1st child's father *not preggo related*
Hi ladies, I know there are lots of us who come from very diverse relationships and families so I am hoping someone who has some experience in this area can help me but I will accept any input. Just a preface, I am in the process of contacting the court but its only Monday so no answers so far.
So here is my issue, my sons father and I haven't been together for most of my sons life. I have tried really hard for hard to be supportive and nurturing of the relationship that my son and my ex share. My son is five and has been diagnosed as high functioning autistic and has an above average IQ. Recently, i believe due to this pregnancy, my son has become extremely clingy and over protective of me. His father works in construction and his job often takes him out of state for up to three months at a time. most people who are understand autism know that routine is essential, needless to say his fathers job adds chaos to my sons routine. his dad just returned from a three week trip to nevada and my son was excited to see him, he took him on a wednesday afternoon and that evening they called and asked if my son could spend the night (which is not a part of out custody agreement) i could tell my Xandy was having a good time so i let him stay and asked that he be home before 12 the next day. when my son came home i could tell he was tired so i let him nap (something he never asks for), when my husband came home i told him something didnt feel right with my sons behavior and we sat him down when he woke up and asked him if he was upset about something... Xandy said he didnt want to go to his dads house anymore because his dad left early in the morning, before the sun came up, and left him alone, in the dark, in their room with the door closed until the rest of the house woke up, several hours later, and he was scared (he is irrationally afraid of the dark). i called his dad that night to talk to him about what our son said, his response was, "he knew what the consequences were, and he wanted to stay!"
Needless to say, when friday came around our son wanted to stay home (against his dads visitation schedule), so i told him to meet me at Xandys karate class saturday morning and he could talk to him and see if he would change his mind (he ususally does). the next morning came around and before Xan was even awake he said, "i want to come home with you after my class, mommy." so i text his dad and said, "he is really upset about staying and im just letting you know he may not want to go with you today."
Well, I take my son to his class (without my husband because my ex demanded that i go alone since he is paying for the class) and as i pull up there are two cop cars!! so one of the cops pulls me aside and asks me why i called and i had to explain that i had no idea what was going on, so he asks the other cop who is talking to my ex what is going on, and my ex says that i am keeping my son from staying at his house and its his weekend... so i tell the cop to talk to my son alone and ask him who he wanted to go home with and why he is afraid of his dad, so he does and my son explains everything to him, so the cop tells me and my ex that either we come to an agreement before he leaves or they take my son and we have to fight to get him back!! so i tell him, if he wants to go with his dad i will allow him of course, but if not i would hope that his dad would respect Xans decision and not fight him on it. the cops left and his dad gave up eventually and the baby came home with me.
now my question is, there is already a custody order in effect and it states that i retain sole legal and physical custody of my son and his dad is allowed visitation every other weekend and at least once a week. this is what he and i agreed on in mediation and has worked for more than a year, however, now that my son is voicing his opinion on where he wants to be, does he have any say in how often he sees his dad? i hate to see him so upset over the idea of staying with his dad and have tried to convince him that it will be ok, sometimes it works but most times he refuses and his dad blames me. i have never done anything to keep him from his dad and always include his father and his family in birthdays and holidays but i worry that my ex will become bitter and attempt to fight me for more time or custody.
any advice is greatly appreciated and im really sorry this is so long, but i need as much mommy advice as i can get.
thank!!
So here is my issue, my sons father and I haven't been together for most of my sons life. I have tried really hard for hard to be supportive and nurturing of the relationship that my son and my ex share. My son is five and has been diagnosed as high functioning autistic and has an above average IQ. Recently, i believe due to this pregnancy, my son has become extremely clingy and over protective of me. His father works in construction and his job often takes him out of state for up to three months at a time. most people who are understand autism know that routine is essential, needless to say his fathers job adds chaos to my sons routine. his dad just returned from a three week trip to nevada and my son was excited to see him, he took him on a wednesday afternoon and that evening they called and asked if my son could spend the night (which is not a part of out custody agreement) i could tell my Xandy was having a good time so i let him stay and asked that he be home before 12 the next day. when my son came home i could tell he was tired so i let him nap (something he never asks for), when my husband came home i told him something didnt feel right with my sons behavior and we sat him down when he woke up and asked him if he was upset about something... Xandy said he didnt want to go to his dads house anymore because his dad left early in the morning, before the sun came up, and left him alone, in the dark, in their room with the door closed until the rest of the house woke up, several hours later, and he was scared (he is irrationally afraid of the dark). i called his dad that night to talk to him about what our son said, his response was, "he knew what the consequences were, and he wanted to stay!"
Needless to say, when friday came around our son wanted to stay home (against his dads visitation schedule), so i told him to meet me at Xandys karate class saturday morning and he could talk to him and see if he would change his mind (he ususally does). the next morning came around and before Xan was even awake he said, "i want to come home with you after my class, mommy." so i text his dad and said, "he is really upset about staying and im just letting you know he may not want to go with you today."
Well, I take my son to his class (without my husband because my ex demanded that i go alone since he is paying for the class) and as i pull up there are two cop cars!! so one of the cops pulls me aside and asks me why i called and i had to explain that i had no idea what was going on, so he asks the other cop who is talking to my ex what is going on, and my ex says that i am keeping my son from staying at his house and its his weekend... so i tell the cop to talk to my son alone and ask him who he wanted to go home with and why he is afraid of his dad, so he does and my son explains everything to him, so the cop tells me and my ex that either we come to an agreement before he leaves or they take my son and we have to fight to get him back!! so i tell him, if he wants to go with his dad i will allow him of course, but if not i would hope that his dad would respect Xans decision and not fight him on it. the cops left and his dad gave up eventually and the baby came home with me.
now my question is, there is already a custody order in effect and it states that i retain sole legal and physical custody of my son and his dad is allowed visitation every other weekend and at least once a week. this is what he and i agreed on in mediation and has worked for more than a year, however, now that my son is voicing his opinion on where he wants to be, does he have any say in how often he sees his dad? i hate to see him so upset over the idea of staying with his dad and have tried to convince him that it will be ok, sometimes it works but most times he refuses and his dad blames me. i have never done anything to keep him from his dad and always include his father and his family in birthdays and holidays but i worry that my ex will become bitter and attempt to fight me for more time or custody.
any advice is greatly appreciated and im really sorry this is so long, but i need as much mommy advice as i can get.
thank!!
Comments
@karla_with_a_k Xandy is 5.
@Karla_with_a_K would his denial of the autistic diagnosis and refusal to parent Xandy as an autistic child be considered in proving he is unfit? and i wish his dad had the same understanding as your BD. i think for him it is a jealousy issue (like not wanting hubby at our sons class) and a pride issue (our son favors his step father because they share similar interests).
i feel so backed into a corner, i only want whats best for my son.
@mandac10 thanks for the advice. I was hoping someone would say something along those lines. I tried to limit the exposure my son has to this kind of drama but his dad us making it hard.
@everyone thanks for all the advice and input!!
I do have full legal and physical custody of our son, (he signed him over to me two years ago) does that mean I have final say?
@expectingbabynumber3 I've been calling the court several times a day and just today spoke to mediation again. I'm going to try and get a separate interview from my ex so I can take my son to talk to the mediator.
He makes me so mad because he likes to start drama anytime my son mentions things he has done with my hubby or when my son talks talks about his new baby sister, who he is thrilled about.
My mums ex took her to court for access to my 5 year old autistic brother and 11 year old sister the courts would take my sisters thoughts into consideration who had wrote a letter saying she wanted him to take anger management before seeing our brother alone, also he never treated him has an autistic child and never had a clue about it my mum didn't when brother who's now 18 got diagnosed so researched and also asked for help so they sent her on a few courses autism awareness and parenting courses, so she asked if he could go on them well he refused to do anger management and also the parenting courses in autism so the judge refused him access but he still has to pay child support
@mrs_shu Xan has a therapist and even he is concerned with how my ex parents so I'm sure he would be willing to write a letter on my sons behalf. Thank you for the idea.
@samiUK thank you for sharing your moms experience. Hopefully I can find a judge like she got because I too have asked that he take parenting classes or attend autism seminars and he refuses. Id love for that stipulation to be amended into our custody agreement.