My Soldier
This is a really long story, so please bare with me. Also, I'm really exposing myself here, dropping all of my pride and being 100% honest with both you ladies... and myself. It took a very long time for me to admit this truth to even myself, so please: only proceed and read with an open mind. Military mommas, I humble myself before you. You ladies are stronger than I ever could be.
I'm going to start from the beginning... three and a half years ago. (Don't worry, there is plenty of time skips.)
When I was 17, my parents moved me away from my home. Just after I turned 18, I joined a dating website in December of 2008. In January, I met the most wonderful man... a soldier. I knew he was a soldier from the very beginning, but I didn't mind. February 9th, 2009 was our first date and the beginning of a relationship with many complications, but with someone I now know I truly love. At the time I was trying to get over a guy who had dumped me, but because of the heartbreak, it pushed me closer to my Soldier. In October of 2008, he had gone through his own heartbreak. After arriving home from his tour in Iraq, he and his fiancee at the time broke up... for good. I don't remember why, honestly. But I do remember that within a year of them being broken up, she was married and divorced. Within. The year. It was crazy! I had promised myself that I would never do that to him... that I would never leave him for someone else and break his heart like that. But as time went on, as we passed our 1 year mark of being together, we started to have our problems (as any good couple does, I now know). We also found out he'd be deploying again within about a year to Afghanistan. Things became... complacent, I guess you could say? He became comfortable around me, and we had our routines when he came over for the weekends (we lived in different cities and worked different shifts. Him overnights and me during the evenings/days). After a while, it got to the point where he would come over later and later cuz it was "just too hard" for him to get out of bed in the evenings. I didn't feel like I was asking too much for him to make me a little bit more of a priority. He would sleep all the time, well into the night and even after midnight. I worked evenings over the weekends and sometimes he wouldn't get up til I was going to bed. It became a strain on me. He seemed overly comfortable with the arrangement. Our arguments got worse and worse, heated to an extent that they often ended with me storming off to go cry alone in a corner somewhere. The weird part about our arguments was that I was the one who did all the yelling, and he just kept quiet (something that irritated me to no end). One thing we always argued about was children: I had baby fever, and he didn't want them for a few years (though he always posed his objection as though he didn't want children period. Always saying "no babies"... blar).
Our relationship wasn't "open", per say, but I was allowed to hang out with and talk to whomever I wanted. He had complete and full trust in me (something I highly regret breaking). I had booted back up my profile on the dating site because he and I talked about finding a couple who wanted to have romantic fun times with us. Well, needless to say I didn't find one. I made a few new friends, but that's all it was. Just friends. Until August 2010. I met a guy who will be labeled as Douche. (Yes, I'm aware of where it looks like this is heading. How I wish I could say that I'm better than that...) Douche was everything Soldier wasn't. He gave me all the attention I could ever possibly want. He wanted nothing more than to spend all his time with me, every second of every day. He was super in tuned with his emotions, and was always full of conversation. He liked to party and have fun, where Soldier always just wanted to sit at home and play World of Warcraft and watch movies with just he and I. With all of the problems that Soldier and I were having, that was suddenly all I could see. The problems we had and everything great Douche had to offer. So after only a few weeks of deliberating, I told Soldier that I wanted to take a break. It was hard for me to do, and Douche promised that he'd be there to help me through it no matter what. I couldn't handle being locked up in the apartment with Soldier and the heartbreak I knew I was causing him, so I left for a few hours to be with Douche. (yes, I do realize how horrible I am for all of it... again, please don't judge me for this. I've made horrible, terrible mistakes regarding my love life). I can say that I never cheated on him, though. I never once did anything other than hug Douche before I broke things off with Soldier, and I'm the kind of person who hugs all of my friends and Soldier was well aware of that and had no problems with it. Soldier ended up still staying the weekend, and we saw each other once or twice a month still.
I hadn't intended to, but Douche and I immediately jumped into a relationship within a week of Soldier and I breaking up. We had loads of fun, but shortly after we got together, he started showing signs of jealousy and other things that weren't okay by me. He was having problems at work, he doesn't have a car let alone his license, he was spending his money on petty things instead of things that really mattered... there were just lots of problems. But at the time, those problems weren't bothering me. They were, but not in the way they did at the end. I began to miss Soldier strongly, laying awake next to Douche late at night and silently crying. I eventually got up the courage to talk to Douche about it. He got overly emotional and began to manipulate me with tears. He told me to just go back to him, then took off down the hall to sit and cry as though I had just ripped him apart. I wish I had been smarter, but I wanted Soldier back. I told Soldier that I wanted to talk to him in person, and to please be at my work when I got off so we could have some time to talk. He usually got up for work at 9:30 pm, and I got off work at 9. I wasn't real sure why that would be so hard for him to do, but apparently it was too much. I called and called for hours, trying to wake him up and get him to come talk. This wasn't something I was going to do over the phone. Finally, at 2:30 a.m., he called me and said "Hey, I overslept. Do you still want to talk?" I got mad, told him it wasn't important, and hung up on him. The next day, I spent a lot of time on the phone with him while I was at work. I told him that things were final and over between us. That last night was his last chance to show me that I really was a priority to him, and he blew it. God, how I wish I could take that night back. But that day... That day, on the phone, I heard him cry. He hadn't cried in years, not even when his father disowned him because we were being stupid while he was away (by sleeping in the same room, but whatever). It broke my heart, but my pride wouldn't let me take it back.
Things between Douche and I never got any better... I tried leaving him several times, but it never really worked. He would cry, and beg me not to go, not to do it to him. He was a manipulator, a pill popper, had a drinking problem... He began to have problems at work and his hours kept getting cut. Suddenly I found myself kicked out of the really nice apartment that I had for cheap (family owned), and paying all the bills on an apartment we had together (that was barely what I could afford), and damn near having to pay his $200 worth of fines each month. We fought non-stop, and things became really tense. 4 months into our relationship (December 2010), I finally managed to break things off with him. For good. We were still living together, but tensely. 2 weeks later, on January 11th, 2011... guess what? I found out I'm pregnant. Well, this is just lovely. Soldier and I had already been talking about getting back together before I found out. (To Be Continued)
I'm going to start from the beginning... three and a half years ago. (Don't worry, there is plenty of time skips.)
When I was 17, my parents moved me away from my home. Just after I turned 18, I joined a dating website in December of 2008. In January, I met the most wonderful man... a soldier. I knew he was a soldier from the very beginning, but I didn't mind. February 9th, 2009 was our first date and the beginning of a relationship with many complications, but with someone I now know I truly love. At the time I was trying to get over a guy who had dumped me, but because of the heartbreak, it pushed me closer to my Soldier. In October of 2008, he had gone through his own heartbreak. After arriving home from his tour in Iraq, he and his fiancee at the time broke up... for good. I don't remember why, honestly. But I do remember that within a year of them being broken up, she was married and divorced. Within. The year. It was crazy! I had promised myself that I would never do that to him... that I would never leave him for someone else and break his heart like that. But as time went on, as we passed our 1 year mark of being together, we started to have our problems (as any good couple does, I now know). We also found out he'd be deploying again within about a year to Afghanistan. Things became... complacent, I guess you could say? He became comfortable around me, and we had our routines when he came over for the weekends (we lived in different cities and worked different shifts. Him overnights and me during the evenings/days). After a while, it got to the point where he would come over later and later cuz it was "just too hard" for him to get out of bed in the evenings. I didn't feel like I was asking too much for him to make me a little bit more of a priority. He would sleep all the time, well into the night and even after midnight. I worked evenings over the weekends and sometimes he wouldn't get up til I was going to bed. It became a strain on me. He seemed overly comfortable with the arrangement. Our arguments got worse and worse, heated to an extent that they often ended with me storming off to go cry alone in a corner somewhere. The weird part about our arguments was that I was the one who did all the yelling, and he just kept quiet (something that irritated me to no end). One thing we always argued about was children: I had baby fever, and he didn't want them for a few years (though he always posed his objection as though he didn't want children period. Always saying "no babies"... blar).
Our relationship wasn't "open", per say, but I was allowed to hang out with and talk to whomever I wanted. He had complete and full trust in me (something I highly regret breaking). I had booted back up my profile on the dating site because he and I talked about finding a couple who wanted to have romantic fun times with us. Well, needless to say I didn't find one. I made a few new friends, but that's all it was. Just friends. Until August 2010. I met a guy who will be labeled as Douche. (Yes, I'm aware of where it looks like this is heading. How I wish I could say that I'm better than that...) Douche was everything Soldier wasn't. He gave me all the attention I could ever possibly want. He wanted nothing more than to spend all his time with me, every second of every day. He was super in tuned with his emotions, and was always full of conversation. He liked to party and have fun, where Soldier always just wanted to sit at home and play World of Warcraft and watch movies with just he and I. With all of the problems that Soldier and I were having, that was suddenly all I could see. The problems we had and everything great Douche had to offer. So after only a few weeks of deliberating, I told Soldier that I wanted to take a break. It was hard for me to do, and Douche promised that he'd be there to help me through it no matter what. I couldn't handle being locked up in the apartment with Soldier and the heartbreak I knew I was causing him, so I left for a few hours to be with Douche. (yes, I do realize how horrible I am for all of it... again, please don't judge me for this. I've made horrible, terrible mistakes regarding my love life). I can say that I never cheated on him, though. I never once did anything other than hug Douche before I broke things off with Soldier, and I'm the kind of person who hugs all of my friends and Soldier was well aware of that and had no problems with it. Soldier ended up still staying the weekend, and we saw each other once or twice a month still.
I hadn't intended to, but Douche and I immediately jumped into a relationship within a week of Soldier and I breaking up. We had loads of fun, but shortly after we got together, he started showing signs of jealousy and other things that weren't okay by me. He was having problems at work, he doesn't have a car let alone his license, he was spending his money on petty things instead of things that really mattered... there were just lots of problems. But at the time, those problems weren't bothering me. They were, but not in the way they did at the end. I began to miss Soldier strongly, laying awake next to Douche late at night and silently crying. I eventually got up the courage to talk to Douche about it. He got overly emotional and began to manipulate me with tears. He told me to just go back to him, then took off down the hall to sit and cry as though I had just ripped him apart. I wish I had been smarter, but I wanted Soldier back. I told Soldier that I wanted to talk to him in person, and to please be at my work when I got off so we could have some time to talk. He usually got up for work at 9:30 pm, and I got off work at 9. I wasn't real sure why that would be so hard for him to do, but apparently it was too much. I called and called for hours, trying to wake him up and get him to come talk. This wasn't something I was going to do over the phone. Finally, at 2:30 a.m., he called me and said "Hey, I overslept. Do you still want to talk?" I got mad, told him it wasn't important, and hung up on him. The next day, I spent a lot of time on the phone with him while I was at work. I told him that things were final and over between us. That last night was his last chance to show me that I really was a priority to him, and he blew it. God, how I wish I could take that night back. But that day... That day, on the phone, I heard him cry. He hadn't cried in years, not even when his father disowned him because we were being stupid while he was away (by sleeping in the same room, but whatever). It broke my heart, but my pride wouldn't let me take it back.
Things between Douche and I never got any better... I tried leaving him several times, but it never really worked. He would cry, and beg me not to go, not to do it to him. He was a manipulator, a pill popper, had a drinking problem... He began to have problems at work and his hours kept getting cut. Suddenly I found myself kicked out of the really nice apartment that I had for cheap (family owned), and paying all the bills on an apartment we had together (that was barely what I could afford), and damn near having to pay his $200 worth of fines each month. We fought non-stop, and things became really tense. 4 months into our relationship (December 2010), I finally managed to break things off with him. For good. We were still living together, but tensely. 2 weeks later, on January 11th, 2011... guess what? I found out I'm pregnant. Well, this is just lovely. Soldier and I had already been talking about getting back together before I found out. (To Be Continued)
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Around valentines day, a friend of mine and I ended up going on a date, and we really hit it off. I figured the only way to really get past Soldier was to try to move on. Friend was there for me, but he just wasn't ready. He broke my heart and put me into a deep depression. Everything is fixed between us, and I'm 110% okay with us just being friends again. A few weeks ago, Soldier called and let me know he was no longer going to Afghanistan (where there was a good chance he wasn't coming home), and now going to Kuwait (where he described was a paid vacation in the desert, lol). I was so relieved that I cried and told EVERYONE who would listen.
In the middle of the good news, I had been trying to date again with New Guy. New Guy is everything a single mother could hope for: Supportive, sweet, spoiling, and even offering to step up and play daddy (even though I repeatedly told him that I didn't expect him to in any way shape or form). He has 4 kids of his own, so he definitely knows how to take care of them. But something was totally off about it all... New Guy reminded me a LOT of Douche in both good and bad respects. I decided that a relationship with New Guy was out of the question. Mostly because I couldn't get Soldier off my mind. Everything reminded me of him, and I began to miss him so, so, sooo much. Every bit of my problems with Soldier no longer mattered... I just wanted to lay next to him again and listen to him breathe, know that he was alive underneath my fingertips...
Suddenly, I realized the real, true reason I broke up with him. I had thought back long and hard over everything that had happened: when things started to go bad, why they went bad... All of it. And that's when I realized the real reason, the reason I was too ashamed to even admit to myself.
This is where things get hard for me to admit. But the best way to do it is just to say it... I was afraid. I was terrified of his deployment to Afghanistan. I was scared of losing him when it was out of my control. When I broke up with him, that was something I controlled. Something that was my choice. Losing him to the war wouldn't have been something I could have stopped. It would have broken me... who I was... beyond repair. And I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for running away. I didn't even really know it was that until I really started to tell myself the truth. It was always there, in the back of my mind, but I had convinced myself that it wasn't and that all these other reasons were the real problem. But my God, ladies, I would trade almost everything to just go back to those days when he was by my side. The only good thing that came out of all of this (aside from his change in deployment) was my baby girl. She is due 3 days after the 1 year mark for mine and Soldier's breakup.
I wish, oh, God, how I wish that I could just be there for Soldier again. But I don't know how to tell him that I still love him... that I made some major mistakes, worse than any I had ever made before. I wish that I could just... take it all back. No one ever loved me as much as he did, even for how distant he was from me because of his emotional reservations. And no one is ever as good as he was. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to say.... And I honestly don't know how he could ever forgive me for what I did to him.
Thank you, ladies. Oh, so very much. It means a lot to me that someone actually read that horrendously long post set. ^^; And that there is actually advice out there for such a messed up situation. I tried to tell this to one of my friends earlier today (because it really got to me... I haven't slept since yesterday)... and he verbally beat me down for it. Saying what a crappy thing it was to do, that I should have stood by him through the deployment. Honestly, had I known what the real reason for my upset was, I would have toughed it out and gotten through it. I so wish I had been truthful with myself before now. Before it felt like it was too late. Thanks, "friend".
But there is a little bit of hopeful lining in all of this... We still talk like old friends from time to time. I did an incredibly crappy job of keeping in touch with him before he went overseas, but now he's there and he has internet. I got to talk to him for 3 hours yesterday, and talked to him off and on for the past hour today. I'm hoping I'll eventually have the courage to tell him all of this. Part of my dilemma is that I'm not sure *when* to tell him. He just arrived a week ago (tomorrow)... he even had his mother call me and let me know he got there safely since he had limited call time. He'll be there til march/april. Should I wait til he comes home to tell him? Make sure that I'm really feeling all of this (which I'm nearly 200% sure I am! My love has never really changed for him... if anything, became stronger in our separation)? Or should I tell him while he's still there, let him know he's not alone and that he has someone waiting on him to come home?
Im going to say don't wait
@beaded_bunny You know, you're right, hun. He's in a safe zone (@jalem ) in Kuwait (an american soldier check-in station), but there's no telling what could happen in the next 9 months. They could be bombed or something. Then I'd really hate myself for never even trying to right my wrongs.
I do hope things work out between you two but just remember he may have some reservations....
@rayray Your post definitely brought a smile to my face. Thank you, hun. I've started writing this in a letter (in pen) about 5 times now... but it never seems to come out right. I'm going to keep working on it, though. Because if anything... I at least want him to know that I still care. And if he only wants to be friends after all of this... then it's something I'll have to accept. And as long as I don't lose him from my life forever, I think I will be okay.
@kritten_octoberbby Thank you. And I do agree. The other reasons weren't null and void, but they weren't what I made them out to be at the time. I let them become all encompassing... I guess my subconscious wanted to drown out my cowardice so that even I didn't see it.
@armywife3 I will definitely keep you ladies updated.