Baby mama drama! need advice :)

jules

I need some advice with my husbands ex wife only BC this stuff effects my whole family and IM tired of him being walked on by his ex and he just keeps helping so any advice is welcome especially if you have ex and a child together therefore I'm sure you deal with this all the time. my husband and his ex have daughter and right now they have 50/50 custody and his ex wanted to have their daughter to be in one home during the school week since school was about to start for her this was last summer they went to court and he ended up just agreeing with her schedule with is we get her every Friday after school but every other Friday she stays the whole weekend. Before that they shared the whole week and it was equaly divided. At the time last summer 2011 my husband was without a job so his ex said if he doesn't do this she will take him for bunch child support and if he does she will have it waved so the court was able to set it to $0. Anyways were getting ready to move bc of his job therefore all the sudden she's asking for money BC she's been having to pay after school day care. And according to her is BC of his unstable schedule. I don't mind helping her if she needs it. However she's pregnant for the 3Rd time and baby number 2 she tried doing same thing all the sudden the things we were helping her pay for became more expensive. Soo I know that's what she's doing this time. Plus no one asked her to put the kid in day care that's her choice right. And IM not trying to be rude towards gee at all its just that I'm tired of her taking advantage of my husband especially when she flat out said before that she has never used the money we have her for Kirra that she would use it toward her old loans. Plus the home she lives in he got BC of his hard work and his name is on the deed still. He let her just have it. And her car is under his name his letting her just have it. Plus he was helping with half the mortgage for years and the deal was to get tax write of just like u uh a supposed to clam his daughter every other year and all the sudden she files last year and according to her she forgot and just clammed it all therefore he couldn't. Yet after everything he just wants to keep giving and I'm advising different route. Like I said I want to help his daughter with whatever whoever I would prefer either buy the clothe myself then give it to her and if she justed nicely asked for help with the after school daycare I would go down there myself and pay it. I just think it's important the money goes right to the child. Soo right now he just wants to start giving her money and I don't agree since we have lots stuff we have to do since his been without job for 1 1/2. He has taxes to pay we have to start paying two cars and insurance my parents have been amazingly nice to help this entire time. Plus since my car is technically my parents my name is just on it we have to get our own car. We have to get insurance and save money for the meaning that first month Rent stuff and the truck itself that adds to to thousands sometimes especially when your moving 5 1/2 hours away. Oh and he had to pay back money to unemployment BC they were letting him do side jobs and still collect money so he could have money to travel for interview and everything but we knew we would have to pay it back. Plus we would prefer to rent house not another apt and his saying if we lay her then apartment is what we have to do. I just don't think it's far that he knows they are doing fine she doesn't actually need the money yet my family has to suffer. Plus we had to wait until this job got going to start trying so we been trying for two months. Soo once we get pregnant will have plenty of things we have to pay for. Just handing money out without court order seems stupid to me. Sorry I'm kinda overwhelmed with all the stuff going on and need advice and just let it all out...

captivated

Sounds like a child support order is necessary. This way she gets her support and cannot require or ask for further money. Until then, you are really at her mercy.

Also, as for daycare, it doesn't matter what the reasoning, if it is something that is being done, he is responsible to help pay for it. You don't really get the luxury of saying whether it is necessary or not. So he has no job? You're paying for her support??

[Deleted User]

@captivated Is 100percent right you need to get a court order. Do you keep receipts and cancelled check for everything? It doesn't sound like the hubby will be on board. I think you will have to force the issue bc this woman will be in you life as long as ur married.

jules

@captivated @char I totally agree and there is court order bc even the judge was saying there's no reason why the child needs to be in one home during school year that other people do this all the time. but since he was willing to give it a try there was deal made that states in the court order that the child support is set to $0. and as far as day care she choice to do in her own bc just in case she can't be picked up on time. Which she just had jealousy problem with me bc her daughter likes to spend time with me and she doesn't like that so she would rather have her daughter be in the after school day care and wait until my husband can pick her up. so that's choice she's making and money she doesn't need to spend. No where does it say his responsible to pay anything. But I know no matter why or who decides child care is different then support. I think I'll just let him know that these. things effect everyone in our family and if we get in another whole because of it is its his respindIability to get us out but I will support him no matter what. I think I'm just really owhervekmed right now because of the new job and thinking about moving and all that. But thank you very much for your help.

captivated

If they have them an equal amount of time, then that's correct about child support. But from what you said above, the child is with the mother more at this point? If that's the case, then definitely need to be giving her some kind of financial support. I could never ask my exes new wife to pay for anything though! Too much pride for that!!!

jules

@captivated I agree but this is what she wanted she asked for this schedule and in return the child support be set to $0 therefore the court did that since they were able to come to an agreement. And although the day care is separate thing therefore should be shared however he is able to have his daughter during that time so why put her in day care? Ya know therefore no one has to pay. Like I said she has jealousy and insecurity issues. I'm more like you I would have hard time asking especially when I don't need it. She's even taken money from me before we were even married how crazy is that... I wish I knew she didn't need it back then I would have never given it to her. Some people are just like that. Which I wish he would just at least admit by now. Everyone knows she's just not nice kinda a crazy ex. I'm thankful you're here to listen I really have it build up inside.

perly

If the schedule you have going on right now was court ordered, and the child support amount was also court set to $0... then why are y'all worried about giving her money? Tell your hubby to tell her that on days she can't pick up the little girl, that you'll go get her. If it was decided that she doesn't have to receive money from you two then whatever extra curricular activities she wants her daughter in, she needs to be able to pay for. She can't force your husband to pay her anything if it wasnt court ordered.
I know its hard, because when there's a child involved you always want to get along with the other parent for the child's sake but her financial problems are not yours to worry about. Talk to your hubby and explain to him that there is just no money to be paying for every single little thing she wants... especially when there's no need for it.

captivated

You two are married! I understand her hesitamce and insecurity about being "replaced", but seriously not allowing you to pick up her child? I even picked up my step kids daily back then. She's doing her child a huge disservice. eventually she will sense the tension, and that's not.good for her. she needs to get over it. If you were just a girlfriend, i could see it, but you being in her life is unavoidable. Smh.

Tinknbob

Ok I've dealt with a similar cituation except my husband was never married to the girl but before the child support order was in affect they told us that anything bought or any money given to her for his daughter was concidered a gift & they go by however old the daughter is on how far back they go on back child support at the time they file. So if I were you I would keep advising that he not just hand over money or anything let her get a child support order.

jules

@perly that's exactly how I see it I just really don't want you get in argument with him over it ya know plus she's going just fine financially like I said before in very happy to help with whatever if she needed clothe I would buy some or even if her having needed food I would be happy to help. The point is they are doing fine obviously if u just got pregnant after trying for a while u must be doing ok right? plus like @captivated said his my husband it's not like I'm a girlfriend picking up her child if she needs to be picked up and I don't think it should be big deal for her to be at home with me and her baby sister until my husband gets home from work after all we are all family.
@tinknbob thank you I understand what you're saying and I think because they have the court order that says he doesn't owe her anything I think his scared that she will go back and ask for some crazy amount but he has to remember that also, means she would have to give up her time and the schedule would become 50/50 since they both have custody and I know she would never go for that therefore I don't think he needs to worry. But his always given in to his ex gives get whatever she asks for which imagine being in my shoes gets really hard to keep it together sometimes.

jules

Ok so we just talked and thank you to all of you I needed the extra push! But it went great and I think his understanding where I'm coming from and might try my idea. I told did tell him I would support him no matter what but I really thought this was worth a try and at the end he agreed! Now that this drama was done ths ex sent a not such nice email that I'm not cool with but I'm not going to say anything negative to him too much about it. Will see what happens with that one.

perly

I totally agree with you. She is being unreasonable. I guess you can find a way to word this differently to where your hubby can see that paying for child care isn't necessary. You could probably say it like a suggestion, for example "Why don't i pick up Kirra from school so that we can save the money we would spend for her child care?" or anything along those lines so he can take it as you trying to help rather than starting an argument. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to deal with problems and that's why he is giving in to her (ex) every demand, but like you said that's not fair. Hopefully things workout soon because it sucks having baby momma drama lol. Not that i've ever had any, but my brother has and it's exhausting...

jules

@perky that's exactly what I did and it went amazing one the best conversations we have ever had as far as serious once you know. Then on top of that his ex as we finished our conversation sent not such nice email about his daughter supposedly sad about us and our home and how be needs to make everything about her and be did an amazing job he sent such great email he asked me to read it after. I'm soo proud of him bc he answered her but also was real good parents and first time stood up to her and said as much as he would love to give her all the attention he wants to treat both the girls equally and show get that this is her home she's not here just to play. And he believes it's best in the long run. And the fact that she's going through a lot first the separation now both parents are remarried and she has siblings and her mom is pregnant again which means more siblings and sharing which is just different. He even told her the best we can do is continue doing everything same and not say anything negative about each other or encourage it....(she always says things about me both of us and then kirra comes home telling us.. We never say anything negative in front of her bc.that only effects her). I'm in good mood and feel so proud of him.

perly

@jules that is awesome! i posted my comment a little after yours so that's why i didn't see it until i was done posting. Im glad he stood up for his family, its great

jules

@perly ya me too I'm just so happy cause it's fist time and I didn't have to tell him he just did it then showed me and I was very encouraging so hopefully he will remember how Nice it is to work together! Will see what she says lol not that it matters cause it won't change how we do things on our home with the girls. And that was last day of af soo now I can't wait to have my surprise for him I told him I have surprise and he could guess for fun and he said are you pregnant... So I'm glad that was his first guess cause even though his quite about it I know he will be so excited I hope this coming ovulation will be our month

Roxy

hope things get better for ur family sry I dnt have any advice never been n a situation like this prayers ur way

jules

@Roxy thank you everything worked out very well. I mean will have to deal with her for long time but whatever as long as were on same page and my family is healthy and happy then that other stuff is not big deal.

Tinknbob

@jules I fully understand that but the court would be the one saying how much he pays not her. They would have to revisit all of the documents that are already in place but I would be careful and advice him not to give her much of anything.

jules

@tinknbob that's what I said of it comes to that let the cherry decide and if and when they give an order for child support then we will take care of it like we did when we had one before but right now the court ordered not to pay anything.