Heart ripped out......

Prayin_4_twins

I just don't understand, I don't even know where to begin....my heart feels completely crushed! I feel like I lost a very dear loved one yet that loved one didn't exist other than in my head....after 3 yrs ttc, 2 years of fertility Dr appts, ER visits bc my body is out of wack, diets, depression, doing everything to stay positive, questioning my faith then trying my hardest to just give it to God and let him handle it, going from never having a period to having a 24/7 period to having a normal period with meds then having a normal period and ovulating all on my own, having my uterus/cervix pinched so the can do biopsies and dye test, the Dr gave us the okay to do an IUI...and I do everything it takes to wait until day 16 to test and I get a BFN.......as I sit here and tell this I'm pouring out tears I didn't even know existed!!! I even sat and waited the 2 min the box said to wait for the reading.....I am dying inside and I can't even fathom what will pull me out of this one.....hubby is so wonderful, he just holds me and does his best to comfort me as I am a blubbering mess, he tells me that we will try again, but I don't only feel empty I feel like I let him down. He is soooo excited to be a dad and I feel that i don't only disappoint myself, I am disappointing him. I am 28 and my family history for females is not pretty my obgyn is even praying for us bc she knows soon if this doesn't happen that a disgusting surgery will be taking place and we are praying with all our might to prolong the stages......in my family when you have a baby then your chances of having a hysterectomy are prolonged so for my mom she had me at 20, my brother at 27 and the surgery at 34, the Drs told my aunt that if she were to have had another child after her twins at 18 then she wouldn't have had to do the surgery @ 30.......I am so crushed...I can't even describe the feelings I have right now......sorry this was so long.

Maymommy2011

I am so sorry! I have bern watching your posts for so long. My girlfriend had the same problems conciving. She did invitro and mrdicine and evetything. She gave up and they started looking at adoption. Thats where she fell in love with a lil 2 yo who had been abused and abondonded by his mother.... she fell in love and he was hers and he NEEDED them so badly. God made them wait.... he knew this little man needed these parents... then two years later withouttrying they got preggers with his lil sister! the docs were astonished she even got pregnant on her own :-) it will happen! keep your head up sister!

LittleFae

Oh honey I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
I'm praying and lighting a candle for you. You're always in my thoughts.

Prayin_4_twins

@MayMommy2011 Thank you hun! And congrats to your friend!!! My best friend works for DFS and I'm imbedded to confidentiality bc of my parents work, so when she goes on a call I always tell her to be careful and I pray for the lo(s) involved. I always tell hubby that if we are ever on a walk and find a abandoned baby/child that we are keeping them since we rescued them I know God has a plan but I am really wearing thin, I feel the depression, I can usually stop myself or pull myself out of the depression but this time it seems to be setting heavy.....

Prayin_4_twins

@LittleFae thank you hun!

veevee

I don't want to seem insensitive, but why don't you take a break from TTC? If this is hardening on you. Just take a minute, step back and collect yourself. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Try just having sec for the fun of it, stop worrying about temps and charts that can stress a person out, especially if you've been TTC for a long time.

I've always thought it was insensitive when a person would say "Just relax it'll happen". But that can actually be good advice.

This cycle I stopped temping, charting, checking my cm, etc, and I started to relax. I started to enjoy the rest of the holiday season. I was loving not having to wake up to temp and check my cm. I was actually enjoying sex for a change. Then I wanted to know if AF was coming for NYD and tried the q-test. The q-tip came back clean no blood and then I tested because it was just laying there and well... you know the rest.

I know everyone is different but I think a break would do you and your body some good.

mommyof3girls

sorry about the bfn. Keep trying, don't give up.

mrsrobbins6113

When I stopped putting all of my energy and time and thought into ttc, I got pregnant. Ill pray for you lady. I've always kept you in them but Ill pray extra hard now (: good luck! So sorry about your bfn.

perly

You've probably seen me post this before, including @veevee but its true. Stress can really be a negative factor in TTC. I have a cousin, she has 9 year old and for years she tried having a baby and she couldn't. She did everything possible to get pregnant and nothing worked. Then one day she had a break down, and stopped trying. She finally understood that her baby would come when the time was right. She now has a 5 month old baby girl.

I lost my first pregnancy on May 2011, and i had baby fever because i wasn't able to bring my daughter home. I didn't get pregnant until this past August. I know its not the same amount of time, but when you are TTC, time seems to pass by so slow. So relax a little bit. Don't have sex, but actually make love and enjoy it. It will happen, but unfortunately not on your clock hun.

Prayin_4_twins

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate all the encouraging words. Hubby and I took a break for 5 months, we were only supposed to take a 3 month break but we ended up doing 5. I had an incident 3 months ago and I woke up in the middle of the night to go potty (we had intercourse that night, and I was due for ovulation any day) as I walked down the hall I noticed that I was wet as though I peed my pants....it was blood! I had to jump into the tub and I stood as blood poured from me (sorry graphic) I yelled for hubby, he came running and he didn't know what to do....I had filled the bottom of our tub with blood and softball size blood clots. It was pointless to go to ER bc they don't help. We didn't know what to think......we were both scared. We saw my obgyn and she examined me said I needed to go see.our fertility Dr so we did, the following month I had a regular period for the first time all on my own, then I had a dye test done to make sure my tubes were open, then we were given an option of two more rounds of Clomid and then IUI or we could skip to IUI. We opted to do a round of Clomid and then if we got bfn then we would do an IUI. So in Dec we did our IUI, I've had symptoms but don't really know what's real and what's not anymore I've done the break, no meds no charting no test only provera when needed so that my hyperplasia doesn't come back. It has been 3 long, painful, emotional years. My best friend got prego and then asked me if I was upser that she was prego and that in itself hurt....then to know that I want to be a mommy more than anything and I've done everything is even more painful. There was a short time that sex wasn't as much fun it was like we had to but we threw that out the door a long time ago. (Sorry so long)

veevee

You should take a break with no set date. No deadline, no nothing. That way you want be counting any days. Go on a few dates, hang out with friends, live out life. Make love not sex, have a couple of drinks. Just forget about having a baby and let your body and mind go free. Some couples take almost a year off from TTC.

MommyLovesSparkle

I seriously want to cry for you I'm so sorry your going through this. I know nothing i say is going to help really but i just want you to know that I'm so sorry

acw104

Hunny I'm sorry about all of this. But have u actually started ur period yet? Thear still could b hope.

Prayin_4_twins

@veevee hun I really do appreciate your encouraging words, however, we haven't used protection or the pull out method since we got married in Sept 2009 and in Nov 2010 we went to the Dr, we weren't trying but bc of my family history we thought it would be good to go to the Dr, so thankful we did because I was in the beginning stages of cancer due to hyperplasia. Every single female in my family ad their children at a younger age and by the time they were early 30 they had to get a hysterectomy.....my obgyn told me that if I didn't conceive soon that I would end up having one by the time I was 30...I will be 29 in April. When you have time and its not creeping up then its easy to let go but we've already done those stages I don't want you to think I'm arguing or not listening trust me ask anyone on here I'm not like that, its just hard to explain to ppl all we've already done and been through.
@MommyLovesSparkles Thank you dear I am just praying that I can fill my mind positive and not be depressed.
@acw104 thank you hun. Yes I'm going to test again in a few days if I don't get af.

jules

I'm very sorry I know it's hard and jhurts when u see that negative I've been trying just like @veevee and the moment she just tried her best to enjoy life it happened. Its very true that the stress does nothing too help. with my first we weren't stressed at all just said whatever God wants for us and the first time we got baby. now I'm stressing about it and it's taking forever. so I'm too trying my best to not stress I know it's hard I can barely do it. however enjoy life and ur husband like for me as much as I want another one of my own if it doesn't happen we will adopt. I am adopted and trust me its beautiful thing and I will always be thankful. and I know they would do it over again any day. u have time don't be so hard on yourself. And I will be praying for you and your husband!

Lourdes26us1

I'm very Sorry hun!! I know there is no words that I could say to make your pain go away. But I'm here if you need to talk or cry. I will continue praying for a miracle baby. . Hugs***

perly

@Prayin_4_twins I really do hope that 2013 is your year. I know what it feels like to want a baby so bad, and the toll it takes on you to wake up everyday to push through when all you really want is that baby. When i lost my daughter, i was so pissed because i loved her from the moment i knew she was on her way and she was taken from me just like that. I feel i relate to you in the sense of that feeling of getting that hope taken away from you.
One thing i can say i learned is that although it hurts so bad to come to terms with the things we go through in life, everything really does happen for a reason. At the moment, its annoying to hear people say it and it feels like it will never make sense but in time we learn to understand and then eventually we see what it is we needed to know from experiencing what we did. So i will say, everything happens for a reason. If this baby doesn't come through for you both, (which i will pray for you so that it will) know that something will come your way. It will never fill the hole in your heart, but it will make life easier. Being able to love the way you love this baby that still doesn't exist, is a very beautiful gift! I know you would be a wonderful mother to any child. Everything will fall into place soon

veevee

See I didn't know all that. My apologies. Its cool. I haven't been TTC for that long so I really don't know what you have been through. Honestly though I was taking a break. I told SO if I'm not pregnant by 30. I'm getting my tubes tied. I'm 28 BTW.

Prayin_4_twins

@veevee I understand and no need for apologies, my case even baffles the Drs lol most of the girls on here have known me since I started or have been following my story. It's been a really long 3 TTC years breaks too. I've been a member for two yrs. Congrats to you and your family, its so exciting when someone TTC gets their bfp!

crystaldawn0830

This makes me so sad. I was only ttc for a year and that seemed horrific! It's stories like these, that make my feeling to be a surrogate one day, even stronger! I will be saying a prayer for you tonight that you will get to have your BFP soon!

Prayin_4_twins

@crystaldawn0830 I told hubby when we first got married that I wouldn't mind being a surrogate for someone close to us if needed and now to look back at the last 3 yrs makes me sad. I have always wanted to be a mommy and I thought if I were in my mid 20s and married then that would be great (I'm not saying you have to be married, its just my preference) and now I think to myself geez I should have just hooked up with someone in high school......the other females in my family were between 15 and 20 when they had their babies
I wish someone would just walk up to us and say here this is my baby and I am unable to give it the love and care, so she/he is now yours........hey a girl can dream right!? Lol

mommyof3girls

@prayin_4_twins ^ Have u guys ever considered foster care? Maybe for a child who needs a forever home? I only ask because of ur last statement. I wish u all the best. I can feel ur pain from ur posts. Ur a mama w out a baby. don't give up. Once u have that baby in ur arms u will never give up on him/her so don't give up now. It will happen. Keep the faith.

Maymommy2011

foster care is a great idea! wish I could do it

Star4221

^^^agreeed! A lady i work with just got newborn triplet girls to foster! I would love to do it if i could get hubby to agree.

Frantastic

What about adoption? My two nephews are adopted and they are wonderful kids. The older one is from the Ukraine and was almost 3 when they got him and I have to say he is the coolest little boy you'll ever meet. The younger one is from Guatamala and was 10mo when they got him. There are so many children who need good homes and would love to have you as a mother. Good luck to you.

crystaldawn0830

Aww. I believe everyone that wants to be a mommy should be one. I know deep down we all want to carry a baby inside our bodies and feel that life moving around inside us. Oddly most of us can't wait for the painful delivery of our child. Lol! But when that isn't an option anymore, I don't think u should give up on ur dream of being a mommy! That love that you have is more than enough to raise a happy healthy child. You maybe have not gotten to carry them in ur belly or deliver them...shoot you might not even be their biological parents, but that's wont stop u from be an AMAZING and loving mother!

I hope that no matter what options you take ( continue trying to get pregnant, surrogacy, foster parenting or adoption) you will find peace in your decision and get to experience the feeling of having another human being look up at u and smile. To know that they are safe with u and that you will love for them for the rest of time!

I've always had this itch to be a surrogate. Before I had my son I always said I would only do it for a close relative. Then when I got pregnant I thought there would be no way I could do that for someone else. However, after I had that miracle I realized what a special gift I was given by God! Then I thought how amazing it would be to help give someone else there miracle from God as well. Obviously, I'm not done having children for myself but once I am I will be praying hard over this subject.

Best wishes to you and your husband!

Prayin_4_twins

@mommyof3girls It is a very difficult process in Missouri, my best friend works for DFS. Plus we currently rent and you would have to own I believe plus hubby isn't really up for it....he's afraid. My aunt and uncle did foster care after my aunt couldn't conceive after having my cousin. They fell in love with a little boy, decided to adopt him so they went through the process and in MO ( not sure in others states) before the final papers are signed the biological parents get one last time to change their minds if they want and the mom did she came back on the very last day and decided she wanted him (she was a drug addict and alcohol and saw $$$ through welfare )
I just can't wait to be a mommy and my family just doesn't understand

Prayin_4_twins

Ladies thank you so much for your encouraging words, thoughts, prayers, love, etc. This means more to me than any of you know. Obviously the new year didn't start as we had hoped or planned out in our heads but we are going to keep trying. My husband is such an amazing man and in our 3years of marriage he has become more of a prince charming than I ever dreamed possible! We are still working toward being more financially stable and will continue to pray for that bc with every Dr appt we pay more money I just wish to feel the kick of my lo inside me and I am saddened that some.ppl choose to remove the blessing when they could be blessing others...I mean sheesh they could look at it as a pay it fwd deal. Adoption shouldn't be so expensive!

doodles

I live in missouri too! I shouldn't have more children due to health issues so we have looked into adoption and you are right. It is very difficult :-( I wish you the best and hope you get your sweet baby however it may happen.

acw104

Did you ever retest?

Frantastic

Adoption in the US is very difficult. That's why both my nephews are adopted from overseas. Also because US adoptions the parents can still take the child back and overseas they can't. It's still very expensive but a lot easier. I hope you look into it and can be a mommy.