Having relationship problems...

artistmamma

Okay, so my baby's father & I have been together 10 months, & LONG before I got preggers, I warned him I was high-risk. I warned him pregnancy was gonna be rough, risky, & there would be a LOT I couldn't do. He was all for it, saying I could always count on him. Which I could, at first. Now, he works a physically laborious job as an underground miner, & he's changed for the worst since he started. He's never been violent, but he does have a HORRIBLE temper & will cut me into ribbons with his words when we're fighting. He has been doing absolutely nothing after work for the past 2 months & nothing on his one day a week off. I know it sucks & I WISH I could do more to help, but I'm no longer even allowed to sweep my rug. So a lot has to fall on him for now, like it or not. I see my house getting dirtier, snow that's never shoveled to the point where I can't have anyone visit cause they can't get in my driveway without a 4x4, & he won't change the cat pan until the smell literally makes me vomit. He doesn't even take the garbage out but once a month, & lets it pile on the front porch. (I'm not allowed to lift over 20 lbs. or I would just do it myself.) Now, he's had my car for almost a week cause his broke down & I ask him everyday to get it fixed & he does nothing towards even trying. I've had to miss two appointments cause I couldn't get a ride & he has my wheels. I'm 5.5 months pregnant, laid off from my job due to lack of work & on UC. If I could pay my bills on what I make, I would honestly ask him for a trial separation. Nothing I say gets through to him and he's in a rotten, piss-poor mood 70% of the time. He has even hurt & offended friends & family of mine who were visiting me. I'm 31 & he's 38, so you would think he could behave like a mature adult & get done what needs done & not take his anger out on those who love him. I feel SO lost & hopeless, ladies!

marriedwith_4

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe u can go stay with a SIS, or mom for a while n tell him the doc said u need someone around to help u 24/7 cuz he don't want u out of bed just to get s break. Men can b real A-holes n not sensitive to our feelings. Hopefully its a nervous faze he's goin thru n will get better if not it doesn't sound like it will b healthy for u & baby ........ Good luck

Tami101711

This may not be helpful, but it sounds like he's going through a lot too. Besides us, whose bodies r changing and hormones are raging, he's probably under a lot of stress now that he knows he has a family to support. He might be working harder at work than he ever has, and he is an older father, so all of that work n stress can take a toll. None the less, the arguing and fighting is not healthy for the baby or you I agree... though fightin is inevitable in a relationship, maybe you two can consider some type of counciling. Even if its not a professional, but a friend of each of yours that you both value, if they are willing. I know being pregnant a lot is happening to us, and unfortunately we expect our significant others to be there one hundred percent at every beck n call. But against contrary beliefe... it slips their minds sometimes, because something so important to us, such as taking the damn trash out, is so pety to them. Especially when he is under tremendous stress in the first place. If talking or couciling doesn't work, spend a few nights with family, he will realise eventually that you won't take it, and that he is capable of pushing you and the baby away for good. Good luck...

ljubavi

I was having the same problem with my husband for the past three days, and yesterd ay I couldn't stand it so I started packing my stuff and pretending I'm done, and he just broke down and beg me to stay, and he told me that he was working to much but he will change, today I called my OB and explained to him the situation and he told me he will talk to my husband to scare him a little bit we have an appointment tomorrow. I hope you can fix your situation somehow, its difficult I just want to cry and yell all the time

ljubavi

I was having the same problem with my husband for the past three days, and yesterd ay I couldn't stand it so I started packing my stuff and pretending I'm done, and he just broke down and beg me to stay, and he told me that he was working to much but he will change, today I called my OB and explained to him the situation and he told me he will talk to my husband to scare him a little bit we have an appointment tomorrow. I hope you can fix your situation somehow, its difficult I just want to cry and yell all the time

artistmamma

@marriedwith_3: I love that idea, & I have on OB appointment March 8th, so if he has his car fixed & I have mine back by then, or if I can catch a ride & make the appointment, I may just do what you suggested & spend time away at my mom's. THANK YOU for listening!

@tami101711: No, you were definitely helpful, & you're right, he IS under a ton of stress & pressure right now. I always tell him I'm here for him & do whatever I can to make his life easier, including cooking, dishes, letting him use my car like this, & putting every penny of my UC money into bills so that hardly any of his paycheck is used. I haven't even bought one single item for my baby cause I'm always broke. He has a 12 year old son to his ex-wife & she had a 3 year old daughter when they met, who he raised as his own, also. This will be his third child, second to biologically be his, & my first. I do not want a split family, so if I could just get him to believe counseling is worthwhile (he thinks all therapists are quacks), I would ask him to go before just ending it. His biggest problem, hands down, is that the minute you try to bring up something he's doing wrong or something that's upsetting you, he gets REALLY angry, defensive, stops listening, & starts saying horrible things. I've never liked being demeaned by someone who's supposed to love me, or being told I'm stupid or have no right to speak on any given subject because I'm 31 and he's older - so therefore, knows better. I told him last night, "I already had a father growing up, you're not THAT much older than me, & I'm looking for you to be a father to our baby - not to me."
I may be younger, but I own the house we live in & have been paying the mortgage since I was 24, I took care of him & his son financially this summer when he got laid off first & needed the help. I ran my own, successful home business from the time I was 21 until I was 28, when my ex-hobby left me for my best friend. Then I went out & quickly found a full-time job (lucky, too), cut my biz to part-time, & did both to support myself. I could see the attitude even a little more understandably if I were the one who lost my apartment & he took me into his home & financially drained himself to take care of me! Ugh!
Anyway, I'm ranting. Sorry! But thank you SO much for listening. It really helps to vent & get advice from other women. HUGS!

artistmamma

@ljubavi: Thank you SO much for sharing your story. I hope & pray yours straightens up, too, so we can both have some peace at home. It helps tremendously to hear other women vent & know you are not alone. I don't want the stress of fighting, because my #1 concern above all is my baby. I've lost two in the past & am high-risk, on a super, ridiculous light duty regimen by my OB to avoid me spending my last few months of pregnancy on total bed rest. I keep telling my man, "It's hard & extra stressful right now, but this is not going to last forever. I won't always be pregnant, & after, things will begin to improve. Can you PLEASE just hang in there & be there for me until this time has passed?" Is that too much of us to ask from the men we love?
Ugh...
Wishing you the best, sweet pea! Hang in there!

vette_devil

I don't want to sound crazy here, but is there a possiblity he could be vitamin deficient from working 6 days a week in a mine?... my husband was terrible with our first & I nearly left him... we discovered he has Celiac disease on TOP of the Chrons disease he already had... he was severely deficient on Iron & Vit D (thinking of ur man here... no sun exposure)... he acted EXACTLY how you describe your man is- even to the point of redusing to hold our week-old baby so I could use the bathroom because I "took too long"... he was exhausted ALL the time, even though he never got up to help me with the baby & worked only about 30hrs a week... I was at my wits' end & just thought he didn't care!
Long story short, after getting him proper medical care, he is a different man... and I am very hopeful that this baby will be a whole new experience. I'm not sure how to broach the subject, but maybe you could at least suggest a simple blood test to see if that's why he's tired all the time... let me tell you, just like us preggos... hearing it's for medical reasons changes everything. Good luck!

silverfairy

This must be a really hard time for both of you is it possible to pay someone to come do the house work once a week so that pressure is taken of him. Also you might want to get a sun light if he is underground so often he needs to get that light somehow. You may want to talk about the money its all well and good you paying the bills but you will need money for the baby and since you live together its both your responsibility as is stuff for the baby.

artistmamma

@vette_devil: I will definitely keep that in mind, as he's underground at least 9 hours a day, six days a week. He did start Mega Men's Multi-Vitamins from GNC about a week ago, but as of now, he's still a "temp" at the mine he works for. So he's earning $5 an hour less than Amfire's lowest paid employees & doesn't have health insurance until he gets direct hired. But as soon as he does, I'll suggest that this issue is looked into. Thank you, sweetie!!

artistmamma

@tammy: I will talk to him about the money stuff; I'm just so used to paying my own way in this world for so long without help. Plus, his ex wallops him for child support on his 12 year old son & I feel bad for how little money he's actually trying to live on, too. Once he's no longer a temp, the financial situation should improve a bit. It's tough cause he only sees his boy every other weekend, & he's so devoted to him & loves him very much. I won't go as far as to say his ex is a "bad" mother, but she's more concerned about being single & serial dating, so she puts their boy in front of his video games to keep him occupied while she's out all night. The poor kid has missed so much school this year that their threatening his ex with truancy fines and his boy may be forced to repeat the 6th grade. It's frustrating to watch, so I can only imagine the pain he feels as a father. We both have so much stress & frustration in our lives right now, & I think we need to come together & communicate better. I do love him, & all the support & advice from you wonderful ladies has helped me put things into a better perspective. I love you all and thank you SO much!

Tami101711

Damn, a lot of accomplishments, all of that changes everything. Maybe he's just comfortable with his life, and has the your not going anywhere attitude. My man had that for a while gtill I made it clear, no matter how much I love you, you are expendable. I can replace you, there are people out there that will treat me the way I want and would love doing so. His attitude changed but it took me leaving for 2 weeks to prove that I don't need a man. I know that sounds harsh... but run to them they run away.. run away, theyl follow.

Tami101711

I mean I don't have a phd in psychology but in my experience if u let them know u runnin ur life, n u don't need them here, there's plenty other ppl hu wud love to b there for u, n u let them kno u won't get walked on... they will do one of two things, leave or straighten up. They leave, then they rnt worth it ne way