our anniversary is coming up.. long.. vent

lucyloo288

Our anniversary is coming up, and I know my husband is going to want to have sex. I hate any kind of intimacy with him, now. I still love him, I think, sometimes, but I really couldn't care less if his physical needs are met. I thought at first that it was because I was tired, and busy, and he didn't try to get me in the mood or anything, he just asks me if I want to have sex tonight and if I say no, which is 95% of the time, he just lets it be. But now that I'm really thinking about my feelings, I've realized that my indifference is because I resent him. We have two kids, and his 6 yo daughter stays with us over night once a week, and he doesn't help me at all. I constantly have to tell him how to do things that should come as second nature. When, by chance, he does actually have one of the kids and he needs something, I have to stop what I'm doing to get it for him. And god forbid that he has to get something himself.. if he can't walk into the room and immediately see what he needs, he's coming back to me to ask where it is. Um, I don't rearrange everything on a daily basis to confuse you.. the binkies/blankets/medicines/whatever are in the exact same place they've been in for the past two years. I mentioned my stepdaughter because when she comes over, I have to care for her too. (Don't get me wrong, I love her and I don't mind one bit doing things for her) If its not something fun, he doesn't want to do it. I have to help her with homework, give her baths and get her ready for bed, fix her lunch and get her ready for school the next day. Its hard enough on a normal night to do the things I have to do with no help from him, and ten times harder on nights that she's here.

And then there's all of the everyday life things that he doesn't help me with. I'm constantly cleaning up after him (after I've already cleaned the entire house once, he comes in and just leaves his stuff where ever, doesn't even matter of its in my way) I have to manage our finances (one time I asked him when our car payment was due and how much it was, just to see if he had any idea, and of course he was completely clueless), and do the shopping (Lol, if it weren't so sad and annoying, it would be funny how much he sucks at grocery shopping). Basically, eveything falls on me except making money and taking care of the dog. And taking out the trash.. I absolutely do not take out trash.

I've talked to him about all of this. He knows that I'm running myself into the ground. But I still can't get him to step up and help me. When he does "help" its like he's not helping me at all because I still have to do everything for him. And he expects me to still want to have sex with him? I don't think so..

I've tried everything I can think of. I've tried to let the housework go, thinking if I didn't worry so much about making sure the house was clean, I'd be able to focus more on my kids and maybe he'd pick up the slack, but I can't function in a messy house, and he just complained about me not doing anything. I've tried just handing him the kids and telling him to just leave me the hell alone.. that kind of worked, I was able to get some stuff done without my daughter under my feet or having to stop to feed my son, but my husband was so mad at me for doing that, and it didn't really show him what I go thru because his dad was over to help him (so basically he just sat and held our son and his dad entertained Mia). I've tried asking him to only care for one or the other while I try to do something.. if he takes my son, I have to get everything for him, it he takes my daughter, he lets her come bother me so I'm constantly having to stop and take her back to him or get her out of something she shouldn't be in. Just shy of giving up, and accepting that our marriage is basically over emotionally, I'm out of ideas. I don't know how to get him to understand what I go thru everyday, or even just HELP me. I want to meet his needs, that's what I vowed to do when we got married, but what about my needs???? I'm so confused and lost about the whole thing.

Sorry this is so long, and if its a little scattered. If anyone has any kind of advice or ideas or anything, please let me know! If I need to suck it up and get used to my new role of a mom of two, house keeper, and wife, just tell me. If you're struggling with balancing things, please just let me know I'm not alone. I just need some kind of feedback..

MyBamBina28

you just wrote the story of my life! have you considered marriage counseling?

JoshnEviesmum

You most definitely are not alone. A lot of the things youve mentioned, my husband is guilty of too. I feel like the 'husband' in our relationship, as i do EVERYTHING, apart from go to work.Hes slighly better with the baby than he used to be. He simply has no handle on how to look after us, so i totally understand. No answers, but maybe sit him down and tell him how you feel. Didnt work with my guy but thats not to say you wont get anywhere with yours.

MyBamBina28

you just wrote the story of my life! have you considered marriage counseling?

lucyloo288

It might be kinda mean to hope that someone else is in the same crappy situation as me, but just knowing that there are moms out there that know how I feel and deal with it, too, makes it that much more bearable! I'm sorry y'all are dealing with this also, but thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone.

@mybambina28 one of my mom's conditions for paying for our wedding was for us to begin seeing a counselor so we've

lucyloo288

Been going for over two years. We haven't been in a while because we were doing good. I have an appt soon, but its just for me. We'll probably be going in again after that. It worked at first, but when something new comes it, its like we're back at square one.

lucyloo288

@joshneviesmum I feel like his mother, I swear. Its really sad and I hate it. I have told him that I need help, I've begged him to help me.. I haven't told him how I feel about resenting him, because I don't want to hurt our relationship more. That's something he won't easily let go, even if we can fix this. But I'm getting to the point were its come down to that, and I'm willing to risk our whole entire relationship if it will get him to understand. Hopefully the counselor will have some good advice on that...

Mijita

I say this with no ill intentions or ill-heart, but since you've checked out emotionally why not leave. You've stated you resent him, you don't want to be intimate with him and you basically do it all on your own, so why not leave? Why stay with someone who makes you utterly miserable. You've started counseling and it seemed to help, yet you're back to square one. Why wait until he becomes desperate for female affection that he seeks comfort in another woman, thus betraying you and once again you're the victim. I'm all for working on relationships, but sounds like you've done passed go a long time ago. You've enabled him this long and I'm afraid things won't be so easy to change for him.

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MamaLove

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, I think we expect a lot out of men. And even we they do as we ask we still want more from them. It's not fair that it seems like you are using being intimate as a weapon. Regardless of your issues in the house (him not helping like you would like him to) that should not stop you from wanting to be close with him. If you really feel that way I think it goes much deeper than that. If my husband never cleaned a dish, always asked me where shit is, etc, yes it would get irritating. But not enough to completely not love him and refuse to show him that....

lucyloo288

@mijita I'm just not ready to call it quits just yet. He's proven that he's willing to change for me in the past, it just took the right person with the right advice to help him understand what he needed to do. I'm willing to put my heart on the line and risk him cheating because I know he wants to make me happy, he just needs some help figuring out how. Basically, I know and have known what needs to be done (going to counseling), and its my fault for letting it get this bad. If I didn't believe that he can change, I would already be gone.

@homebirthadvocate I saw where you posted something similar to someone else a while back, and I think about this a lot. Its just so freakin hard to meet his needs when I'm so exhausted and I'm really not feeling it and my own needs aren't being met. Then I have to deal with my feelings, and I can't get my mind in the right spot. I feel like if I can't give it my best effort and I do it half-heartedly, then he'll know and that will hurt him even more. Do you really think this will help get him to see how much help I need? I feel bad for not wanting to have sex with.him because I know how important it is to him, but I just can't do it..

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lucyloo288

@mamalove hmmm.. now I'm giving good thought to what I expect of him. I didn't think I expected too much, but now that I'm thinking about it, I probably expect him to do much more than I've asked of him. I guess that's something that I'm going to have to work on myself. Thank you for pointing that out!

And, wow... about the sex part.. I just reread my original post, and its crazy the things you say out of anger. I don't intend to use sex as a weapon. I don't hate being intimate with him. And I don't really think I resent him. I do care about his needs, its just our priorities are a little different right now. I do still want to connect with him on that level, its just not my top priority and when he even gives me an "out" by just asking if I want to, I use it.

MamaLove

It's nice to vent and then reevaluate how you really feel, isn't it? I hope you don't say these things to him! What is said out of anger can really hurt and be hard to forget... Try talking with him, tell him you are trying to put yourself in his shoes and you would hope he does the same for you. Use the words "I feel". Try not to put him down or make him feel like he doesn't do enough. Encourage him to help more

jules

I'm with @homebirthadvocate put yourself in his shoes why would u ever do anything for him if he didn't care to ever tell u he loves u... I really do believe that a lot of the disconnection comes from the distance thing never having any kind of physical connection. Maybe just focus on doing you're best and he will come around. Other then that it's not fair to keep yourself or him going through this if things aren't going anywhere. I mean I know it's super hard I have a lo and his step daughter and I do everything but it's very noticeable when I'm nice and patient his much more helpful even though he might be tired from working.

Starlilly

I just think this is one of those times in a marriage you have yo work thru.. how do you know that isn't feeling the same way about you. Why does he have to change? Why can't it be that the both of you need to work on it together. I'm sure there are things that you do that he doesn't like..ijs it's eaiser to blame someone else. I'm not saying it's your fault, only you know what truly goes on. to me your husband sounds like a good man. Those are hard to find.. You sound like a great wife, any man would be lucky to have you.. I just think that you both have areas where you could improve... I had to call my hubby at work yesterday and tell him that I need a break! It was hard, but I was to that point that I needed him to know I was very over whelmed. We have four kids and one on the way, he works two jobs and I work full time on yo of keeping the house in order.. For us taking about things is the key...hope you guys can work it out!

lucyloo288

Well, ladies, y'all have helped me tremendously! I realize now that what I was feeling earlier was more anger than resentment, that I'm just as much at fault as he is, and that I still want to be intimate with my husband! Being parents is new and hard for both of us, and he just needs a little more help because he's not with them all the time. I'm going to work on the things that I need to work on, and try to help him help me rather than expect him to know what I need him to do. And I'm also going to find my flame again!

@mijita yes, my original words were harsh, and I can see how reading them would make anyone think that leaving is the.best option. Although I've entertained the idea in times of anger, deep down I love him and I couldn't do that until its absolutely necessary.

@homebirthadvocate you are totally right about him not even noticing if I'm not completely "there"! As much as I've been holding out, and trying to make up for it with words and acts of kindness, sex and intimacy is the best way to show him I love him. ( @nova ))

@mamalove yes, all I needed was to vent! I'm not the best at guarding my words when I'm angry, but I would never say some thing that hurtful to someone without giving it a lot of thought first! We will definitely be having a talk about expectations, and I hope he'll forgive me for being so unfair.

@ Jules I do see know how me holding back isn't helping the situation, and I'm going to try harder with the sex. That's going to be the hardest part because I do miss the days of being completely in the mood. But it will happen again!

I'm actually looking forward to spending time with him on our anniversary now!

MamaLove

Good I hope it's one to remember :X

lucyloo288

@starlily you're aboslutely right, its just something we need to work thru, but with level heads. I was angry earlier and said some things that I didn't really mean. Communication is going to be the key to us getting thru this, starting with me letting him know exactly what I need help with, and when I need a break. He is a good man, father, and husband and I try very hard to be a good wife and mother. Learning to balance our kids needs and our needs as a couple is also going to be hard, but important. But we can do it!

Starlilly

I'm hoping things work out for you! I'm sure they will! Sometimes we get so comfortable with our spouse that we think they should know us by now! I'm very guiltly of that, when we just need to say what we are feeling..