resources for anyone who has overcome/is overcoming an abusive childhood (physical or emotional)

Juneduebug

i thought i would post some links on childhood abuse and personality disorders, since most of the time these two are inseperable. as someone who is actively working to negate the years of physical and emotional abuse, and as a soon-to-be new mother, at this time in my life it feels very pertinent to go back over what i suffered through, try to understand it, and make sure i do not cycle the abusive behaviors onto my child in any way. i understand if your situation does not fit neatly into any of the disorder categories, but i feel that even so reading about the effects of certain specific behaviors will still be helpful. keep in mind that although i have gone NC with my mom (no contact), many people do not and find ways to draw healthy boundaries with their living PD parent. (i attempted to do so for a long time, to no avail, so i finally made a choice-one i do not regret.) also, i am sorry if this offends anyone on here, but please do not judge me or chastise me if you have not walked a mile in my shoes. if you are truly offended and feel that you should try to change my mind about my decisions, please just message me and ask why i would do so and i will clarify some things for you.

hopefully these resources can help some people, or at least make them feel validated and not alone in what they went through.

http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html
http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm
http://www.ascasupport.org/resources.php
http://counsellingresource.com/ask-the-psychologist/2008/05/14/denying-abuse-ever-took-place/
http://www.ehow.com/how_2131876_abusive-parent-after-child-abuse.html
http://www.suite101.com/content/ways-to-cope-with-past-child-abuse-a45885

Juneduebug

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[Deleted User]

thanks so much.
i was abused by my step mother from age 3 until 12, she broke my left leg twice by twisting it, gave me multiple scars on my face and starved and beat me everyday of my childhood. when i turned 13 i moved with my mother. And just this month i found out my father raped me when i was a toddler, i couldn't remember until i started having dreams and confronted my mother about it. i hope all of this will make me a better mother. these links are helpful, being the fact i have never seen a counselor

Juneduebug

@mommyforever (((hugs))) you are very welcome. I finally got into therapy last year, but as my mother was the one who abused me I feel more comfortable with a male counselor. I am very sorry you had to go through all of that, and I wish you well in your recovery

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User]

i think i would be more comfortable with a male counselor also, although my dad did that to me…im not fazed by it? its weird but i have no emotion about it.

Juneduebug

@mommyforever You seem very well adjusted, considering. I avoided therapy for a long time, I now realize it was due to experiences where counselors, etc... didn't believe me and thought I was making things up. My psychologist(who I chose because psychologists can't prescribe medications) is very supportive and has never doubted me.

Juneduebug

@KerrideeRN of course

one5one

I'm bumping this to the top. Its very helpful!

Juneduebug

@one5one thank you!

one5one

You're welcome. More womem & even men need to overcome that this happened to them!! & there are places to help.

Juneduebug

@one5one and people with similar experiences, knowing that has helped me SO much. forums for the abused are full of stories like mine, some better, some worse. but the commonality is that everyone there is aware and trying to get better, it is very reassuring to know that!

one5one

Awareness is what's needed!! People shouldn't feel ashamed this happened to then or to get help. I've dealt with some in my lifetime as well. Not as bad as most but nonetheless. Great sites to hand out. Hopefully someone can get help & closure with this!

myowndisaster23

Thank you.. I shared with my husband who suffered years and years of different types of abuse at the hands of both parents.

LilOneOnTheWay

@juneduebug thank you so much for posting these helpful URLs. Like you, once I decided to start my family, I felt it important to go over the abuse that occurred in my life (particularly the emotional and mental abuse inflicted on me by my mother).

I sought out a therapist to help me with my issues as I want to be a good parent and not repeat the mistakes my mom made. My decision to address this painful area in my life only proved to be right when I miscarried in December (my pregnancy was going fine until my mom came to visit my in California from the Midwest and I get so stressed.... you get the point).

Through therapy, I learned my mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that can wreak havoc on a daughter's life. It has been painful to come to terms with and now that I am pregnant again, I have made the conscious choice to limit contact with my mom.

My question to you is - how are you dealing with your abuse? Do you speak with the people who caused you suffering? I think as survivors, we have to support one another and offer care because we don't get it from our parents.

Juneduebug

@myowndisaster of course

Juneduebug

@LilOneOnTheWay ((hugs)) and i am sorry to hear about your loss, low contact is a very good decision and i am proud of you for that. to answer your questions, i am in therapy with a psychologist, after many years of self-therapy. i read forums and have made a conscious decision not to cycle the abusive behaviors onto others. and no, i have NO contact with my mother. my father did not know how to handle the situation effectively, but did his best to protect me without leaving, and i have forgiven him and we have a good relationship now. i tried to draw boundaries instead of going NC with my mother, but she walked all over them, and me. she would show up at my house and bang on my door while i was sleeping if i didnt answer the phone. she would call my work, and come to my work, if she couldnt get ahold of me, which almost got me fired. her emotional and psychological abuse of me never ceased, or lessened. i finally decided to cut off all communication with her to save myself. some people do not understand, and judge me harshly. some people think i am "making things up", which is the most hurtful of all after years of authority figures i was reaching out to saying the same thing. but i have decided that i do not care what those people think- they are in denial that a mother could ever hurt her own child like that. statistics say otherwise, but western culture has "love and honor your mother' deeply ingrained in it, so hence there is cognitive dissonance, and dissociation. it is not my job to fix her, or take her endless abuse. i have to take care of myself first, and anyone who tries to hurt me cannot be a part of my life.

Juneduebug

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Juneduebug

Bump

LilOneOnTheWay

@juneduebug I think you are so courageous to honor yourself enough to cut contact with your mother. Unfortunately, it has to happen in some cases in order for the child to be safe and protected and I am getting to that point myself.

If you don't mind my asking, what sort of personality disorder does your mom have? How did you implement NC? I know you said she violated your boundaries, in some darn awful ways, and I am sure that gave you all the more reason to go NC.

I hear you regarding other people's views on the mother-child relationship. Some people live by "honor your mother" regardless of abuse or they think we're just dramatic. They have no idea how much suffering we have to go through and how hard it is for us to even reach out for help.

For me, being pregnant again (18 weeks now, phew) has been such a blessing and joy and yet I'm plagued by sadness when people ask "are you coming home for a baby shower?" or "are your parents super excited?". It hurts because events that should be special aren't and I've had to say that I'm not having a baby shower at all - and in some cases - explain that my family never offered nor do I want to be near them while pregnant (for fear of stress).

Also, do you have siblings? How are they with your parents? Mine are still living under my mom's web of manipulation and control.

Juneduebug

@LilOneOnTheWay. Thank you ((hugs)) My mom will never see a therapist, and I know from dragging her to one AA meeting that it wouldn't do any good if she did, her denial is too strong. By proxy, my psychologist has diagnised her with Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders and said recently that she may also have Histrionic personality disorder. I went NC after she blatantly broke one opf her own rules that she had drilled into my head my entire life: you don't betray family, and you don't turn them into the authorities(convenient for her, since she broke a lot of laws). After my sister had triplets, my mom threatened to call CSD because they were being "neglected" (ha!) I knew from being present during their entire stay in the NICU that that was a complete lie. So I called her and gave her an ultimatum: call it off, or I would never see her or speak to her again. She refused. So I told her off, screamed at her, and from that day forward have not answered her calls or communications. Honestly tho, I was just waiting for the right excuse to do it and that seemed too opportune to pass up. My sister also has BPD but is aware and working on it, which is half the battle. She is still "enmeshed" but I have hope for her, she is at least drawing boundaries and enforcing them so that is good. I just try to be a good example to her, and give her the same resources so she can educate herself.

LilOneOnTheWay

@Juneduebug holy man! Are we talking about the same woman? Yes, my mom would NEVER go to therapy because *she is perfect and everyone else is to blame*. So, my therapist like yours diagnosed by proxy and said she definitely has the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

As soon as I heard that, I started reading everything I could and my jaw dropped at how the character traits all resembled my mother and then I had this "Ah Ha" moment where I realized - it's really not me, it's her. Since then, I've been hoping for the perfect time or situation to cut contact. It may just come down to me doing it because any communication with her makes me feel guilty, depressed, and so sad.

I totally understand where you are coming from and everything you have said. My heart goes out to you and I feel you are so brave to protect yourself and your family - good for you!

vette_devil

Thank you again for these wonderful links... it is such a breath of fresh air to hear that you're not the only one going through this. I went no-contact with my mom in December of this last year, and 2 of my 4 siblings are as well. Like I said on the other discussion, she is a lifelong hoarder & menatl abuser, and has caused 2 of my sisters to get divorced (sadly the two that still talk to her). Just this past month, my mom decided to throw the other sister that has NC with her under the bus because she (very stupidly) still had her name on the lease of the last place my mom lived & trashed, and told the landlord "If you sue me, you will get nothing. If you sue my daughter (who is a paramedic & has done well for herself & has been married for less than 2 years) you will get a lot of money... this is where she works, what she makes, and how much $ she has in savings that I know of..."
Needless to say, the landlord is doing just that & that was the final straw for my sister. I feel so bad for her because it could easily have been me or any of my other siblings in her situation.

vette_devil

*bump!

Juneduebug

i love you guys. thanks! ((hugs)) i am feeling very tired today, sorry i havent given good responses. but i am reading your comments and i do care.

vette_devil

You're a doll... no worries! I think we all understand being tired right now, lol! You showed how much you care just by reaching out & posting this discussion. I hope you get some much needed rest! Btw... when are you due?

Juneduebug

@vette_devil June 28th thanks lady! i have been focusing on my childhood issues the past couple days, so this forum has sadlt taken a backseat, plus i am really tired. thank you for understanding!

vette_devil

@Juneduebug ...I get you there; I am actually in the same boat; my first daughter's 3rd birthday was May 21st & I just got two packages in the mail for her from my mom, one of which had MY maiden name as HER last name... so weird. No letter, nothing. She also called very late on my daughters birthday & bawled "Happy Birthday" into my voicemail... it's just like her to do that. She pretends she cares, but refuses to get help for her problems & knows that I will not let her back in our lives until she does so.
Your website came at the perfect time to keep me sane when I was having a weak moment & nearly called her back. Thank you

Aydonsmommy

I was actually about to make a post on this same topic. I was mentally and physically abused by my father who is an alcoholic. (And sadly it hasn't completely stopped even now that I am grown and married.) However, he hasn't hit me since I informed him that I was pregnant. As someone else posted I also have issues with him calling non stop all day every day, and if I quit answering he will drive (2 hours) to my house to find out y Im not answering. Saddly, he can be a very loving man but very horrible at the same time and I always fall for his I'm sorry crying act. My husband has made it very clear that he would like me to go NC as well but I just can't seem to do it. But I have started having panic attacks at the thought of him being near or alone with my son. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for a gel who just can't seem to say No to her dad.

Juneduebug

@adensmommy0803 My words of wisdom to you: read the sites I posted, most likely he also has a personality disorder along with alcoholism, like my mother. And think about your future...what if he hit your children? What if he verbally abused them? What if they saw him do either of these things to you and thought it was acceptable, normal behavior? No one can make your decision for you, but if I were in your shoes I would go no contact asap and call the police if he ever tries to hurt/stalk you again. But I am not you, and I will not judge you whatever you choose. Know that you do not deserve, or have to put up with, abuse of any kind from anyone, no matter how kind they can be when they are not abusing you.

mommyto1soontob2

I could write a book to explain my life and how I got borderline personality disorder, I was beaten daily n emotionally put down to the point I still am not good enough n try to please people even though what I do is just used to their advantage I guess. Everyone I know even family n so called friends put me down and treat me badly, I'm always pointed out what's bad or wrong about me. No matter what I do I'm pooped on and heartbroken.