i just dont know where to turn... advice needed please

jamieeex

where to even start with my wall of text.. ill try to start from the beginning...

my boyfriend is an extremely ambitious person, hes a great salesman a great talker and great conversationalist.
him and i have been together for 3 years and have a 3 month year old son. he was previously married and a real estate broker and we all know what happened in real estate -- he between old marital debt and that he is about 2 million dollars in credit debt.

he started a new business almost 3 years ago and its growing like crazy! he's bringing home a fantastic income that seems to get better every month...
so youre asking whats the problem then, right?

he works 7 days a week. all day. from 8am to midnight, all day every day. i work a full time job monday through friday.. and he has his kids here every other weekend.
this weekend, we didnt have the kids.
so im so excited to be able to spend time with him this weekend after a long 2 weeks, and he makes plans. saturday hes at his business all day and today - hes making a business presentation at a friends of his, and no, he didnt invite me - well, kind of said it didnt matter to him whether i went or not - so naturally, i didnt feel welcome and didnt go.

we had a talk about this last night and communication is SO bad between us. he hates when i cry and pushes away so in order to communicate effectively i have to do my best not to cry.
so i tell him how im feeling, that i believe he works too much and that he should designate some time weekly to spend time with me, like the weekends we have together.
he goes on a rant about how he wants to be able to have all these nice things, wants to get his kids from his ex wife..
and says dont you want to get married someday and afford a nice wedding? well i have to be able to file bk before we can do that.
he pretty much states my point back to me -- "i can see where youre coming from, my business and the kids take priority over you and i dont designate time for you?" i start crying - all he can really provide is an "im sorry"

I feel so lost, I have built my life around him and my son and work is always left at work for me, i dont bring it home. and its not like i can just go out with my friends once a week because i feel guilty that he has the baby alllllll day.

when is enough enough? when do you just agree to disagree? how do you get someone to just care a little more? i know those sound like stupid questions but thats where im at....


any advice is appreciated.
on a better note... i took the cutest picture of my son...
http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/405429_3126156107280_1065968119_3159545_292244539_n.jpg

jamieeex

theres so much back story, so feel free to ask questions...

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LilSugarsMomma

Maybe give him that ultimatum. Better yet, maybe you should leave for a bit and see if that slaps him in the face. To me, material things will come and go, so they're not important and it sounds like that's what he cares about the most. That's too bad, you sound like a great person and deserve someone who can devote time to you!

jamieeex

@jdensma - i guess thats my point. you can call me unambitious -- but i told him id rather be comfortable and happy than rich and unhappy. sounds clique but its true. all our bills are always paid on time, we dont live paycheck to paycheck. we can afford to do nice things but if you never have time to do them, and a poor relationship -- whats the use?

jamieeex

@lilsugarsmomma - love your name. i call my little one little sugar ALL THE TIME. i appreciate your kind words, thank you. and i agree with you. just concerned about my son since he is the one whos with him during the day while im at work, if i leave on a weekend when i dont work, its either -- i dont want to spend time with his kids, or the next battle would be on the weekends we dont have them," i just left to be with my friends, at least when hes away from me its business."

jamieeex

he talks a lot about love languages -- mine is time and physical and his is providing. but im not sure how to get on the same page.

jamieeex

@cupcake22 -- lol. he had 7 properties in his name, and when renters dont pay... he had 33k a month in bills.

jamieeex

@lilsugarsmomma, also -- this may sounds a bit petty but theres NO commitment, we can talk about it however long we'd like -- but if i do stick it out, through thick and thin, right? through working 7 days a week, whos to say we will get married?

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second_time_mommy7

I'm in a very similar situation minus the debt and owning his own business. I have been hearing it'll get better for years. It never does. From my experience you learn to live with it or get out. I choose to learn to deal with it. My husband even accepted another job with another company "so things would be better" 1 yr later still waiting... I think we are going to start counciling (sp) soon hopefully it'll help. My theory is if they hear it from someone else its not just us nagging them. Maybe you should look into it or ask if he would be willing to try.

second_time_mommy7

P.s. I would bring it up as wanting an unbiased opinion. And if he asks if you really think its that bad (like my hubby did) just tell him it may not be now but if "we" keep letting it go and both settling it will be.

My2Boys

My main question is why is he divorced?was it his ex not liking him working too much? Was he not devoted then? Bc if he didn't want to take time to make a marriage work then he is not going to make it work with the gf. If his divorce has nothing to do with that then I would atleast wait it out a little bit longer.

Math_Mommy

It seems like he is the more analytical/intellect-dominant type (where as you are more creative/emotion-dominent type...sorry if I'm making assumptions, but my bf/bd and I are in a simmilar situation, only with gender reversed roles...). As the analytical & business-oriented one, what I need my partner to do is explicitly state his needs ('cuz I'd never be able to interpret them otherwise). So, don't feel guilty for saying "i need you to carve out this (couple hours, day, weekend...whatever) chunk of time to spend with me. You both have the rest of your lives to pay debts/save for retirement...

jamieeex

@second_time_mommy7 - i feel it'll never change, not because he doesnt want to. but just because of who he is. hes married to his business. he has suggested marriage counseling himself before we get married - but has made no initiative or even time to do it. even if i looked into it - we dont have even one night a week we dont have commitments.

jamieeex

@my2boys - kind of. its a big sticky situation - he worked at a company loooong hours -- she cheated on him, blamed it on him working 14 hours a day - everyday. and so he quit and opened a mortgage brokerage with her as the real estate agent so they could spend more time together .. when it all hit the fan in real estate, and there was no more money - she asked for a divorce.

jamieeex

math_mommy - i wish i could effectively communicate to him, he becomes extremely defensive.

Math_Mommy

Btw, just looked @ the pic, and OMG those eyes!!! Your bf/bd should consider himself lucky that you even WANT to see him/spend time with him (with that beautiful little man around, any other woman would be WAY too distracted )

whozdher

Maybe you two might not always be on the same page, that's ok most people aren't. Maybe you should go to counseling on your own and pick up ways to comunicate better with him without crying that's what I do, my hunny has ptsd from the marine corps. So I set aside time to go and talk about ways to handle him and how to talk better without crying and yelling. Maybe if you make a point in going first he will be willing to join you later. My hunny is now going to the V.A. to get help and it took time a few months for him too see I wanted better for us. So maybe you can try that. You guys have been together through a lot and just some where got off track just its gonna take time but start with you first and if he loves and wants better for all of you he will follow. Sport its sooo long

Math_Mommy

Yeah, I have a nasty habit of getting defensive whenever my bf/bd wants to talk relationship issues; I feel like he's being critical. Then, I automatically go in to emotional-lockdown/avoidance mode. What I think works is to approach him in the most business-like way (stating facts and your feelings w/o being accusitory or diminishing. My bf/bd seems to think the "plant-the-seed" approach works best with me. Whereby; he states an issue he's having in plain, unaccusitory language. Then he shuts up about it for a few days and waits for me to approach the topic...if I don't respond, he tries again and waits for my response (lol, just looking at the differences in our responses, it would appear that I should be the LAST person dispensing relationship advice...but despite our differences, we work pretty well!!!)

lucyloo288

If ya'lls "lobe languages" aren't the same, try reading "the seven languages of love" (or something like that, can't remember the exact title) by Dave ramsey. It will help you cope with the differences and find ways to bridge the gap there.

On the counselling note- my husband and I started couples counselling before we got married. It's helped us together, but sometimes I go by myself. Maybe start going by yourself, the counselor can help you be able to help ya'll, then later, if he see a difference in you and wants to go, then it'll he even better.

second_time_mommy7

If he has suggested it and would be ok with it, ask him what day he would be available and schedule the appointment. I would let him tell me when he is available and schedule it around him. If he cannot leave someone else in charge for an hour I'd say he doesn't want to change anything and it will probably stay that way.