of men are like this. They establish stupid meaningless relationships w these easy women to boost their egos. After he gets rid of her, even though he's emotionally done you dirty the best advice I can give is to help his self esteem in a way only you can. By being a supportive wife. My husband and I have decided mutually without actual words, not to have guy friends or girl friends w out mutual consent w each other. We are so in tune w each other because we are all about each other. There's no thought or chance of a stray eye or thought because we even pretend to be bf and gf. He'll text me asking how his gf is and Ill answer him what Im wearing and something he can look forward too later. It takes effort but we try to be everything to each other. I hope my ideas help you once you're back on track. He doesn't sound like a really bad guy just a stupid one who likes his ego stroked. Be the that does it and he'll have no desire to engage in her hoebag antics.
  • TishJ330TishJ330
    You are in a sad situation and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having the printed emails is a great idea. I'd sit him down and flat out tell him he has a choice to make. You deserve a husband who will be faithful, mind, body, and spirit. He owes you the respect due his wife and the mother of his child. Know that we're here for you. Good luck hun.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    @lellis and @Mommyof4girls I do think a part of this is an ego boost for him and a part is that he may still feel for her. I think this threw me more so because he has been very attentive to my needs and stepping up to be a father. He takes care of me and cleans more cooks more. He knows how I feel about her and knows that I always catch him. Yet he still reached out to her first and responded to her.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    Thanks ladies for helping me through this. I can't tell my friends or family because I don't want anyone to know. This humiliates me. I don't know why, but I am embarrassed.
  • LittleFaeLittleFae
    edited June 2011
    I would honestly reconsider this relationship it sounds like he has no respect for you and his mind and thoughts are wandering. Especially if he is the one who made contact this time around.
    When my hubby and I were dating and then engaged a couple of girls he knew flipped out and started flirting with him heavily and telling him to leave me for them. My hubby completely cut them out of his life after sharing what they were doing with me. Even though he didn't have to share they were both telling me he would leave me for them and being so fricken catty.
    He hasn't once tried to make contact with those skanks even though they have tried several times he just finds a way to block them. Because he loves and respects me.
    If you want your relationship to last there needs to be Trust, Respect, Love. and it sounds like there is a lack of Trust and Respect going on. I suggest couples therapy it works for some not all and if not cutting him out of your life because he is toxic and you deserve better.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    I confronted him and printed the emails. I asked him first what was going on and he denied everything. Said he hasn't spoken to her and she is the only one emailing him. I had found more emails and one with her new number. He has been calling her up to 2 weeks ago. She hardly called him- he called her. Not only that, he had put her phone number under another name so I wouldn't find out. When I asked him first, he denied. Then I showed him all the emails and calls. He flipped out and called me crazy and went on and on about how I shouldn't be going through his stuff.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    He said I was being crazy and making a big deal out of just a few calls and emails. They are only friends and he is doing nothing wrong. I went off on him and asked if he remembers that we almost broke up last time over this chick and that if it is fair that a girl he cheated on me with is ok to have as a friend 10 years later who is always telling him to cheat on me again and leave me. I kicked him out of the house and at the end he finally was saying he messed up and made a mistake. I don't have anyone to call or talk to so I'm writing this here. I've cried all afternoon and wondering if I did the right thing.
  • EdubsbabyEdubsbaby
    He said he only did it behind my back because it wasn't "logical" to him why I opposed contact between them both. He even later said he has told her to stop asking him to spend time with her. I pointed out all the calls he made and how HE started the emails. How she emailed him to meet at a hotel here and he didn't tell her off. I'm so hurt from this.
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