Tough decision.. Plz help!

janmommy

Im 22 n nine wks prego with my first child, and its my bfs 4th. We been together for a yr n 7 months now and are in love. I wasnt tryin to get prego but he really wanted me to have his baby n he finally got his wish. I was upset and cried the whole day after finding out i was prego because i had plans to finish school first then marrying b4 havin kids, but he was excited. Neither one of us r financially stable, i have a pt job and he dont have one at all! He's on child support for his other three and his 2 baby momma's hate me and him n they dont kno im prego yet >:p.. I thought about abortion but im so against it and couldnt do it so of course im keepn my first unborn blessing and now im super excited :X The thing is... my parents want me to marry him but dont really kno him, but r against having kids out of wed lock but they feel that would b the right thing to do and i feel the same. But its just too many negatives.. 1. He has three kids ages 3,3 & 2.. 2. He dont have a job and not finacially stable but he has a place for us to live.. 3. Its going to b CRAZY drama with his other baby mommas "They like to fight and buss car windows".. 4. I dont think he's ready for marriage evn tho he say he is 5. I honestly kno i can/deserve a better man.. But at the same time i always said the man i have a child with i will marry. What do u ladies think? What would u do?

Rissalee7

Marrying because pregnant is the worse thing to do my parents did it and only lasted a year were together 4 years prior and now hate each others guts

[Deleted User]

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caroline8_p

Consider adoption?

starrxoxo9

Don't get married just because you're prego. If anything, try and figure out why his baby mamas are just baby mamas, why it didn't work and why they hate him so much. Follow your gut instinct. If you think you deserve someone better you probably do or you wouldn't feel that way.

lilbabythree

Well I doesn't sound like ur ready to be married either. it sounds like ur clinging to that bc ur prengnant. If ur parent believe that u shouldn't have kids out of wed lock then I'm sure they believe in no sex before marriage to ensure that belife of no kids out of wedlock. That is somewhthing that it doesn't sound like u or ur bd believe. sound like u want to get married because ur prego which then u need to look at why u wantto get married. Also might want to be stable before u add more to ur plate. U have a lot ging on right now. If he has no job now that means he is not paying child support. How is he going to support the child ur having? Plus what kind of relationship does he have that his bms care enough about u to hate u? U have a lot to think about u. So take the time before u jump into a marriage that has a big chance of ending in divorce and getting what u deserve which sounds like u know u deserve. Be happy not obligated.

roseisamommynow

This is how I felt in the beginning, except that he already proposed before I was pregnant. When we found I felt like he would feel like he was trapped (even though he says he doesn't), bt to be honest I felt trapped. He is the love of my life. Bt I felt to young to be married. He is the best for me bt was way to early and to much fr me to take in. And u kno u deserve better. So I say try to work it out between u to cuz u owe it to ur child to try to give her a family. Bt u DO NOT NEED TO GET MARRIED. GL hun

janmommy

Thx ladies, u all made a lot of good points but to try and answer all of u... He had a job last yr so he's getting unemployment until he finds another job and thats how he's paying child support. His baby mommas hate hime because he left them without reason. He has left me before for two months prior to when i got pregnant. He says he couldnt leave me alone and says im different from the other girls which am because they are youngef, immature, GHETTO, and had nothing goin for themselves besides drama and havin kids. He was the best thing that happened to them and im the best thing that happened to him. They hate me because they tried to get me to break up with him time after time but i wasnt fallin for the lies and the he say she say and we stayed together. And they also hate him because he put me before his kids, like when they want to drop his kids off its always on their time when they want him to see them and we have plans. Now one of his bm is a dead beat mom. She leave her 3 yr old with his family for weeks and months at a time and dont call to check on or see him and when they call her she dont even answer or call back but he's still payin child support. He have talked about marriage before the pregnancy but i wasnt really sure but now feel like i REALLY want a family for my child. I DOUBT he's going anywhere and i kno he especially wont if were married. He's been looking for a job but he was in a really bad accident that killed one severly injured three in 04 and was almost pronounced dead, every since he has joint pains but still managed to work. Now he's in the process of getting disability. Ive been livin "shackin" with him for about a yr now and dont know what to do. Through it all, im thinking about whats best for my child instead of whats best for me. I kno how it was growing up with out my parents being together and it really effected me.. So im thinkin should i try to make it work for the baby?? Im sooo confused...

intri

@janmommy Being prego don't really need a marriage at all specially if u are not sure of it why u marrying him...even u don't get married his still around and won't go nowhere like u said right? There are some family out there don't get married till they're sure of it..but they call themselves family and living together as mom dad and the baby...maybe u can still think if over again in yrs will past if u both are really for eachother..and let him wait to proposed to you for a marriage till that time comes... goodluck girl

Fate

You are already pregnant. Getting married before the baby comes is still having a kid out of wedlock since you've already conceived. You can still finish school while you're prego. Don't let anyone tell you different. If you finish school, you can better set an example for your baby when they grow up. I wish I finished school. I got pregnant with my first when I was 17 and even though my husband has a good job, it's really no fun to give up on your goals. I wanted to be a nurse. After my babies are in school, I plan on getting my diploma and going to college for a nursing degree. Please don't give up your dreams. A baby changes everything, but they shouldn't make your goals diasappear, a baby should fuel your dreams!

kay_la_la

Awh hun you shouldnt have been settling for him if you knew you deserved better! Does he have potential to get his shit together? If not, then do not get yourself into something youll regret. Especially because not only do YOU deserve better but so does your little blessing.

survivormommie3

dont look at it as a morals situation. i mean, if it was about morals and you didnt believe in having a baby out of wedlock, why is it ok to have sex out of wedlock, until you are caught in a pregnancy and everyone knows? i mean, i don't get that. i do understand the out of wedlock bit. i would DEFinately wait to marry this guy until you guys are completely stable, financially, with the baby mommas (to a degree- i mean, that may never resolve itself), you two being completely happy, seeing how he does with the baby and how you two deal with conflict and big issues. to me it's a no brainer, to wait before marriage. but that's just my opinion

[Deleted User]

Yah dnt do it! If you have to question the decision that's a HUGE sign, the fact that he isn't anywhere near financially stable for a child let alone a household is another big sign......

Dnt let others force you into a huge choice like this bc you and your child are the only ones who will have to deal with the consequences.

And like @fate said the child will be considered out of wedlock bc you already conceived, so I say complete your goals push and encourage him to do something with himself then think about marriage.

Remember that once you guys are married those women will be in your life forever

second_time_mommy7

@janmommy I went through the same exact thing with my sons dad, minus the bm's. There was nothing really bad about him, he didn't work. I knew I could do better. I stayed with him for almost 1year after I had my son (together for 4 prior to). I stayed because I too grew up with my parents divorced and rarely seen my father and all I knew is that I didn't want that life for my child. You said that his bm's don't like you because he puts you before his children, I get that his bm's aren't exactly "mom's of the year" but personally I would never be with someone who puts anyone before their kids. If he puts people (you) before the kids he has now what do you think is going to eventuality happen to your kids? With my bd it was his car that came before everything I always thought it would Change. Never did. It sounds to me like he had commitment issues and although you are very different from his exs he is still the same man he was and obviously had an attraction to hoes because he had kids with 2 of them.... I really don't want to sound like I am bashing your msn because that is not my intentions. You said you know you can do better, when I finally made my decision to leave I thought about EVERYTHING. From what my kids life would be like with or without him to what my life would be like. I don't know your/his full situation but I do know you said he use to work last year, and is still "trying" to find work. His accident was 4 years ago which tells me he is ok to work because he has since then... please don't take this the wrong way (anyone on ssi) but do you want your daughter to think the man should stay home while mommy works, or so that its ok as a man to do that and not provide for his family? I decided I would rather my child not think things like this were ok and got out. Last year I married a wonderful man that my son has known as daddy and I am so glad I made that decision. A lot of people see keeping their families together as a black and white matter, but truth be told its mostly gray, its not just giving a father to your children its what kind of father you are giving to them? You teach your children what behavior is acceptable. Don't ever feel like you can't get out because of your child because getting out may be the best thing for your child. I'm sorry this is like a book but I feel very passionate about this subject because I've seen and am still seeing situations like this go bad. If you don't mind me asking how old is he, you and bm's?

valentinasmommy

If you're not ready to marry,then don't. I personally wouldn't care what my parents said. They would have to get over it. Boo fucking hoo for them.

janmommy

Thank all of u sooo much, everything everyone of u said was very helpful and im sooo glad i found this website or i would still be torn in between the two.. Everyone was straight to the point and gave honest opionions, which i greatly appreciate. Ive made my decision after thinking long and hard reguardless of what my parents, church or anyone else has to say :-? Im NOT goin to marry this dude cause i am in love with him but i truely cant c myself with him for the rest of my life. And i kno i will feel completly STUCK if i was to marry him cauae we were actually goin to rush and get married before the baby get here in Jan. but i know that would just put me in an even worst situation then im already in. He's a great father to his other kids and i kno he will be a great one to mine reguardless if were married or not. I have goals that im going to contine to follow more now then ever which he have none! I alway knew i deserved better but when i met him it was right after i got out my 3 1/2 relationship so i was very vunerable and i feel into his arms. Also my father was in my life but never really around and disclaimed me for the frist five yrs of my life and evn after the dna he always favored my bro so as i got older love from any man felt so good and i used to b shy, quiet, fat and i thought ugly growin up so i had low self esteem so i always settled for less. Until 4 yrs ago i started losin weight and fixing myself up n now i look better then i EVER have and the boys from middle and high school all try/tried to talk to me. @second_time_mommy7.. Thx for being so concerned and full of advice >:D< But to answer ur question, he's 23, im 22 and his bms are 19 & 21 i believe, but they got minds of 17 yr olds and ive always been mature for my age.

Mybabe

Don't do it!!! I think you know that though it wouldn't be worth it especially if you know you can do better!!! Goodluck and Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

[Deleted User]

I would NEVER marry smeone just cause im preggo...specially if he cant provide, atleast equally, but congrats on ur bundle

Mamato2boys

Hun u gotta do whats bst for you because what is best for you is also whats best for your baby in the long run, I would say maybe have a talk with him and take things slow........And see how u feel about him but it already sounds like you have your mind set up already.....It seems to me that he has commitment issues anyway and well baggage to come with the relationship....it might sound selfish, but in the long run i personally do not think i could put up with the baby momma drama x's 2! And he seems to still get it together......But thats just me! All i can say is do not think youre obliged to stay with him just for family sake it sucks but not every family is perfect and has a mommy and daddy under the same roof all that matters is that your baby will get all theloving they need from both and atleast still be connected to both.....My parents divorced when i was 5 and my dad wasnt around, but i had a step dad that took me in as his own...later on in life my bio dad actually came around but needless to say i grew up fine...(well kinda lol) but i had good role models in my life....So to sum it all up Stay because you want to not because you feel you need to or vise versa leave because you want to or yeah u know what i mean lol

janmommy

Thx ladies, the marriage is off.. Its a negative, i wanna wait for Mr. Right while im dealing with Mr. Right now. :-q I just cant do it.. I kno God will send me the man of my dreamz with goals one day that'll except me n my baby. Just gotta wait for that day :-W

ghettobetty

Good luck!

janmommy

@Mommato2boys.. U r sooo right, and u have some great points which helped a lot. Thx a mil : ) @ghettobetty.. Thx, imma need good prayers too /:-)