Bad relationship with my baby's father already!

fb24vfb24v
edited August 2011 in VENT (keep it peaceful!)
I was just wondering if any single mothers can relate and give me some advice on what I'm going through. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant by a man I'm not with but everytime he comes around, which is rarely about 10 times since I've been pregnant he wants to act like he's in a relationship with me and lies telling me he's not seeing anyone else. But yet he can never make it anything for the baby no doctor's appointments or childbirthing classes and really has not come around much through my entire pregnancy. We argue every day mainly over money because I haven't been able to work since being pregnant it's been a hard pregnancy so far. He pays my rent but never on time always after I get notices on my door from my rental office. He blames that on having two other kids saying he has to take care of them first. Meanwhile me and my baby just get pushed to the side and here I am with 10 weeks left before having my baby and no money to even buy a crib or anything for him. He keeps making excuses why he can't help now and we can't agree on anything he always hangs up the phone on me after he cusses me out. I feel bad because I'm having a baby without a good relationship with his father. I always wanted to be married and stable first. Fyi this wasn't a planned pregnancy the father and I met at a resturant and became club buddies he wasn't the type of guy I would've decided to have children by we've only known eachother for a year. So my point is I'm scared of being a single mom any advice? And how can I make this work with the father for the sake of my son?

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • mrs_shumrs_shu
    What @island_mommy2b says...there are organizations that help provide items needed for baby(crib/clothes/diaper/formula). Usually they're affiliated with some religious group but there's not really a "nation wide" one so you'll have to google and sift thru yellow pages etc.

    You're not going to like hearing this and I'm not saying it as if you're child doesn't need to be provided for but unfortunately financially his other 2 kids do come first. He may be the type of guy who doesn't understand certain things need to be here BEFORE baby arrives. A lot of men know there's a baby inside but its not "real" to them until they're born.
    Maybe ask him if he can help put a crib on layaway?
    At this point I wouldn't waste time stressing over him not coming to appointments and classes, just accept it and focus on ways to provide for the baby once he/she's here.
  • jnc121311jnc121311
    edited August 2011
    I think sometimes you have to suck it up and move forward without the help of a man. If you're waiting around for a night in shining armor, that's fantasy. You will find love after this pregnancy but that shouldn't be the priority. Baby first. Also, you can have a relationship with your baby's father, if you are confident enough to allow this to happen. Look past your own needs and think about what has to be done in the long run. If he is helping with rent, that's a start. He says he has 2 other children he is taking care of. Sounds like a pretty good man to me, even if he hasn't bought you a baby bed. You have time to get that. Maybe if you sit down and really explain to him how important this is, he will go above and beyond to ensure your child has the bed he/she needs. Stop feeling like he's against you because at least he is helping you in some aspect. I know plenty of guys who wouldn't help with your rent or even bother to come see you. I can tell you from talking to my partner, that men do not realize it's real until they are holding an actual child in their arms. I think you should give him the opportunity to step up and if it's after the birth, then so be it. It's so hard to see past our own selfish needs while pregnant because "we" love our child already and can feel life and all the joy that comes along with life happening inside of us. When he sees his child for the first time, he may be different. Men are our opposites. It can actually be a good thing. We are the emotional drivers of the relationship, while they are the logical and rational providers. It's a good thing and can really benefit your relationship in the long run. I know from experience. I am very emotional and my partner understands this but forgets sometimes that I can leave my rational part of my brain on the way side. Just focus on yourself and love your baby and if you do not get what you need, look to local support agencies for a baby bed. The American Red Cross can help. Also, Goodwill Industries helps with beds. I know it would be used but it's something. Good luck...
  • lilpeapod913lilpeapod913
    Very well put! And its so easy for us to forget that they don't feel like fathers to their babies until they are born.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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  • fb24vfb24v
    Thanks for the advice and support. I'm on WIC and I have an EBT card for food but it's not enough for a month's supply of food only about two weeks worth. I often end up buying fast food when my card balance reaches zero because that's all I can afford. My baby's father is really upsetting me again because my rent is still past due for August and it's now August 15th he always tells me he'll have it one week and when the time comes he doesn't have it. I have an eviction notice on my door and he won't let me know what's going on. But he made a mistake and dialed my phone when he was around some girl that called my phone months ago claiming that she was pregnant by him also. He told me the girl was lying and he didn't deal with her anymore but yet he mistakenly left that voicemail on my phone of him talking to this girl about what outfits they were going to wear out I guess he took her shopping or something. And now I think he lives with this girl. But anyway my point is I don't care what he does but I at least expect him to take care of the upcoming expenses for our son. How can he be going out with a girl picking out clothes for her but yet I'm over here almost 32 weeks pregnant with no money getting ready to get evicted. I wish he would'nt lie to me so much we are having a baby so I want him to be honest about what's going on. I just hope I'm able to find a job after I have my son because I can't depend on him.
  • missmommy28missmommy28
    I'm sorry your having a rough time but at the end of the day you have a roof over your head because of him when really its not his responsibility. And if your baby was here and he had another girl pregnant you wouldn't want your sons well being to be pushed aside for the girl who is expecting. Not saying that h shouldn't be helping out with buying the furniture but it can't b expected for him to pay your rent buy everythijg provide for his other kids and pay his own bills.

    And you shoul see him being in his other kids life s a positive indicator that hell be there for your baby as well
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    I don't want to sounds rude but 10 times in 30 weeks you are a single mom. Why can't you work? Go to the des office and get assistance. Rent is not enough. Do you have family you can stay with and just have him give you cash?
  • fb24vfb24v
    @missmommy I don't know for sure if he really takes care of his other kids like he says he does because he's known to lie a lot. I would have to talk to the kids mother about that. He has told me that the mother of his kids didn't send them to daycare for two weeks because he didn't pay for it in time. He has no concept of paying bills on time because he gets everything in other people's name meaning he has bad credit. So I'm just trying to figure out how to make it through these next few months until I find a job. @ll10 I know I'm going to be a single mom that's why I'm asking for advice on that. As of right now I'm getting ready to get evicted he has not let me know when he plans on paying it and on top of that I have to move out my place August 31st because my lease is up and I planned on moving to a bigger place I have no space for my baby here. I was able to get approved for another place but with no money I don't know how I'm going to make it these next few months since it seem like the dad is trying to duck and run now that I'm getting close to delivering. I never said I won't work I plan on working but being 32 weeks pregnant right now I can't get a job 8 weeks from my due date I'm having a hard time just getting around now. The main problem that I'm having now is how will I be able to come up with my rent for august that's past due plus the money I need to move in my new place by sept. 1st and money to buy just the little things I need for my son all in less than 8 weeks? This is stressing me out so bad I can't sleep. I thought he would at least help out until the end of my pregnancy so I had time to recover from giving birth and get to work. Section 8 housing is off limits here in southern cali the waiting list for almost every city around here is 5 years or more. Housing is the biggest expense in LA my rent is like a payment on a house. I would need to make at least $3800 a month to pay my rent and take care of my son's expenses. I'm praying that I land a job shortly after I have my son. I don't really have any friends or family I can live with in Cali so I'm on my own. I'm lucky that my mom and her husband who live on the east coast plan on moving to la just to take care of him while I work. They will be moving in a 55 and over building so I have to live in my own place no babies allowed where they are moving my mom will have to come to my place to watch my son for me. I know once I get a job I 'll be fine but it's just figuring out what to do until then that's driving me crazy. Btw my mom and her husband don't have a lot of money to help they are retired and money is tight for them. Any suggestions? I was thinking about take out a personal loan or something I already have a credit card but I need cash for rent they don't take cards plus I don't want to put the baby's stuff on my credit card unless I knew I had steady money coming in to pay it off.
  • serenitysmommyserenitysmommy
    Ugh I feel like your goin through the same crap that I'm goin im through... I lost my job in june and I'm 32 weeks I was with my bd (we have a daughter together) but he all of a sudden decides that he wants to leave me here in this apt with no job band move to his moms which was fine cause we couldn't get along... Ok so I'm thinkin he'll get over it and move back nope! His stupid mom convinces him to get an apt in her complex because his brother is back from cali and she doesn't want allof them staying with her. So he pays rent for july but now were ass out for Aug because he's paying his own rent now. I was already on wic, so I applied for foodstamps just so I can get this program to pay my rent... I've faxed all this crap over and I don't know if my rent is gona get paid. On top of all that the ass said if I get evicted I can't stay wth him so I may be on the streets. Sucks! He gives me money but I know exactly how you feel... You need you damn rent paid ugh! I hate men right now. Sorry so long! Hope it gets better for you and consider yourself blessed because you could have a 17month old that you have to take care of while goin through all of this.
  • missmommy28missmommy28
    Can you file for unemployment. Just make sure as soon as you have baby to immedately file for child support.
  • mgrosemgrose
    Wow he pays your rent?!?!?!
  • mrs_shumrs_shu
    Fast food is expensive. Even if you get dollar menu stuff. Check out your local dollar store many sell food (frozen and non) for 5 bucks you can get 2 bags of pasta,2 jars of sauce and a big bottle of juice/ice tea.
  • fb24vfb24v
    Thanks ladies for all your support. I'm hanging in here and the father ended up not helping me so I did get evicted from my old apartment but thank god I was able to get approved along with using my mom as a co signer for another apartment. The rent is high $1,765 a month so my mom is going to stay with me for a while when she moves here to help with the rent. The father ignored me for two months and one day a girl answered his phone saying she was in Las Vegas with him having a good time shopping and going to the casino. She then told me that my baby isn't his, another example of a stupid chick supporting a man that is not taking care of his child. So I had to finish buying everything for the baby on my own. As of today he hasn't bought anything for his son and I could have my baby any day now. Last week he started calling me again and saying he's so sorry and that he'll make it up to me. But I'm so done with his games. I realize I can't depend on him so I'm praying that I'm able to find a decent paying job in LA. He's been begging me to come by my house and give me some money. But I'm still very upset with him for leaving me in my old apartment pregnant with no way to pack all my stuff and beinv unable to move boxes. I was lucky that my mom was able to fly to LA from the east coast and help me move. I'm not sure if I should give him another chance to step up. It just upsets me that he was in Vegas spending money when I was getting evicted. @serenitysmommy I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with that. I hope everything works out for you.
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