Benjamin's Post Mortem Results..
So, in 10 hours Andy and I are supposed to be receiving Benji's Post Mortem results.
I've spent the last 10 weeks and 3 days wondering what caused our beautiful baby boy to be born sleeping. Yet now it's 10 hours away I almost feel I could keep waiting. There are so many "what if's" in my mind.. The biggest "what if" is what if we can't have another baby?
I don't know if I'm strong enough right now for more bad news. I'm so confused right now, an emotional mess on the edge of a breakdown. Aaaargh!
I've spent the last 10 weeks and 3 days wondering what caused our beautiful baby boy to be born sleeping. Yet now it's 10 hours away I almost feel I could keep waiting. There are so many "what if's" in my mind.. The biggest "what if" is what if we can't have another baby?
I don't know if I'm strong enough right now for more bad news. I'm so confused right now, an emotional mess on the edge of a breakdown. Aaaargh!
Comments
I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
Thank you all.
So, we've got the results.
Benjamin DID only have 1 kidney, it WAS polycystic AND non-functioning. The issue with the kidney DID cause the immature bladder AND lack of fluid. The lack of fluid WOULD have caused Benjamin to die before 30+ weeks due to his vital organs being compressed. Also the lack of fluid meant his lungs WOULD NOT have functioned outside of me. Benjamin WOULD have died if born after age of viabilty.
The reason: I got pregnant sooner than planned and my diabetes wasn't under control, as I was still awaiting a start date for my insulin regime. Although my diabetes was under control by insulin at the end of February, the damage had already been done.
Another issue was drs prescribed me 0.5mg of folic acid rather than the 5mg they should have been. Either factor on their own may have caused defects, however both together caused a fatal abnormality.
The outcome then is that we made the RIGHT decision.
@Oregonmama thank you for every bit of help and support you have given me, I'm not sure how I would've coped without being able to talk to you. You are a strong mama and I am so truely thankful.
@Landynplus1momma @HisMom20 @Bigmamak @whozdher @ash1la @SalasMommy Thank you so much mama's I really appreciate all the support you have all given us the last 10 weeks. It seems like a lot longer than that to be honest, but I am eternally greatful to everyone on here who has commented, supported or even silently followed the discussions & prayed for us.
some of my list:
ride in the car with a meaningful song playing loudly and the windows rolled down while ur driving along so u can feel the wind in your hair
lay in the grass under a tree and let the sun kiss you. look up.
take a walk/run all by yourself in a beautiful place and just allow your own thoughts entertain you
buy something little, that has meaning to you
find something that encourages you...