I Need Help... (long)
I don't even know where to categorize this... it's gonna be all over the place.
Let's start with.. I am 18 weeks pregnant. I am 21. I live with my boyfriend/fiancee, and have been together the last 2 years and 2 months. I don't live near family. Under typical conditions, I suffer from clinical depression, and have for most of my life. I moved to this area (Washington) in 2009, to go to school. Didn't have enough money for it, so work was what I started. Never had money saved. Was stuck working the same job... for awhile. A couple opportunities came and went for other jobs, but never ended up lasting.
This year, I found a new job. Seemed really great. Offered more money than my other cruddy job, and was really promising in personal growth (something my other job majorly lacked). Finally, a really great opportunity. Was going to finally get out of retail. I was so happy things were looking up. Had an incredible couple of interviews. I finally felt on top of my game.
Got the job. Best news ever. It was for a bank. Finally was able to quit my old job and move on to being happy again. Started in early March. Went through training, which lasted about a month. Got to work with some really cool ladies. Things were going so well.
Just a couple weeks later, became pregnant. A couple weeks after that, found out. Can you say, world turned upside down? Yes. In short, really tough at the beginning, mentally, then folled by some minor complications, like cramping, and passing out, and overall, just feeling awful. My boss hated this. She claimed she was understanding, but... she said everything that was going on was not normal.
Fast forward to early May, I leave. Now, there is a really big gap between then (above) and here. It's for good reason. My boss, in short was harra
Let's start with.. I am 18 weeks pregnant. I am 21. I live with my boyfriend/fiancee, and have been together the last 2 years and 2 months. I don't live near family. Under typical conditions, I suffer from clinical depression, and have for most of my life. I moved to this area (Washington) in 2009, to go to school. Didn't have enough money for it, so work was what I started. Never had money saved. Was stuck working the same job... for awhile. A couple opportunities came and went for other jobs, but never ended up lasting.
This year, I found a new job. Seemed really great. Offered more money than my other cruddy job, and was really promising in personal growth (something my other job majorly lacked). Finally, a really great opportunity. Was going to finally get out of retail. I was so happy things were looking up. Had an incredible couple of interviews. I finally felt on top of my game.
Got the job. Best news ever. It was for a bank. Finally was able to quit my old job and move on to being happy again. Started in early March. Went through training, which lasted about a month. Got to work with some really cool ladies. Things were going so well.
Just a couple weeks later, became pregnant. A couple weeks after that, found out. Can you say, world turned upside down? Yes. In short, really tough at the beginning, mentally, then folled by some minor complications, like cramping, and passing out, and overall, just feeling awful. My boss hated this. She claimed she was understanding, but... she said everything that was going on was not normal.
Fast forward to early May, I leave. Now, there is a really big gap between then (above) and here. It's for good reason. My boss, in short was harra
Comments
Crossing my fingers it doesn't quit as I attempt to finish.
Another side note, I was having quite the panic attack when I wrote that above, and am feeling pretty level headed at the moment, so you might notice a difference in tone.
I was at the point of breaking down on the phone with my mom after my shifts. Eventually, my regular manager also joined in on the ridicule. She hung up on me for calling out. What manager does that? Especially one that I respected and held so highly.
To me, it was the last straw. I went in the next day. Asked for a talk, then we started. I explained how I was feeling. They were saying things weren't the same, and that I was different from the interview. Pregnancy, and my crumbling mental state, changed everything. But they couldn't say that aloud. They could just say, "different" and "changed".
We both agreed it was time for me to go.
(TBC, phone about to die again. Sorry.)
I've been jobless since early May. Literally petrified to work again. Started looking again, mainly for things I can do from home. My fiancee is working 60+ hr weeks and it's still not helping.
With so many things coming down on us, I have been getting really depressed again. I have so many bills backed up, from medical, to a letter I got from them saying they overpaid me by $200 on my last paycheck. I don't even have $200.
Cntd...
Family has been helping out with insurance for doctor's visits. It's been such a blessing. But I can't help but feel like a burden.
Fiancee feels like I don't appreciate all he does. He's always so drained, and I never get to see him much. I've been doing odd jobs with photography. The last shoot, I was gyp'd out of about $80. I'm doing another this month, and I hope that helps, at least a little. I've been trying really hard to help him relax and help him out so it doesn't feel like everything is on him. It's been very difficult.
I've been suggesting finding work out of our area. Out of state. He's been paying my part of the rent + utilities for a long time now, as well as our roommate's (he hasn't had many hours for months now).
Everything seems to be crumbling. Bills piling up, my car is about to die (his was stolen last fall. We couldn't afford to replace it. I was giving him rides for awhile, but now I just have him drive, mainly to save gas money), and it doesn't seem to end. It's really put a dent on our relationship.
Cntd...
(Phone died again and cut out another paragraph, but the one above was auto-saved... yay)
I need help... because I feel like I'm slipping. I feel like things would be easier if I wasn't here, or anywhere. I feel like disappearing. From feeling suicidal, to running away to who knows where, to the thoughts in my head that I had that night I first started this; feeling like I should have the baby for adoption (for the record, we wouldn't do this. We are looking forward to this baby more than I could have ever imagined. I'm beyond excited to find out next week if we're having a girl or boy. Our fingers are crossed that it's a girl, but we're so blessed for either). I was thinking so negatively that night. I was breaking my own heart, and it hurts so much to bring it up again. When I'm that upset, I feel like I'm punishing myself for everything I've caused. Even when I feel more level headed, like now, I still feel sad inside. It never stops. In the last however many days it's been, I've been trying to brush things off. Trying to explain to my boyfriend that it's not that I don't care, it's that it's taking its toll to be so constantly stressed and anxious and depressed.
I tried to tell my story about the experience with that job, because it's been affecting me for so long now. I've had nightmares over it, and I'm constantly playing it over and over again in my mind.
I guess what I'm seeking is support. I feel like I'm lacking it in the biggest way I ever have. I need help to pull out of this, and find the strength to take care of myself, and force change where it's needed most. I know our baby needs me to be strong. It makes me feel so sad that I couldn't have been more happy during this pregnancy. We are crazily anticipating this baby coming into our lives. I want nothing more to show happiness and love when he/she arrives.
I know there are gaps in this story. I haven't spilled everything about my past, or a few other things. This probably didnt get written how I intended it to, but I tried. Feel free to ask questions, I'm more than willing to answer, to fill in on any confusion or just curiosity.
Thanks.
-Tori
P.S. - 19 weeks today. Something to smile about.
Yeah, I actually just finished paying off a $1,200+ medical bill from last year just this last month. I thought it would be done, but then I just got another one from February that had a late notice. I didn't even know I owed money in the first place... bleh.
I've found I've been able to cut some of the bills down. I haven't looked at what bills are coming out of my resent doctors visits...
I'm pretty sure I'm stuck in a contract with verizon. It's up next year, though. Gonna go to a no-contract phone. Depending on where I live by then, I might go back to cricket (soooo cheap). I have a 25% discount on my bill each month, and that's been helping some.
Then there's car insurance... =/ and the however many thousand dollars I owe my boyfriend from rent and utilities for the last year. That's the last priority, as he's not the one who sends it to collections.
Trying to get on wic as well. I think the state lapsed my food services, as I got a letter from them last week saying it would expire (I'm feeling like I have missing mail) and normally I would get more money on my car tomorrow, but I have a feeling I won't get food this month. Already sent in my renewal in early june. I don't think they got it. I've been trying to deal with that too...
I will have to bring up depression in another post to ask other members about meds. My brain has been all over the place and it reflected in this.
Gonna try to get out of the house today. It's been helping a bit over the last weekend. I usually hate leaving the house.
Blahhh tired! Baby's been pushing up on my stomach as it's been growing. *hurl*