The long, hard road to recovery (very long)
**THE POST CONTINUES IN THE FIRST FEW COMMENTS**
just in case you haven't read any of my previous posts, i'll give some backstory.
FROM PREVIOUS POSTS:
JULY 11
first off, I'm 19. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 16, because she made me absolutly hate everything about myself. well, due to financial problems, my fiance' and I moved in with my mom so he could find a decent paying job so we could get on our feet again. I was skeptical of doing it at first, but I knew it was the ONLY way we'd ever get ahead. Well, we've been here for almost 3 months, and I'm on the verge of causing myself to have another mental breakdown. I tried to have a conversation with my mom tonight about my baby shower last Saturday, and that I really don't like how people keep telling me how hard it's going to be, and that I'm never going to be able to do it by myself. I'm pretty sure raising a child is very hard, but I really don't care for all the negativity. She starts going off about how they're telling me that because I'm so immature and hardheaded and they want me to wake up. Why am I immature and hardheaded all of a sudden? I've been doing my best & trying my hardest to prepare for this baby. I thought I was doing so good! Then, I tried to explain to her that my fiancee is thinking about going back to his parent's house and working twice as hard to get us ahead, because he doesn't care for how I get treated here. Then, she's calling him an idiot for wanting to leave his job just because she doesn't "baby" me, and she says what's on her mind because this is HER house. What did my fiancee ever do to her to be called an idiot? If anything, she should appriciate him busting his ass throughout my entire pregnancy and being a man, instead of walking away like other men do. I feel like such a loser. As hard as I try, and as much effort as I put forward, I will NEVER be good enough, and I can't take it!!! She makes me feel so worthless, and I'm tired of beating myself up because of her! Will ANY doctor take me as a new patient at 33 weeks 5 days? I HAVE to leave this house before I find myself slipping into another 5 year depression over what my mom thinks of me.
JULY 13
This whole situation with my mom has left me all messed up. Yesterday, me & my fiance packed up, and drove 4 hours to his parents house. Well, as we were leaving my mom's house, I figured it would be common courtesy to call her and let her know that everything was in order, and we were heading out. She let me finish my sentence, then hung up in my face. If I said 2 whole words to my fiance yesterday, I said a mouthful. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, or function. I keep telling myself it isn't my fault over & over again, but I can't stop myself from actually feeling like it is. Being 34 weeks pregnant & horomonal isn't helping the cause, either. I thought about trying some anti-depressants or something, but I'm not really okay with doing that while pregnant. I know that everything's going to be okay, and that eventually I'll learn to cope without my mom in my life, but right now I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ugh, I REALLY didn't want this to happen.
now that you've got the backstory..
i decided to get in touch with my mom on facebook to try to get some kind of closure. i'm 34 weeks pregnant, and i can't afford to be depressed right now. i have too much i need to take care of, including myself & my unborn daughter. before i did anything, i asked my fiancee if it seemed like a good idea to contact my mom, and he agreed it was. so i did.
ME:I'm sending this so I can get what I have to say off my chest without getting cut off, hung up on, or misunderstood. I never said I didn't want you in my life. If that were the case, I would have never moved back down there. I would of figured out how to make it work here, but obviously that wasn't it. I need/needed the support of my mom throughout my pregnancy, and I wanted you to be a part of the decisions I made for myself and the baby. Things didn't go as I planned, because I expected more out of you than I should have. I shouldn't have thought I was going to go there and EVERYTHING be different. That was wrong on my part, but in the same breath, you could have been more compasionate and understanding. I'm not superwoman, nor am I perfect. Sometimes the simplest of tasks is more than I can handle at a given point in time, but instead of understanding that, you took it as me being lazy, or rebellious. You've been pregnant before, so you know what it's like. But, it seems like you don't remember how hard it was physically, therefore you can't relate to it. But, that isn't where the problems stop. I DO appriciate you spending money on throwing me a baby shower, but I'm not the type of person to make it a point to thank anyone, even though I am thankful. And, from my point of view, I think that's where the whole problem lies. Maybe I'm wrong, but the way I see it, you were expecting a little more out of me after/during the baby shower, and I didn't show the thanks you expected. Which is why there was tention between us Sunday night causing the arguement about the whole nanny situation, that we had already discussed previously. Monday night, the point I was trying to make is that the negativity that everyone keeps pushing on me about how hard raising a child is was starting to take a toll on me. You made it worse by telling me how immature and hard headed I am. And, somehow or another, you came up with the notion that I don't want anything to do with you, and that you wash your hands of me and the baby. So, since I don't feel that way at all, you basically put me in a position where I figure that's how you've been feeling all along, and it finally came out, or in the heat of the moment, you said something you didn't mean. If you don't want anything to do with us, that's your desicion. I'll say what I have to say, and be gone. But, if that isn't the case, things HAVE to change. You can't get mad over a conversation, and then turn the tables on me when I get mad because you're mad, and you HAVE to learn how to look back to the past, and remember the postions you were in... like when you were young and pregnant. If ANYONE should be able to relate to the scared, unknowing feeling that I'm experiencing, it should be you. But, instead you kinda make me feel like I'm a screw up, and that I shouldn't be feeling this way, because you put up a wall around your past, and it's impossible to penetrate it to be able to connect with you, and I HATE that. Do you honestly think I like having this screwed up relationship that we have? No. I want us to be able to connect, but it will NEVER happen until we learn how to be more compassionate of each other. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.
just in case you haven't read any of my previous posts, i'll give some backstory.
FROM PREVIOUS POSTS:
JULY 11
first off, I'm 19. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 16, because she made me absolutly hate everything about myself. well, due to financial problems, my fiance' and I moved in with my mom so he could find a decent paying job so we could get on our feet again. I was skeptical of doing it at first, but I knew it was the ONLY way we'd ever get ahead. Well, we've been here for almost 3 months, and I'm on the verge of causing myself to have another mental breakdown. I tried to have a conversation with my mom tonight about my baby shower last Saturday, and that I really don't like how people keep telling me how hard it's going to be, and that I'm never going to be able to do it by myself. I'm pretty sure raising a child is very hard, but I really don't care for all the negativity. She starts going off about how they're telling me that because I'm so immature and hardheaded and they want me to wake up. Why am I immature and hardheaded all of a sudden? I've been doing my best & trying my hardest to prepare for this baby. I thought I was doing so good! Then, I tried to explain to her that my fiancee is thinking about going back to his parent's house and working twice as hard to get us ahead, because he doesn't care for how I get treated here. Then, she's calling him an idiot for wanting to leave his job just because she doesn't "baby" me, and she says what's on her mind because this is HER house. What did my fiancee ever do to her to be called an idiot? If anything, she should appriciate him busting his ass throughout my entire pregnancy and being a man, instead of walking away like other men do. I feel like such a loser. As hard as I try, and as much effort as I put forward, I will NEVER be good enough, and I can't take it!!! She makes me feel so worthless, and I'm tired of beating myself up because of her! Will ANY doctor take me as a new patient at 33 weeks 5 days? I HAVE to leave this house before I find myself slipping into another 5 year depression over what my mom thinks of me.
JULY 13
This whole situation with my mom has left me all messed up. Yesterday, me & my fiance packed up, and drove 4 hours to his parents house. Well, as we were leaving my mom's house, I figured it would be common courtesy to call her and let her know that everything was in order, and we were heading out. She let me finish my sentence, then hung up in my face. If I said 2 whole words to my fiance yesterday, I said a mouthful. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, or function. I keep telling myself it isn't my fault over & over again, but I can't stop myself from actually feeling like it is. Being 34 weeks pregnant & horomonal isn't helping the cause, either. I thought about trying some anti-depressants or something, but I'm not really okay with doing that while pregnant. I know that everything's going to be okay, and that eventually I'll learn to cope without my mom in my life, but right now I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ugh, I REALLY didn't want this to happen.
now that you've got the backstory..
i decided to get in touch with my mom on facebook to try to get some kind of closure. i'm 34 weeks pregnant, and i can't afford to be depressed right now. i have too much i need to take care of, including myself & my unborn daughter. before i did anything, i asked my fiancee if it seemed like a good idea to contact my mom, and he agreed it was. so i did.
ME:I'm sending this so I can get what I have to say off my chest without getting cut off, hung up on, or misunderstood. I never said I didn't want you in my life. If that were the case, I would have never moved back down there. I would of figured out how to make it work here, but obviously that wasn't it. I need/needed the support of my mom throughout my pregnancy, and I wanted you to be a part of the decisions I made for myself and the baby. Things didn't go as I planned, because I expected more out of you than I should have. I shouldn't have thought I was going to go there and EVERYTHING be different. That was wrong on my part, but in the same breath, you could have been more compasionate and understanding. I'm not superwoman, nor am I perfect. Sometimes the simplest of tasks is more than I can handle at a given point in time, but instead of understanding that, you took it as me being lazy, or rebellious. You've been pregnant before, so you know what it's like. But, it seems like you don't remember how hard it was physically, therefore you can't relate to it. But, that isn't where the problems stop. I DO appriciate you spending money on throwing me a baby shower, but I'm not the type of person to make it a point to thank anyone, even though I am thankful. And, from my point of view, I think that's where the whole problem lies. Maybe I'm wrong, but the way I see it, you were expecting a little more out of me after/during the baby shower, and I didn't show the thanks you expected. Which is why there was tention between us Sunday night causing the arguement about the whole nanny situation, that we had already discussed previously. Monday night, the point I was trying to make is that the negativity that everyone keeps pushing on me about how hard raising a child is was starting to take a toll on me. You made it worse by telling me how immature and hard headed I am. And, somehow or another, you came up with the notion that I don't want anything to do with you, and that you wash your hands of me and the baby. So, since I don't feel that way at all, you basically put me in a position where I figure that's how you've been feeling all along, and it finally came out, or in the heat of the moment, you said something you didn't mean. If you don't want anything to do with us, that's your desicion. I'll say what I have to say, and be gone. But, if that isn't the case, things HAVE to change. You can't get mad over a conversation, and then turn the tables on me when I get mad because you're mad, and you HAVE to learn how to look back to the past, and remember the postions you were in... like when you were young and pregnant. If ANYONE should be able to relate to the scared, unknowing feeling that I'm experiencing, it should be you. But, instead you kinda make me feel like I'm a screw up, and that I shouldn't be feeling this way, because you put up a wall around your past, and it's impossible to penetrate it to be able to connect with you, and I HATE that. Do you honestly think I like having this screwed up relationship that we have? No. I want us to be able to connect, but it will NEVER happen until we learn how to be more compassionate of each other. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.
Comments
(excuse all the typos)
It really gets to me that my sister is trying to make the situation between us, something she shouldn't even be getting involved in, worse than it already is by twisting things that I said. Monday night, after you went to sleep, me and Aaron were sitting in the bedroom talking, the bedroom door happened to be open, my sister stood in the doorway, and said she had something to tell me with attutide. I didn't want to hear it, or deal with it, so I said, "I don't care, close my door". She kept going on and on, and I ended up repeating that sentence 3 or 4 times before she decided to just run off at the mouth, and tell me what she had to say. I didn't hear 1 word of it, because I cut her off, and said "I don't give a fuck, close my door". She then told me nobody gives a fuck about me, called me a bitch, and slammed my bedroom door. I'm being made out as a cold, heartless person over something I didn't even say, and it damn sure isn't right. No matter how much we argue, and how much our ways of life differ, I would never say I wouldn't give a fuck if something happened to you. You're my mom, and it REALLY aggravates me that we cannot keep a discussion between ourselves, without EVERYONE wanting to jump in and give their 2 cents. In my point of view, that ISN'T helping us any, and isn't good for a HEALTHY relationship. As far as the nanny situation goes, I don't even want to discuss it anymore. Both me and Aaron come to the decision that nobody will be appointed nanny, because it's obviously just grounds for an arguement, and neither of us wants to deal with it. If someone's feelings are hurt by that decision, I'm sorry, but that's the end of it.
Now, back on subject. I don't know where the idea that I would use the baby against you came from. There was ONE instance, months ago, that Abby was brought up in one of our arguements, but other than that, our arguements have remained OUR arguements, and that's how it should be. I know how much you want to be there for her, and as a grandma, you're entitled to that. BUT, in the same breath, I can't be around someone who makes me so insecure, and so bad, about myself and decisions I make. ALL I wanted to say Monday night, was that the negativity/negative remarks people were making about how hard raising a child is are taking a toll on me, and I feel like the WHOLE world is just waiting on me to fall flat on my face. I'm not asking you to LIVE in the past, but think back to when you were pregnant with me. Did YOU know how to raise a baby? Or even think back to when Nana was pregnant with her first, do you think SHE knew how to raise a baby? No, neither one of you did, just like I don't. You both learned how to be a parent as your children grew up, just like I will. I can't stop everyone from putting in their remarks, but I was looking for reassurance that I WILL LEARN to be a good mom, even though it is a rough thing to do. Instead, you pretty much made me feel like you truly doubt my abiltiy to learn, and to be even a decent mom. That is a prime example of you making me feel bad/insecure. YOU should be the one cheering me on, and letting me know that times WILL get hard, but I can do it. You shouldn't be the one making me question myself. So, if I have trouble being around you because of the ways you make me feel, how are you and Abby going to have a relationship? WE have to learn how to be civil, and respectful of other's feelings. I'm not the most compassionate person ever, and I have many of the same flaws. We BOTH have to work at this, not just one of us, if we ever want this to work. I WANT you to be a part of Abby's life, because you ARE her grandma. So, that should solve any thoughts of me using her "against" you.
I know in the past I have said things about you that I shouldn't have, but recently I haven't said a thing about you to anyone. Including Aaron, his mom, or his brother (who I don't even talk to. his girlfriend keeps sending me stuff on Facebook, and a stop was put to that today). If you must, you can ask Aaron to confirm this himself. &I'm tired of being accused of "throwing temper tantrums" and "running away". I get pissed because I can't communicate with ANYONE without them blowing the whole situation out of the water, and I don't think I've "ran away" from my problems since me and Aaron have got together. Did you honestly think I was going to stay in your house after you telling me you washed your hands of me and the baby? Why would I want to stay somewhere that I'm obviously not welcomed? It seems like you expect me to do things that you yourself wouldn't do, and that's asking for a bit much. I am a person just like everyone else, and I deserve to be able to screw up, and not be expected to follow some straightened arrow, that God himself couldn't follow.
@survivormommie3 Advice, opinions, reassurance, anything that could possibly help make this situation better.
so... just reading what you have here it sounds like not only are you hurt but your mom's feeling are hurt as well. it sounds like both of you are pulling the big guns and "getting them before they get me" mentality. it sounds like your mom needs to let go of the thoughts that she may be the mom, but it sure doesn't sound like she is fully taking on the "mom" role even now in her life. just because you are grown up and old enough to do your own thing does NOT mean that she can throw in the towel. on the flip side (and some experience and flaws i have in myself and remembering how i treated my mom as a teen) i think she is feeling attacked and very very hurt. i don't trust anyone these days other than my husband because whatever i say will always get back to my mom and of course it will always be swayed by the person who is spreading "the news." so if you have a beef with your mom you need to tell HER. maybe try the pillow game. you talk about how you are feeling and thoughts on ONE subject (baby shower) all while your mom can't speak a word until she has the pillow. when you are done with what you have to say throw it back to your mom and YOU cannot talk while she has the pillow and allow her to get out what she needs to. the two of you resolve the situation or agree to disagree and move to another subject. you leave that subject behind, not to mention it again and move forward.
it sounds as if you and your mom are all too well alike and as she defends herself and also guards herself, you do just the same. so your similarities are getting in your way. it's a matter of fighting through them. if the pillow game doesn't ultimately work then i would strongly suggest counseling. nothing wrong with it. i would just try the pillow trick before spending money and time on someone who will guide you to do essentially the same thing.
you two have to agree to disagree sometimes. you aren't the same person. and she is your mom so no matter how you feel or strongly you may think about something, she is a person herself with her own thoughts. so even though you may be putting forth your best efforts, she may still anger you by acting in a way you can't control. we can't control others- just ourselves.
While going to therapy, the counselor told us we were both pointing out the other's flaws in our discussions by saying you this, you that, etc. And, told us to use the word "I" instead. I remember this, because it took me FOREVER to manage getting it right, but I did, and I try to use that in the conversations with my mom in hopes that it'll remove some tention, but when I point out my own flaws, she knows she's pretty much got me where it hurts, and starts throwing the "low blows".
I don't expect our relationship to ever be great, but I hope we can at least be civil for the baby.
She talks bad about his dad, claims he was emotionally abusing her. talked bad about me and you name it, shes done it. if you ask her thou she just blames him and puts him down constantly. he doesnt speak with her anymore. it was really hard for me to undertand their relationship because no matter how much i get mad at my mom, i love her sooo much. i thought he was just hurt and trying to hide his feelings, i thought secretly he wants to talk to her. i cant even say" your mom " cuz he gets exteremly upset. he just has been hurt by her so much and resents her for keeping him away from his dad when his dad was so old and struggling with his health so there is so many deep issues.
i think your alot different than him but i can relate how frustrating it must be when she doesnt admit her own faults and constantly plays victim. i dont think you can be like my husband and ignore your mom altogether. my husband issues alot older and deeper. dont let yours come to that point. soon you gonna be a mother, years gonna pass and if you dont fix whatever you have right now, its gonna be just bitter relationship with alot of resentments.
someone has to put their pride down, i think you are very mature for your age. if you want to have some kind of relationship with her in the future just try to let go her stupid ways. if she doesnt want to admit shes wrong , just let her be. dont get it under your skin. she has been like the way she is sooo many years. change might never happen , especially with you just confronting her constantly. you can change your attitude towards her becouse you clearly see what shes doing wrong. just treat her like someone who says stupid stuff but has good intensions or whatever thought that might help you to accept her the way she is.
when your pregnant , you shouldnt worry about anything. ease your mind, try to make things easy for yourself. if she pisses you off , dont yell at her , be sweet and tell her " mom that was really hurtfull, please dont say stuff like this" instead of lashing out or contempleating in your mind what she said, what she meant by it. dont give ourself that burden. adress it right at the moment in a sweet way. she still is approaching you arguing , let her know that you seek peace in this point of your life and if she needs to give you that for the sake of your baby.
i really hope that you and your mom find a common ground, so baby could get spoiled by grandma:)
She responded back to my last message. She said multiple things, and I'll post the message later, but I think the things that stick out the most are her refferring to my "illness" and "disorder". My mom has convinced herself I'm Bipolar. I was actually diagnosed Bipolar when I was 9, because instead of questioning me, and observing me, the doctor interviewed my mom, an adult that could easily manipulate the system. They put me on meds, the whole nine. And, the whole time I was on those meds, I was depressed and zombie like. When I had enough of that feeling, I took myself off the meds. Today, I have NO signs/symptoms of Bipolar, and my therapist seems to think my mom may be the one with some kind of mental disorder. But, according to my mom in the last message she sent, my "illness" clouds my judgement, and causes me to take things the wrong way (I think she said in a negative way, but you get the point). Even if I were Bipolar, that isn't one of the symptoms/side-effects of the disorder. And, I mean, sheesh, her saying stuff like THAT, it really, really hurts!
It's obvious I'm not going to get anywhere by trying to communicate with her. She has her mind set that she's done no wrong here, and I'll never make her see the wrong in that. I simply can't waste my time trying to do it anymore. If she wants to be a part of her grandbaby's life, she's more than welcome. She can call and make arrangements to come visit, and once the baby's a little older, she can have her on set weekends, or something, but it's obvious as far as my mom and I go, a relationship just isn't possible. I just have to accept I can't "fix" this, and move on.
Don't let her hurt you further, not even your blood has right to bring you down. Don't be sad thou, cheer up. You will be a great mother to your baby. Keep her at good distance. I read about your diffuculties with being a young mom and all the other details. Age , experience or any other thing doesn't make us a good mom. Only thing baby and any child needs is love.You are very strong girl and don't get discoureged by anyone talking negative and telling you what you can or you can't do. Just have faith:)
I decided to tell my mom that she can have a relationship with the baby, but I'd rather us keep our distance. That seems to be the ONLY thing we can agree on, but it is what it is, ya know? I'm just ready to move on with my life now, and surround myself with more positive, encouraging people.
By the way, you give AWESOME advice, and I REALLY appreciate it!!