May Possibly end up a single mother. (this is a long one)

edited September 2012 in Relationships
ladies I apologize for the length of this I just needed to get it out.

Ok, Now you ladies who know my story know that my bf and I fight alot. I've complained about him numerous times. This time though ladies I'm thinking this might actually happen. Ok, so here is what happened. We went to sears so I could purchase my sons bed yesterday. After we purchased the bed he basically demanded that I come and stay with him and his family after the birth of our son (if you are slightly confused on the situation we don't live together) . He's been demanding this for months, I never really said anything for fear of a fight, I absolutely hate fighting & a couple of our arguments have put me in the emergency room w/ complications. I finally bucked up enough last night and told him no. When the baby is born I will take him home to my house. I told him that the baby needs to be in a sterile environment, & since the baby will be little I can't drag him out on the bus whenever he wants to see him. I don't have a car. You are probably wandering why I don't want to stay at his house w/ his family. Well, 1st off. . . It isn't my home. His house lacks the amenities that mine has. Like gas for example. How am I supposed to sterilize my son's bottles? Stick them in the microwave?! There is no heat. My son will be born in November. Space heaters are dangerous and the have like 5000 of those things running. No just no. 2nd. . . There are alot of people who come in and out of their home. There are 5 people who stay there 100% of the time, then he has a brother who comes in and out. A cousin who doesn't know where the hell his house is, and half of them smoke. No offense to the smokers on here. I cant do it. A little newborn baby cant be around that. Hell I cant even be around that. I just want to go home, I want to be comfortable after delivery, I want to be around everything that I need for this baby. I want my mom's help & guidance. Plus I want her to be around the baby. . Its her very first grandson. The other grandma this will be her fifth. . . My momma is excited about her little "Man Man" They always exclude my mother out and forget that she's a big part of my life.

Now to where the fight turned into unneeded drama.
He told his mother that I thought that her house was unstable, and unclean. basically flip flopped and reversed the whole Sterile conversation that we had previously that day.
She Facebooked me (since apparently I am unworthy of a phone call) Talking shit, saying how she wasted her time and money on the baby shower that she is throwing for me, and basically telling me to go to hell. Insulted my mom in that message and my mom hasn't spoken to that woman since I graduated highschool. . TWO YEARS AGO!
I never said the woman was unclean. Her house is spotless. Cluttered a little yes, but spotless. Unstable, well I never said that it was though. . it might be. Idk,, hell i do NOT live there.
They (her and her son) are holding this shower over my head basically. First they said they cancelled it. Which did kinda hurt especially after i finally started to get excited, and when I started to finally enjoy my pregnancy. Then they said that they were having it and didn't give a damn if I was there or not. Like its childish. My mom said if they want to be that way then thats ok, She told me to hold my head up, and that if I really wanted a shower she would put one together for me. (she's pretty awesome). . But, I mean whats the point of that really?

Now how is this going to make me being a single mom is your question now. . . Right?
He's pissed off about me wanting to take the baby home, and insists that I am trying to do everything by myself and I am trying to take the baby away from him.

He constantly is demanding that I do things "his way" I have absolutely no say in what goes on in my life & in my son's life.

He told me that i was not allowed to go on bc after this child is born. & he refuses to wear protection. I have dreams & goals. I want to finish school, and actually make something of myself and not have to depend on a man who has no respect for me, and I'm only 20 I don't want anymore children for a long while. HIs reason behind the no b/c. . I'm not sure, his reason behind the no condom thing. He hates them.

He demanded that I name the baby after him, and said if I didn't that we were going to have "problems". . . He never asked me for my opinion.

I always get accused of cheating. All I do is go to work, and come home besides i'm almost 8 months pregnant. . . Sex with other people is the farthest thing on my mind. Hell sex with him is pretty non exsistant Too tired for it, and I seriously do NOT want it.

Basically I don't have a voice at all in this relationship, and when I get the courage to actually tell him these things I am a "dumbass" or I sound stupid, or apparently i am making an ass of myself. . . No voice. Basically I just have to sit and take it, and I'm not doing it anymore. I have a voice. i'm not stupid or a dumbass. i've lost all my friends because of this guy. . .i have no one to turn to.

If you lasted through out this whole entire Vent tell me. .
Am I wrong in any of this preglies? . . Am I wrong for wanting to bring my son home. . . Am I wrong for just wanting whats best for the both of us? Staying down there isn't whats best, its just what bd wants. "/ Should I just walk away? Idk, I'm just so upset.

Comments

  • I do not think you are wrong in this. 1.) It is your job to keep your baby safe in any way you can. If your house has better amenities, then I can understand you taking your son there more than I could ever understand you taking him to your bd's house. 2.) Your bd has no right to demand that you become a baby making machine. You have every right to choose to use bc. He is attempting to control what he has no right to control. I don't really like how he turned his mother on you simply because you said no. That is manipulative and disrespectful. Apparently, he has never heard no before and it is shameful that he would get his mother involved in a relationship where she has no influence or right to be in the middle of. Now, I believe that couples should compromise together on names but..it is obvious that your bd has never even heard of compromise, much less participated in it. I do not understand why people would want their child named after them. I mean, why push an identity onto a child that way? but, I digress. No one can tell you to walk away. If you are having these questions I believe you have already answered them and want someone to validate them for you. Nothing wrong with that either! You aren't a machine nor are you simply a parent. You have to think of yourself, not only your child. If he cannot treat you as an adult, you will never have an adult relationship and you will always be subject to his whims. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me! I'll pm you with my details.
  • I am so sorry hun that you are going threw this. And no you are not wrong for wanting to go home and be were is comfy for you . That what anyone wants when they come home to be in here own home and know whee everything is. And you should be treated like a queen. I am glad that you have someone that can help you sounds like your mom is an awsome person and you and her and baby are going to be so happy together. You aont need him in your life pitting you down. I am so proud of you that you are not going to take it anymore. Be strong just look forward to the day your little one is here that is all that will matter now.
  • Omg im sorry but i wuld definatly walk away from him he seems to have no respect for u or wat u want an hes very demanding if u want to be wit him i wuld have a serious talk an if nuthn changed i wuld be gone for sure!
  • You're a very intelligent sounding woman who sounds like she has her head on straight. I know you'll do exactly what's best for your son. ;)
  • I agree 100% with Fate. You know what the right thing to do is, I just hope you can keep the courage and strength to follow through!
  • @Mbaby1
    He tried to make me feel like I was wrong for wanting to bring my baby home. His house is not home. The baby needs heat. . How am I supposed to keep his things sterile if they dont have gas "/ He's being unreasonable, and my mom is pretty awesome.

    @Mrz_Jackson He doesn't. Its like TreDan's way is the only way. Gabby has no voice!

    @0utlaw_Sphinx I will def. be contacting you. :)

    @Fate Thank you. :)
  • Sounds like he's pretty controlling. My fear of you moving in with him would push you over the edge, and you'd lose yourself, your voice. Controlling men are hard to change, not impossible but hard. If you don't put your foot down now, it'll just be harder and harder. My advice? Don't move in with him and stick very close to your mama.
  • You are doing the right thing. Get out now. He is presenting the typical signs of a controlling and abusive man.
  • Bottom line is I'm not even going to try and be nice his a waste of time. He should want the best for you and not controlling you. And the best for his child and it sounds like all he thinks about is himself. I would end it right now. Before the baby is even here u will have more rights to your child and it won't be some big Custody battle. And even he asks why tell him not only does he but trust you which is important. He has no respect for you or your family, he doesn't care about your opinion. That's not love and why should you move in with him his obviously but serious and not that you should want to marry him but he wouldn't ask u to move in without any kind of commitment. I am sorry all of this is going on. But your doing great already and I think it's smart to end it now and be with your mom as the family who will always love you and your son and support you no matter what. Not try to control u.
  • Walk away definitely he sounds like a jack ass. You and your son deserve better!
  • Their house sounds like a bad environment for you. You're going to be the odd man out there who gets bullied and is miserable. Stay where you are. What you decide to do with the relationship is up to you. But you're too smart and strong to be treated like youre weak and dumb. Think hard about it.
  • Why are you even questioning your wants, needs and desires?

    Why is his mother getting involved and retaliating the way she did. She needs to mind her own business and not use a baby shower as a vise.

    You need to Stay in an environment where your wants and wishes can be met. Don't let him pressure you into a situation that may eventually be hard to get out of.

    He has no say in how you take care of your body. Get on BC if that is your desire. I suspect he's a cheater and sees you as one. Don't let him turn this around on you. He definitely sounds very controlling and abusive. I think you've seen his abusive side and are hoping it was a one-time incident. Listen to your instinct!

    Why doesn't he want to stay with you? I think it's because he knows he has to be on his best behavior.

    I know it's easier says than done, but you asked, I think you need to get out while you can. I may be reading into it, but I suspect you continue with him to pacify him. If this is true then that should be reason enough to move forward without him.
  • Your home is your home, and since you two aren't married, it's your baby's home, too. I think you should just tell him you're more comfortable at home and leave it at that. Since you'll be the one caring for your newborn, it's imperative that you are comfortable and at ease. A relaxed mama and fewer people in and out is way more conducive to a happy, relaxed newborn. You're doing nothing wrong. If he's going to cause you stress and raise your blood pressure while you're nurturing a life, he can just stay away until he learns how to treat you better.
  • You were completely correct for feeling that way. Any update?
  • I know this is an old thread, but I just read it for the first time.

    What do you mean you end up in the emergency room after an argument?! This man is down right abusive...mentally, emotionally, verbally & it sounds like physically. I hope you got away from him & you & your baby are ok.
  • @wilsomom is 100% correct his abusing in everyway possible and as long as ur with him there won't be a u it will be him controling a women like a pet of his I wouldn't even talk to a man ever again after he demands anything especially when to have children I don't know who made him God. And ur soo young no need to rush ur not married I say u get away or I hope u have and move on with life he want to try get visitation once baby is here just go with the flow bc many times the court always rules in favor of mother especially newborns and from what ur telling me the house his living in would not pass inspection. Hope ur safe and doing well update us when u get a chance.
  • Not physically. . .Never physically. I wouldn't stay with a man who put his hands on me. I'd just get so worked up and start having contractions and spotting when I was pregnant. Anyway here is the update. We tried to work things out, and things were wonderful for about two months, then the verbal abuse started again . . and then the insecurities and ridiculousness started again. It's ridiculous, and he isn't the man that I fell inlove with. What he has become. . I don't know this man. I have to do what I have to do for myself and for my son.
  • Well everything happens for a reason and I know its hard no matter what especially bc of ur lo but try to find the positives like u will be happier have a lot more self confidance be able to do more with ur days because of motivation and no one telling u what to do or when to do it cause I know some men are soo controling. And ur son will be soo much happier bc he will know ur happy and when they are happy they just bloom like little flowers and grow and learn like crazy :) I think a good clean start is just what u need. I wish u all the best!
  • Oh well that's good it's not physical. I just hope it doesn't get that way, it usually starts with emotional & verbal. I hope everything works out ok for you! Hang in there. :)
  • No man has the right to tell you how to live your life! This Guy sounds like he will only drag you down. He's the type of Guy that doesn't want love just control. Good luck Hun!
  • You are not wrong, send him and his mother to hell, he really sounds like a controlling person, Just worry about you and your son's well being. You are definetly doing the right thing by wanting to take your baby home with you.
  • My friends relationship was like this. Manipulative, controlling, demeaning. I told my dad about it all one night, aand he said it was only a matter of time till he got physical. And low and behold, later that evening he tried to push her down stairs and was breaking stuff around her head. These relationships will always turn ugly if not dealt with.
  • He's never necessarily gotten physical.. He's go off and then keep to himself, but he is very verbally abusive. . Makes me feel like crap, a lot. We currently are NOT together. I just dont understand though, like when we first started dating he was the absolute best ever. . then the insecurities came, followed by the accusations, name calling. . Our relationship was spiraling downward. I'm not going to lie, I do love him. . but I don't love what he has become.
  • Well most relationships start out great with fun laughter new adventures u can't get enough if each other if it wasn't that way no one would ever even start a relationship but as time goes by and the time is always different for every relationship people get confortable they get to know each other inside and out they meet the family which adds to it as time goes by each indivuduals life changes weather its big things like have child or moving further away or little things this is what either makes a relationship when tow peope just click or when the two people realize this just isn't right. We all have to come to that part for people that make it most time we get engaged and get married like my life now and then there are times when u go through hard times and realize this is soo wrong and u break up like I have had before and I'm sure most women on here. And yes its hard and u car about the person and u love them but being in a relationship doesn't just require love for the individual bc I have love for many people in my life but u have to love their behavior and ur relationship that's what helps u keep going in right direction everyday in order to have healthy relationship. Sounds to me like u guys are not right for each other yes he has issues but believe it or not there are women out there who crave someone who will control them even when its totally crazy and not nice. And there are women like most of us who would prefer to have a supportive man who incourager us everyday and loves on us not puts us down. U just need more time to go by then u will realize how much happier u are.
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