I think I'm depressed
I'm not going to hurt myself or baby or anything, but been having an increasingly hard time. Some of you who have read prior posts know about my mil/sils situation, that last summer had an ectopic followed by a miscarriage and that this pregnancy started out with twins and lost one. In the past five years I have had to have two neck surgeries from accident in the Army, plus I had viral menigitus that they misdiagnised twice, so caught it late and I ended up in hospital quarantine almost dead. Now, as some of you know I have TB, tuberculosis. I am at home on quarantine. My husband is completely clear so far. I just keep thinking, how much crap do I get before one of these kills me? I know what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger, buy I feel like I'm not even supposed to be alive. I love my coworkers, but I hate my job. I've missed so much work this year with morning sickness and now TB, I have no fmla left for maternity leave and metlife still hasn't approved my two month absence from earlier this year when I was at home on an iv with a pump for zofran and an nurse coming checking on me everyday, so still fighting to get 2 months of pay back. If it weren't for the insurance I would quit my job now. Open enrollment to get on my husband's is in October, so right when the baby arrives and knowing my luck, after. I already leave for work @ 4:30am and don't get home until like 5pm, and in August my boss and team need me to work night shifts that would be 8pm til 8am and with the drive/commute is have to leave at 7pm and wouldn't get home until 10am (bc that is right during the morning rush). I just feel lost.
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I just talked to my husband about everything. I had been holding back most of it because I know he already has a lot of stress worrying about me and saving up for baby. We had our 24 week check up and the doctor was worried about my bp (added to that I've been having dizzy spells and fainted once this week). She said if it doesn't go down I could have heart trouble and put the baby at danger. I definitely don't want that (we tried for six years before we finally got here!) and he is scared now because that was the first time he has seen me melt down. I'm not good at showing that side of me, throw back from being raised by my dad and three older brothers and being in the Army. He said that I should quit. He didnt even blink. Then I explained why I couldn't with the insurance and money situation so he is looking at getting me on his, if they will allow it if I no longer had a job. I feel a little better, but also a little worse because I know I just increased his stress factor to about a bizzilion.
I thought of a funny thing to tell you, alarm went off this morning at 3:30am, and hubby didn't budge. So I thought, oh no, he is having a rough morning. So I went down and packed a lunch for him so he wouldn't have to worry it when he came down and risk running late. I packed mine and went up and he was still in bed. So I started poking him asking if he was going to get up. He was like, "I'm so tired..." So I asked him, while shaking his leg, mind you I had turned the lights on too, why he turned the alarm off. He said because it was Sunday. OMG, I felt so bad. I went, really? He set the alarm on accident out of habit and I told him I better put our lunches in the fridge!!! So I had to go back downstairs and put everything away. unfortunately, damage done, we've been up ever since lol.
BTW lol, that is some good looking uteri!!!
I was so upset earlier, and hubby was very sweet, he put me back to bed, I slept for three hours and when I woke up, he had done groceries. Things are going to work out, I know that, it just makes it hard to deal when I feel down and screwed up all the time. It is like I just can't be happy. If this sounds like a dumb question, sorry, but can that hurt the baby? My mil (yeah, I know...) says it can and I need to snap out of it... Like it is that easy. Just need to know from someone who seems to be knowledgeable.