My brother came out. I feel like a hypocrite
I am a very open minded person, my motto is live and let live. I am catholic but I have never judged others based on my beliefs, I just cant do that. I thought I had it all figured out, who I am, what I stand for and just like that its gone when my 15 year old brother told me he is gay. I laughed and said "yeah, Ok!" and "ok yeah sure" for like half and hour. I knew it was real when he began to cry. I was completely shocked! All I could say was are you sure? (yes)are you sure? (yes) have you liked any girls ever? (No) What about the girls you "liked"? (I just said it so mom would stop asking if I liked anyone) have you liked guys? (my entire life). I swear, for the first time in my life i was lost for words. MY BROTHER??? really?????? All I could do was to think about what he was saying and that he was young, that he didn't have to make up his mind now. To which he said, its not really something you make up your mind about. I also told him I loved him and I didn't care as long as he is happy. My parents came home that night and I was with him when he told them and I have never felt like such a hypocrite and cant shake the feeling. My dad YELLED a lot and told him that he would be called every name in the book (he said every single one) and then told him gay people are the most unhappy people on earth. That he would never be accepted by society, that he would die alone, that he would shame our family that it was not NORMAL. Basically, GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE. My dad went as far as comparing it to a disease and said they would try to help him but he couldn't get better if he didn't want help. All I could do was sit there and cry. I cried because what they were saying to my poor brother and I cried because I knew they were heartbroken. That is why I couldn't bring myself to do what I wanted to do which was tell them to SHUT UP!!!! THAT THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO SAY THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS. I should have stood up for him, I should have said and done so many things. I am the first to call any one out on things, but I couldn't do it this time. The look and my mom and dads face broke my heart. It still does. I need advice ladies, I am out of my depth here. my parents took him to a psychologist today and he told my brother that his sexuality is still developing and that he needs to go out and live life. My mom and dad spoke to me and told me that I need to help them get him "over" this. I told them that I understand them helping him try to understand what he feels but that If time goes by and he says he is gay then I support him 100 percent. How do I make my parents understand that what he feels is not "wrong" or a "disease" or "dirty". I have never been so lost. I wish I knew how to handle this, I would hate for my brother to grow up and resent me because he turned to me and I didn't know how to help him. I know better! so why am I not practicing what I preach!
Comments
You might not like what I have to say, but here it goes.
You HAVE to support your brother. He is in such a vulnerable position, he must be feeling so alone. You need to show him true UNCONDITIONAL love, and support both in private, with your family, and in public. He needs someone, plain and simple. I have lots of gay friends, a girl came out to me in 7th grade, she was bullied so bad, she almost killed herself. She told me years later, that the only reason she didn't, is because in grade 7 we learned dance in gym, had more girls than guys, and no girl would dance with her. I asked her to be my dancing partner. I honestly didn't even remember it until she told me.
You truly can make a difference here. I know its hard to stand up against people, especially your parents. Maybe find a LGBT support group for him. But you can really help your brother out.
I hope you find the strength to do so, I'll keep you both in my prayers.
I think that deep down I knew that thier reaction came from a good place, and as a parent myself, judging them is even harder now because of it. I have tried my best to let him know im here for him. I just wish I could do more about my parents attitude.
@natashalynn
I told my mom just now that she needs to stop making him feel guilty because there is a whole lot of "why are you doing this to us" talk. I told her she is going to ruin any relationship they might have in the future. I am thinking about going to a support group with him but even then i know my parents would say I am pushing him to be gay. I have tons of gay friends too but its never the same when its your family. Thats why I was so shocked at how I handled things because if it had been anyone else I would have said live your life and be happy. So why cant i say that to my parents.
@BlessedTXMom
I hope they do come around because my mom and dad are just beyond heart broken. In our country (we are from mexico) men are treated very harshly for being gay. I Know my dad is terrified of Jerry (my brother) being treated like that. Like i said I know it comes from a good place but I need them to stop scaring him because they are going to mess him up. I cant imagine what its doing to his self esteem and it kills me.
As I was reading your story, I saw the ”shame” your father was going through and the ridicule he foresees to come. He fails to see your brothers feelings and will be blinded by his beliefs. Your brother is in for a serious battle. He's accustomed to our societal ways and felt he could open up to your parents -- his mistake. Although, I think he knew to some degree since he rallied you for your support.
Growing up in the same type of household you come from, give your dad time. Hispanic parents are very nurturing once they know what they are facing. In the meantime, I do think you should seek a local LGBT resource for your brother. He may find the resources needed to educate your parents as well as the support he most certainly looking for.
Don't beat yourself up. We are raised NOT to disrespect our parents regardless of our opinions. You would not have won this battle even if you opened your mouth. Continue to show support to your brother, I'm sure he knows you meant well and knew it was best to keep your mouth shut at the time.
Good luck!
Thats all I want, for my brother to be happy. Religion is playing a big part in my parents reaction and I dont know how to tell them that I dont agree without them throwing holy water on me lol. My parents are young 40 and 43 but when it comes to this, they are old school.
@Mijita
your post really helped me thank you