Would you go?

kimalee2288

I'm 24yo and I've never met my father, at least not that I remember. I know who he is and I keep in contact with parts of his family, my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. When my mom was pregnant with me she found out that he was doing heroin. She left him and never looked back. I've spoken to him a few times and we have written letters. Although that ended pretty quickly because at 16 when he finally got clean I was angry and bitter and he didn't like what I had to say. At that point he was off drugs and had "found god" ( not bashing, I totally believe in the lord but I do not want to preached to). Anyway, getting off topic. The thing is my aunt, his sister passed away this week they are having a service for her on Sunday and I'm not sure I want to go. This is one aunt I've never really met nor her children. But it is still family and i would like to pay my respects. I'm worried that he's going to be there though. I mean it is his sister and I would expect him to show up but I'm not sure if I want our first meeting to be in a situation like this. My hubby is really pushing me to go. He says I should be there to support the family I do talk to, but I just don't know. I feel like meeting him is either going to really upset me or really piss me off and a funeral is not the place to deal with that hurt and anger of not having him around. I've accepted the fact that he wasn't there and why and that he believes it was best for me to stay away, but it still hurts knowing he missed out on so much.

I'm just concerned that seeing him for the first time is going to stir up a lot of emotions. So, would you go and support the rest of your family or just avoid it and pay your respects at home?

1stWoodsBaby

could you go to visitation at the funeral home and skip the funeral?

My2Boys

I would talk to other family members about it, maybe one of your other aunts that you keep in contact with. I would ask her if she thinks it is a good idea. That way they know you care and are concerned for your family, but at the same time worried about what might happen. I'm sure they understand, or you could send flowers to the funeral home so they know you are thinking about them all.

Mijita

What a hard situation! I think you have to dig deep in your heart for the answer. I know you have a lot of resentment towards him, but remember he was an addict, one so bad that took him 16 years to overcome. Drugs do horrible things to people and it became his life. I don't think he meant to hurt you and will probably always regret his choices in life. You are fortunate to have a father, as the drugs could have taken it. I say if you decide to attend that you put your feelings of resentment on the backburner. Your father is probably already suffering enough and a funeral is not the place to hash out problems that pertain to you and him.

Sorry for your losses. I hope you find peace sooner than later. Good luck with your decision.

starrxoxo9

Don't feel bad if you decide not to go. I don't quote the bible often but "let the dead bury the dead".

YNVTish

Absolutely go... You're grown now so release on old feelings and start working on forgiving. Sounds like your dad had a lot of OTHER STUFF that distracted him.

The old saying is.. if you new better you would do better.

In order for YOU to get on with your life and live it to the fullest you need to release on thr negative things and this is one.

Go to the funeral, show your respects, and even speak to your dad. Maybe be has found the Lord and is a new person.

Dont do it for him.. do it for yourself @kimalee2288

kimalee2288

@1stwoodsbaby I've thought about that but I'm not sure which one he will be at or both and I don't think I would be able to avoid him.

@my2boys I'm going to talk to my aunt tonight about it and see what she thinks. She's not his biggest fan so it could go either way, lol. I've talked my mom about it and she thinks I shouldn't go but I think that's just her way of trying to protect me.

@mijita that's good advice but trust me I've fought that war for along time within myself. I know it's best he wasn't there now that I have children but on the other hand being a parent now makes me think, there's no way I could ever be away from them. I know addiction is an overtaking force and its hard to fight and I'm thankful he's still here. Trust me I would love to meet him and know where I came from and have him meet his grandchildren but I don't know if this is a place for a first meeting in front of people that are already grieving. I don't want to be standing in front of everyone bawling or get so mad I need to leave. Even putting my feelings aside, he may not. I don't really know how he's going to react. I invited him to my high school graduation and he says he was there but no one ever saw him and you would think he if drove the whole way there he would take a minute to say hi. So maybe he won't even show up to this either.

angel26

This is my opinion. And I kinda see where your coming from because my dad was also not realy in my life. I never got to meet my dad. I guess the last time I seen him I was a 6 month old baby. This is kinda my story lol. My mom left my dad when I was a baby. Not sure why. Well we never really spoke about him when I was younger. It was the spring before I turned 15. I was living with my grandma at the time. And I answered the phone. I think it was right after easter. I know, who cares lol. Anyways. I answered the phone and heard a male voice. He asked who was on the phone and at first I wouldnt say. But finally I did and he said he was my dad. Mind you, I was 14 and had never spoken or heard from him. I freaked out and hung up the phone. Lol. I ran to my grandma and told her what happened. He did call again and my grandma answered. I was totally freaking out. Lol. Well after my grandma spoke to him he wanted to talk to me. So I spoke to him. We spoke for over an hour. That was the most emotional call ive ever had. Lol. For my next birthday he sent me a birthday card with some pictures of him and $50. I had planned on writing back and thanking him. But I lost the address. So he got pissed off and didnt want to talk to me. Well after I graduated high school I went to live with my mom f(r the summer before school. He called and saif he was going to come see me. I thought I was going to meet my dad after 18 years. Well, that didnt happen. He said his car had broke down and couldnt make it. He live in ND and im in ut. I was so hurt. Well when I started having kids my mom called to tell him each time i did. Regardless of the attempt he said he didnt have kids. Me and my older brother are his only kids. I was going to wright him after I had my 2nd child. I even looked him up. I had written my letter, got pics of our family, had the emvolop (sp) and everything. When I found out he had died. This was a couple yrs ago. I have kept in touch with his ex wife. And ive spoke with his sister. But I still wish I could have meet him myself. I have gotten pictures. And been told about him. But its nothing compared to meeting him. Im sorry this was a novel lol. But if I were you I would go. Regardless of the situation. I know it will be akward. But at least you will get to say you got to meet him. And you will be able to make a decision on if you want to see him anymore. But thats just my opinion.

kimalee2288

@ynvtish I've come to understand why he did what he did and that he has changed. I've forgiven him as much as I can but I can't forget, that's why I'm afraid it will upset me. I'm not sure how he will come across about everything and I just don't want him to act like we've known each other forever. I guess I don't want him to put on an act since we're around family. That's what would really hurt me.

@angel26 I'm so sorry for your loss and your ending is exactly what I'm afraid of. I know I would have so much regret if he died and I never met him. I just can't see this is the way to first meet. But maybe this is God's way of making an opportunity for us to know each other.

angel26

That is very true. God creates oportunity.

MamaLove

Life is too short. You don't wanna live with the "what if" or "I should have"... I would go

emy

I would give.

kimalee2288

@angel @emy @mamalove @ynvtish @1stwoodsbaby @mijita @my2boys I think I'm going to go

Mijita

I think you are making a wise choice. Just refrain from making this about you and your dad. If he tries to play it up, kindly whisper in his ear that this is neither the time nor place, and if you can take a raincheck. I'm sure he'll be understanding. In all honesty I think he's going to be very uncomfortable and very unlikely to misbehave. Good luck, again I'm sorry for your loss.

emy

Yay. I hope it goes peacefully. I hope you go home like wow I'm so glad that I went lol. :-)

kimalee2288

@emy lol me too

@angel26 thank you so much for your story it sounds so much like mine. You really put things into a different perspective

Thanks everyone for your input and opinions. It really helped

angel26

I hope I helped. I didnt mea/ to write a novel. Also, my dad died from alcohol poisioning. So he was also addicted to something. I hope you do get the chanch to meet him.

1stWoodsBaby

I hope it all works out like you are hoping!