Mom's with older children please help! (long)

Mom2McKenna

My boyfriend recently got custody of his 5 year old daughter the beginning of September, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us..I'm a ftm with a 4 month old so I'm busy...well here is the problem...she cries and throws fit EVERYDAY, she cries anytime she is told no, she cries every time she is told to pick up a mess she made, she cries over every little thing..but she knows if she cries my bf will feel bad n she wont have to do it (which I'm working on breaking him of this) but with me I don't feel bad if I ask her to do something and she throws a fit, I don't believe in giving children everything they want and I don't think he should give her what she wants when she throws her fits that just shows her its ok to act like that.. he makes excuses that she has had a hard life which she has (her mom got her taken away and she was placed with my bfs parents for a year then placed with us) but its still not ok to give a child their way all the time! My bf asked his daughter if she likes me and she said no because I'm mean, ok whatever..for the record I'm not mean I just don't give into her like everyone else does.. so we started this sticker thing where if she is good for us she gets a sticker before bed and if she gets stickers everyday for a week she will get something. (Coloring book or something like that) trying to praise good behavior..what are some other things we can do to get her to be good for us? Any ideas are appreciated!

mszcastillo

Im in the same boat as you. Although I don't have any suggestions, I really hope things get better for you, I know how hard it is. It's very tiring having to be the "bad guy" but knowing its for the best in the long run.

blessedbe_x3

I'm sure a lot of her problem is having no discipline before now. And some of it is just her age. But you are doing the right thing. Reward good behavor is great. But when she throws her fits kind of ingore her. She's wanting attention wether it be good or bad she wants it. Stick to your guns, and before you know it shell be acting better!

Mylittleman2011

I have a 5 year old and she went thru that exact same thing at like 3. Believe me your not being mean by sticking your grounds and making her do things. She cries let her but make her still do whatever it is you asked her to do. You keep this up for I think my pediatrician said one week and her behavior will change. Lol my daughter tells me I am the meanest mommy ever I say yup now get to it. Dont let her guilt trips get to you like they have everyone else. She needs to know her limits and sounds like everyone else just gave in. She will respect you more for not giving in she may not realize it right away but she will. Every child needs limits. Good job on the reward system that works really well. You might also try letting her see the prize like a barbie so she knows what she is working towards. Good luck keep on your hubby very important you two work together Definately when she listens to your words at first over exaggerate her actions and how good they were. That smile she will give to know she did right is awesome. Stay strong momma your doing great!!!!

Mom2McKenna

@mszcastillo Yeah it is, and sometimes my bf will act like I'm the bad guy so then I say well then you deal with it I'm done do whatever you want then he gets mad and says well she is your daughter now too I just don't know what to do anymore I'm exhausted! Between taking care of my baby, taking care of the house work, and everything I'm completely exhausted mentally n physically I feel like I don't get to enjoy being with my baby because I'm having to deal with a 5 year old who cries more then my 4 month old!

nmartinez79

I think your reward system is a great idea. I think her being emotionally unstable makes things hard but your bf needs to understand that rules,consistency, and boundaries will actually make her feel more secure and stable. He can have her pick up her toys and listen in a loving way. Its called being a parent. Maybe he's parenting out of guilt? Maybe he blames himself for everything his daughter has gone through.

nmartinez79

Try to stick together so u guys aren't at odds. That will just be more stressful let your bf know u feel the same when it comes to your child when she's older so he wont feel like you're playing favorites. Maybe if she knows that she has to be a good big sis and set an example for her baby sis, might make her feel cool and special??

lae3

my kids have never been big fit throwers for long.. cause i believe if you give in.. or even give attention negative or pos they will continue the behavior.. i always put my kids in there room or a desiganted area.. and say i understand your frustrated but im not going to talk to you if you want to throw fits and leave them to continue there fit.. of course it wont work if hubbys not on board.. that way she learns propper comunication and when shes calmed down then you two can talk.. but dont give in.. its always good to pic your battles too.. mabey when her fits subside and they will if you use that method.. then you can get her on a schedual since you do most of the caring for her i assume.. and have time to play dolls just you and her.. or whatever she likes to do.. oh yeah.. my kids have said i was mean too.. so dont feel bad about that.. your a parent not a friend.. but i think if she had your attention.. for play everyday.. it might help her to trust you.. and her husband cause she probably is acting out from the situation.. but she should not be allowed to run your house .. its not good for anyone .. especially her.. a heart to heart with hubby when the kids are in bed .. about being on the same page.. is a must so he doesnt come home and ruin a days worth of work.. good luck.. parenting is something that parents have to come together on.. it took years for my hubby and i to be on the same page .. but he seen my methods work and hes on board.. but we still have to have talks about appropriate punishments and such..

Mom2McKenna

Thanks ladies its just so hard for me because I'm a new mom to a baby n now a 5 year old I have never had to deal with a five year old

mszcastillo

It will get better with time. when my fiance & i first got together his BM was pissed and completely cut off all visitation with his son for months. once she finally realized i wasn't going anywhere and let him see his son again my fiance felt guilty disciplining him (&she didn't do very well with discipline either). im sure thats the same thing your bf is going through. try to sit down and talk with him because you both need to be on the same page. if you discipline her one way and he doesn't discipline at all you guys aren't going to get anywhere. lay down some rules (like picking up her toys after shes done, with consequences if she doesn't) and a schedule for her if you haven't already. you will notice a difference.

mrs_shu

I promise you as soon as your hubby gets on the same page as you and stops caving in, you'll see drastic improvement! Its hard on dads because they suffer from daddy guilt- not living with the mom anymore, being a weekend dad, feeling bad for what the kids have to go thru..etc.
You're on the right track though! Its a hard and long one but there's light at the end

When my oldest step daughter would have those crying shrieking fits I would pick her up, put her on her bed ans say calmly you can cry in here.when you're done you can come out. My husband ALMOST flipped at my "balls" but ya know what FOUR seconds after I closed the door she was quiet!!! That didn't magically fix everything but it sure was a start