We are splitting up.. Now what? Long but I could really use advice. :'(

rjr33

Well bd came over last night to see baby and I was sitting with him trying to talk about our relationship or what he was feeling and what we were gonna do. He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted anymore. And I asked if he was moving out and he said yes. And I kept asking if we were breaking up and he just wouldn't say it. I told him I wanted him to leave and he blew up. Started screaming. Saying all he cared about was his daughter. He kicked her swing broke it in half. Then tried to fight my moms bf when he told him he needed to leave. It was so awful. I know he just wants to be single for awhile and crawl back to me like he always does. Its like he never wants to cut all ties so he could always come back. He's done this multiple times before. It just hurts so bad cuz now we have our daughter. I just want to get over him and heal. I feel so bad for my daughter. She's not even a month old. I mean who knows what will happen later with him and I but right now we need time apart. He has left me before and I have always stood by him and let him come back. It hurts so bad just thinking about how hard we tried having a family. And we finally get our little girl and this is the way he treats me. I know he is going to regret it he always does. I wish I could just ignore him and move on with my life but I would never keep his daughter away from him. I am going to apply for custody of her just in case he isn't going to be mature about how were going to take care of our little girl. I think it is a good idea. I mean I want him to see her whenever he wants to. I do not plan to keep her from him. He is an amazing father just a terrible partner. If I file for custody do they send him papers notifying him. Will i get custody unless he tries to fight it? I think he knows right now the best thing for her is to be with me the majority of the time because she is so little and breastfeeding. I also do not work so I am with her 24/7. He works over 40 hours a week. And I think we will both agree that she is better off with me. I am scared that if I apply for custody he'll flip shit. But I do not want him to apply first and get her. I don't know what I am doing I never imagined I would have to do this. I am so heartbroken.

jules

I am soo sorry. Sounds like your just still in the first part of it all and kinda scared and have a lot going on I have same thoughts all time when we have big fight. And I think u are very smart to file right away. He will get his papers right away by mail or you can have a friend or family serve him which is faster it is all very simple and they have directions they give you at the court house which are step by step. one thing I know they do but care about the breastfeeding as much anymore they usually tell people to switch to formula if they can't pump enough to send with father. But you can say you don't have the money which is true if you do not have a job so no big deal. The next thing I know as long as you have clean record she will be in majority of your care because they anyways ask who is the main care provider and that has been you since you stay home with her 24/7 and he works. Don't worry sounds like he will most likely have visitation just because of schedule BC like u were saying his fine dad u guys are just not meant to be. On that note he sounds unsure of a lot of things which is not only but good for you because you can't keep putting yourself through this. But my father mad good point to me couple weeks ago that helped me see things much differently and made me stronger for my daughter. Before it was him walking out on u and not making commitment to you. You now have a Child and by being with you and trying to improve the relationship he is making Commitment to his daughter as well. As we all know separated Parents is hard on a child but my personal opinion is it's a little easier if the child doesn't have those memories of the parents being in same house in the first place. So maybe this is all for the best in the end. Just stay strong and focus on the future you want for you and your lo.

Aubreysmommy

Hun as Long as he is just the father of the child, And you were not married to him when She was concived and Birthed You have full Custody, The only way he would get custody of her is if he proved you and unfit parent. SO step back and Relax Your little girl is fine, As for the anger issues with him he broke her swing what if she was in it or he did something worse next, he sounds like he needs to chill out and get some help, As for the relationship if he treats you like that then you just need to get a big dose of confidence because, You deserve much better! IF he is going to leave you and come crawling back what kind of example does that set for your daughter? Belive me I had a bad breakup with my daughters father so i know How conflicted it can be but you need to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh pair of eyes on your situation, and ask your self
1. What example am i setting for my child to let them see such poor treatment of me, they need to know this is not okay 2. If this a safe enviroment for me and my baby? 3. Do i real want to expose the baby to this stress? Babys can get stressed out to and they can sense when parents are upset.
So you need to cut ties with him for a while and for the love of all that is holy DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Seriously no good will come of it because people like that never change
I am speaking from personal experince, no mater how much he begs pleds and trys to buy your love dont do it.

and most likey if it goes to court he will get vistation because of working
He may be a good father but he is not good for you for the sounds of it

rjr33

@jules Thank you. Him and I are just so mad at each other right this minute. And I want us both to cool off. I am not sure if I should try and talk to him in a few days about how he wants to co parent and if we aren't agreeing then file? I mean I thought I knew who he was but apparently I don't. I pictured us getting married and having more kids. And now he just doesn't want me. I am wondering if it would be better to settle this without a court or if I should just do it and file. I want him to see his daughter and take care of her but she needs to be with me most of the time. She is just so little.

CristinaLynn

First things first you need to call the police about him kicking the swing and breaking it. That's grounds right there for not getting any kind of custody!! Having a temper so bad you kick a baby's swing so hard you break it is not okay!! Sounds like he needs help! Call the police asap!!!

rjr33

@Aubreysmommy I am scared that if he files for custody he will have some kind of upper hand. I just dont know how the court system works. I dont want to go back to him. I want to heal so bad. But it is so hard after 4 years to cut ties idk how I am going to do it. I have always been by his side. I know I need to just grow a set of balls and just get on with my life. Having her makes it so much harder.

rjr33

@christinalynn yeah I have only seen him get that mad one time since I have known him. But when it gets to that point there is no talking to him. It is like he can't hear anything your saying. Nothing will calm him down. I dont want any bad blood between him and I. I just want to be civil and mature for my daughter.

jules

I think u need to file right away it has nothing to do with him not being able to see her he will be able to. Too me this way you are providing stability for your daughter that way there are set days and times and he could never just not bring her back because his mad at you. It's a court order and breaking that order can send him to jail because it's technically kid napping. Now if for some reason u guys have to switch Things around one day and u guys have an agreement then it's ok. But if he keeps her with out your consent you have the power to bring her back. If there is no order from the court and he picks her up one day then doesn't bring her back your going to have hard time fighting that BC he is her father. Trust me I have step daughter and things are so much better for everyone especially her now that there is a court order on place. It was drama after drama without one for years. And I for sure think u should report to the police then it will be on file of him being impulsive which will only help you with the custody order. Plus he needs to get her new one in my eyes . Plus if u go for custody they will deal with child support while your at it. And if you're not working u need to know u have money coming in for sure. even if you guess agree on a money amount if he decided to not give it to you one month then what are you going to do? How are you going to buy diapers, wipes,.food, shampoo, clothing? this is not a place for emotional thinking I know it's hard but u need to protect your child and provide for her.

rjr33

@jules I am scared if I file he will be really mad and come at me full force and try and get her or 50/50. She is too little for us to be passing her week by week. If they decide he gets her once a week or something and his schedule at work isn't set how is that going to work. I dont know what to do.

Starlilly

I wouldn't file out of anger.. I'd give hummm a couple days to cool off.. He may have over reacted because he's scared you're going to keep the baby from him. But that doesn't give him rights to act an ass.. Talk to him about an agreement that both of you can agree on, then tell him you want it done right, by going to court.. That way he doesn't feel like you are attacking him or going behind his back.. My hubby and I did that before we got married. We both went to the lawyers office together and said what we wanted. We didn't have to go to court, she filed them for us. it was easy and we both were happy in the end.. I agree that guys can be better fathers than mates! Also I would never ever keep my kids from their father.. Jmo good luck

captivated

Right now you ARE the custodial parent, so I would stay away from filing anything and rocking the boat. If he wants anything, he can file for visitation or you can apply at court for a free mediator to draw up a custody and visitation greement that you have come up with together. They will have it signed by a judge. If you go to file for custody, you need a lawyer and that will cost about 2k for a retainer.

You and him have a 50/50 chance of getting custody. Because you have both been equally involved in your child's life so far, a judge will most likely grant joint custody. I will give you the same advice my lawyer, one of the best in the state, gave me which is to stay away from filing custody. Go the route of a mediator or leave it alone. Why file when you are already the custodial parent. You run a great risk of it backfiring. I knowwhat I am talking about as I fought for three years bc i thought it was smart to file for custody when i already had it, along with years of hardcore research.

Do not believe anyone when they say he has to prove you unfit. That is NOt the way it works and is a very misguided notion. Good luck and feel free to message me anytime.

Mrz_Jackson

Im like aubreysmommy I always thought if u werent married the mother had costudy not sure jus wat i always heard. My brother an sil were married wen there kids were born an the judge still only gave him every other weekend visitation good luck im sure everythang will work out:)

rjr33

@starlilly I didn't think about that. Making an agreement and then telling him we should get it in writing just to make it official. Its hard cuz he doesn't have a set schedule at work so if we pick a day out of the week for him to have her idk how we would do it. I am going to let him cool off then tell him we need to have a civil talk about our daughter.

@captivated you do sound like you have been through it all. I dont think I am going to file. I am going to try and talk to him about an agreement and getting it set by the court like starlilly said. I just hope he cooperates. I know he is going to help financially but idk how much. Now I am wondering how child support works. I dont think him and I are going to agree on money and what is fair if I am the one primarily taking care of her.

jules

Well if u are worried make an agreement and have it signed off that way it's legal and u are safe. No need to go to court but having mediator sign is best. And to make him not soo upset just explain to him that u do not want to take his daughter away therefore to make sure he has security you guys need to sit down decide on schedule or days he would like to see her. And to make things far go the online calculator to see how much.child support needs to be paid.

Starlilly

My husbands job was the same and since he didn't always have the same days off we just put on paper the days we thought were good and then worked around his schedule. As for child support he will have to pay and they'll do the math.. But really it can be whatever you both decide on...in my case since I made more than him I had to pay but we worked it out so that I wouldn't have too! doing it together was the best thing we could have done! It was easy, fast and didn't have to go to court and we both were happy with the agreement!

captivated

Just to add, any agreement not signed by a judge in regards to custody and child support is not a legal binding document. The court mediatior will present it to a judge to be signed. There is no agreeing upon money as the mediator will have the state guidelines for child support. A judge will often not allow you to agree to any less as the money is for the child and not you. They will add together income and subtract the days that he has the child out of support

captivated

Just to add, any agreement not signed by a judge in regards to custody and child support is not a legal binding document. The court mediatior will present it to a judge to be signed. There is no agreeing upon money as the mediator will have the state guidelines for child support. A judge will often not allow you to agree to any less as the money is for the child and not you. They will add together income and subtract the days that he has the child out of support

captivated

Ahh sorry Dbl post!

Starlilly

The lawyer had our papers signed by a judge so went didn't have to go to court! maybe I didn't make it clear! 3 of my 4 kids have papers on them. I've only had to court with my first and got granted everything I asked for... My other two kids baby daddy (now hubby)and I went to lawyer together and did an agreement on what we wanted later drew up papers had us sign them took them to the judge, filed them with the court and gave each of us a copy.. Also my sister has done the same thing never went to court, her baby daddy doesn't pay child support at all! I don't agree with it, but they worked it out to where he just provides what she needs clothes, school ,supplies, daycare in summer and medical.. Also signed off by a judge.. As long as the both parties agree to what they want, I don't think it matters.. Imo