serious help needed

a_wagner

I've recently got back with my husband to try and work out our marriage but all we do is constantly fight. He's always saying things tht piss me off and I feel like i have to constantly repeat myself but I suggest counseling and he says we don't need someone to tell us what we already know...has anyone else gone through this and have anything that would help? I really need it. :-(

RedShadoe0

Tell him counselers aren't there to FIX things for.you... They're there to help you communicate without fighting and get to the root.of problems instead of allowing a discussion and hurt feelings evolve into a fight. Like a mediator...

a_wagner

Well I told him we needed to go so they could help us solve these problems and maybe prevent them but he still said the same thing. @redshadoe0

RedShadoe0

Does he not want to TRY even? Bc.it sounds like without it, Yall aren't gonna make it maybe he's afraid a counseler will say things are his fault???

EricaK22

Make an appointment with a counselor anyway, and take him.

Fate

Communication. Patience. You both sound like you need it. If there isn't effort from both people, the marriage is going fail. You either dig deep, or give up. Fighting doesn't ever solve problems. It just gives you both something to complain to each other about. "But we always fight", "We just can't get along". Stop talking, and start REALLY communicating with each other. Sit down, get an object, flip a coin to see who goes first, whoever has the object is the only one who should be vocalizing. Set a timer for 3 minutes, say what's on your mind. Switch. No yelling, no attacks! No interrupting. Listen to eachother. Address your issues. Don't say things like "Well if you did this or that!!!!". Work together. Together. Say things like, "I could use your help dealing with...(stress1, stress2, stress3, etc)". Pay attention to what he says. Don't get side-tracked. Respect each other. Take a break from communicating if you need to. The first time is always the hardest, but the first time lifts loads off of your heart and shoulders.

a_wagner

Idk but I'm about to make an ultimatum. Either he goes or that's it. I'm trying to do everything possible cause we already split once so I'm trying to exhaust all possibilities before we go through that again. @redshadoe0

a_wagner

@fate it just creates a bigger fight cause all he says is no i didnt and that makes me mad and he says idk why your mad. Thats why i want professional help. The bad part is he really doesnt know why im mad.

Fate

He may really not understand. Men's emotions are far more complicated than our own. If you're the only one getting mad when communicating, he's not understanding exactly what you're trying to solve. Lay his issues out for him, in a non-attacking way. There shouldn't be any anger at all in true communication. If there is, you're not doing it correctly. It's more than just talking. It's understanding, eye contact, and laying your own issues out. It takes time. Marital problems are not fixed overnight. Marriage is hard work. Understand each other. If you don't understand why he does the things he does, and he can't explain it, just dig deeper. Ask questions. He's asking why you're mad, what do you tell him? "Because it honestly bothers me that you don't account for my feelings when you do that."