So depressed.

bigtalkingtori

I want to just be alone. I wish I wasn't pregnant cus I just don't want to be alive anymore. This life just keeps getting worse and worse and it doesn't feel like anything will make it better.

Being really vague but over the past few weeks when I've taken the time to go into detail about how and why I am so miserable, it doesn't post. It just makes me even more upset.

What really makes me more upset is the thought of me wishing I wasn't pregnant. But I feel like I'm tethered to everything that makes me unhappy because of it.

garagebandfan

That's the crappy thing about depression, its a vicious cycle...you are to sad to do the things you enjoy, then you get sad because you don't do anything...

If it makes you feel better, your not alone... find someone to talk to, if your like me and have no one to talk to write...or talk to me!

bigtalkingtori

Thanks. It's becoming unbearable. DF doesn't understand. Sometimes he even makes it worse. And that feels like the whole world crumbling apart since I have no one else.

I've dealt with depression for most of my life but in the last couple of years, I've been getting angry too. Anger from just being frustrated at being misunderstood, or when my DF listen to me when I'm trying to get him to understand how I'm feeling, or when he doesn't listen when I just want him to go away and be upset by myself. But when I lay here crying in bed late at night (the first time since I've slept on the couch almost the whole week, just wanting my own space), I sometimes just wish he'd pry me open and get it out of me, and UNDERSTAND and make it better and put things right.

@garagebandfan, I've been trying to keep up with your story but it's been hard lately. How are things going now with you and baby??

garagebandfan

@bigtalkingtori I know how you feel with the man! When my husband and I got married we wrote our own vowes and one of them was 'i promise to be there when you need someone to listen and give you your space when you need it' we had a conversation once about what to do when the other person gets mad, he wants me to follow him and talk it out..I want to be left alone and ill come talk when im ready...having that conversation has helped stop many fights in their tracks.. men aren't very bright, sometimes we need to smack them over the head and tell them what we need... just know your not alone!

And im pretty sure this baby will be born soon....I have tons of labor symptoms which sure is scary!

bigtalkingtori

Thank you. I feel like I have tried to have so many "productive" conversations with him but he just forgets and nothing is ever solved.

I can only imagine how scary. I know you aren't too much further along than I am. =/

natashalynn

Hey love. I've been battling depression since I was 14 (I'm now 21) and I was depressed during most of my pregnancy and I too had thoughts of regret. I've also had depression post partum. So I absolutely understand how you feel. For me, talking helped. I talked to several people in my life. It was hard to, cause saying 'I don't want my kid' is taboo, for lack of better term. But getting those dark thoughts out helped, it made me feel less alone. If there's no one in your life to talk to, feel free to talk to me, I'll give you my email if you'd like it. Or seek a professional. There's no shame in saying I need help, I need a friend.

My thoughts are with you.

bigtalkingtori

Thank you. It means a lot that you can relate. I'm also 21, and I've been having issues with it since I was a kid, but I think the first time I noticed it was when I was 8 or 9. It just feels like it keeps getting worse as I get older. I've gone into phases of it. So I could be fine for a few months, then it'll come back for much longer.

I don't really have any friends to talk to about it, and my few family members don't seem to understand it, as much as they say they do. I feel so self destructive when I have a panic attack now. It just feels so much more different and I've been having a hard time coping with it.

I do want help, but it always feels like no one can. Even if I feel better for a little while, it just starts all over again. =/

@natashalynn

natashalynn

Sorry for the late reply hun. I totally understand the phases thing. I'll be good for a few months, and then just hit rock bottom for a few weeks. I wish I had a solid solution for it. I think just being concious of my patterns so that I can ask for help when I'm in the rough patches, though sometimes I don't realize what's going on for a week, which sucks. The older I get, the good times seem to go on for longer, and the bad times seem to be shorter.

Its a hard thing to understand unless you've experienced it. I'm fairly lucky, since my boyfriend has struggled with depression previously, so he understands to a degree when I'm not doing so hot.

Being pregnant and depressed is terrible. The hormone imblanace can really wreck your sense of reality. Have you tried keeping a journal? I've kept one for years, and its a nice place to vent all of your bad feelings and gives you a place to write things that are good to be able to read when your feeling low, and lets you keep an eye on your pattern of good vs bad.

Hang in there hun, theres light at the end of the tunnel, and even if things only get better for a little while, but the good times are worth it, i promise.