Shared custody Schedule Need advice

jules

Alright as some may know my husband has a daughter from his ex they legally have physical and legal custody of her but she has been with her mom more since she started school this year and that's what they decided on in mediation. Also my husband has been without a job for over year and now had wonderful new job and we have to move. Im trying to get an idea of what others have possibly had or seen as possible schedule since we're moving 6 hours away. She will still be with her mom throughout the year I'm just curious to know if that means we get her during the summer or breaks?...

ashley_smashley

When I was little and my parents divorced, we moved about 5 hrs away. We saw my dad every other weekend, and as often as we wanted during the summer. Usually a month or 2.

perly

You can come to an agreement to where you have her once every other week (or something along those lines, depending on what works best) and alternate holidays and then during the summer she can spend a month with you and the other month with her mom.

jules

Ok so we talked to his ex. And tried being understanding on the fact that she's a mother and it's hard. We said that we called our lawyer he said that normal schedule since we want her to continue going to same school that it would then be 60 days in the summer and u alternate holidays ever year. Obviously she doesn't want to do that bc it's most of the summer. Which I said was understanding and asked her what type of schedule does she see. She said well her friend whose an atterny (which she's not last time the judge kicked get out of the court room saying your not real attorney so I don't know the details lol).. Anyways I guess the friend told her that it's more like 30 days and you share all the holidays in half so off it's two weeks during Christmas then he would get one of those weeks. But that was to hard for her soo she asked if we can split up the 30 days by doing 15 at start and 15 at end. And then still share holidays and that way we would only be paying for the trips, her health insurance, and gymnastics every month. So we said we would think about it and maybe try it. She was all good was going to type it up email to us have it signed. Then 30 minutes later texts me and says since she's deciding the scheduled she would prefer to only due 12 days at start of summer and then still share holidays that's it. But we would still be paying the other stuff....soo now it's kinda getting ugly cause I said maybe your right just go ahead and email my husband and see what he thinks (which I knew he wouldn't go for but I'm trying be nice to her).. she then another 20 minutes later texts me saying thanks for trying help and I'm not trying to be a jerk but I've been to the courts and know what to expect and you don't so you don't understand.
And I know some of you may know that I was an orphaned and got adopted when I was 11 and so I know the courts bc not only have I been a kid in those hard shoes like my step daughter but I've also had to be the parents for myself since I had to decide and I still work and help with agency who does this stuff. Not only that I'm a mother and in my eyes we at being vet understanding. But I didn't text back although what she said really hurts. My husband told me to reply and say she must have misunderstood bc I do understand very well being a child in the shoes and being a mother. But I haven't I hat don't think she will understand. Plus in my point of view she put herself in this mess although I can't complain otherwise I wouldn't have my amazing hubby. But she was the one that cheated and got divorce and now married to the guy having kids. soo no need to take it out on me or especially the child by having what I think is selfish idea of schedule. What you guys think. And if my hubby and I are wrong it's ok we haar got legal advice and then made it even less and not she wants even less which I think is crazy.
@Ashley_smashley
@perly

perly

I think you shouldn't reply to her because honestly you don't have to prove anything to her. And i also think that since your step daughter is with her for most of the year, she should at least spend half of the summer break with you.

Roxy

sry I'm no help or advice but wouldn't u want to be careful what u text her cause she might show it to the judge

Wilsomom

It sounds like you're being super nice & she shouldn't have said that at all. My ex lives 12 hours away & he was supposed to get the kids 4 weeks in the summer 2 different weeks at a time. (he never did though) I'm not sure why the courts like to split it up. I hope she works with you guys though so it doesn't have to be a big battle. She should realize your husband actually cares about his daughter & wants to spend time with her & that's a good thing. Some dads don't give a crap.

monkey_girl

It's a hard situation. I know that as a mother one day from my child would be too much for me to bare, so I can understand why she would want to do 15 days instead of 30.

jules

@perly thank you I haven't replied it's not worth, it. And she's still tested after that trying to see if we get her email like now she wants help. And then said let me know about the house. It's like I was going out of my way keeping u updated you didn't like it so now good luck waiting until my husband has the time and energy around his work schedule. And I agree cause that's what the lawyer says is normal since we're letting her stay her for the year.
@Roxy ya I can see that but I've never said anything rude if anything there are things that don't help her look good at all.
@wilsomom see that sounds like what the schedule we were explained and my husband does care he would follow through or if he couldn't due to work he would communicate. She is just selfish and thinks this is best for the daughter which is obviously not the case were mothers and know it's very important to spend time with the father.
@monkey_girl well that's what I said to her that I can understand that that's why I said it ok if she wants to split it up and she's was cool with that. But then later texts me saying actually since I'm deciding the schedule I think she should just go out there once for 12 days that's it. Which is crazy since she's supposed to be there 60 days in total.

starrxoxo9

I think it should be 50/50 right down the middle. 45 days in the summer each and either alternating or splitting holidays. To me that's the only fair way.

jules

@starrxoxo9 thank you I agree but she obviously doesn't think it's important to have her father around or something... I hope my husband can get her on the same page I don't want him to have to deal with the courts right now.

starrxoxo9

I mean I can understand not wanting to spend that much time away from your child, but it sounds more spiteful than that.

perly

Im so sorry it has to be like this. But if it has to go through the courts, then so be it. As long as you and your husband get a fair schedule, let it go as far as it needs to go.

Roxy

that's GD if u still got them cause u never know how ugly things could turn

jules

@starrxoxo9 I agree I can understand to I have child and haven't seen my biological family in 12 years but she's being spiteful your right.
@perly I would do that but don't now unfortunately it's fast move and we dint have time for the court stuff. That can take months. That's why were trying to work it out.
@roxy ya our lawyer said to always keep everything. soo we do. I hope and pray it doesn't get any uglier I have lots to worry about already trying move 6 our really fast with budget lol

captivated

Wow. She needs to start thinking about the best interests of her child, not what SHE can handle. I hate sending my daughter to NM to see her dad, but its what needs to be done for her! She is there now until April 4th! I didn't have to, but I set my issues aside...because that's what mothers do. GOOD mothers at least. Thankfully we have finally became friends and speak every day.

jules

@captivated ya it's really hard bc we have friends who are in similar situations and there's lots people out there but she always been that way I guess. She even told me today she has an anger problem and of someone upsets her she just goes off. Well everyone can see that in her but it's hard to see her being selfish a child should be with her dad too. But like my husband always says they all grow up and see the truth and no matter what she will always know we love her and support her and there for her and sometimes we can't control what others do but we will control ourselves BC at the end of the day the drama is hard on the kids too. And the more we push we might get time but she will always manipulate even if it causes pain to her child just to make sure we don't get to see her. And we just want her to be happy were the grown ups we can deal right? Her mom is really that way if we got more time like we used to she would make her feel soo bad that she was sad and bummed out the entire time she's here.

perly

What i meant is that, if she can't agree to a fair schedule before you move and it has to be settled in court then so be it. I know its unfortunate because it means that it'll be some time before something is established, but if you think about it the only other option you have is to agree to the schedule she wants whether its fair/equal or not. I really hope it doesn't have to go through the courts. Hopefully her lawyer can persuade her to agree to the schedule you and your husband would like so you can have that out of the way.
I agree with @captivated. If i ever have to go through something like this, im going to do everything in my power to ensure my kids have a good relationship with their father. If that means agreeing to sending them out of the city or state so they can be with him, then i'll do it.

jules

@perly yes I know she doesn't really have lawyer. So it's just her and probably her husband putting ideas in her head to. They both want to make my husband look careless since they both have messed up. She cheated on my husband with the guy she's married to now. And if we leave with no agreement she's one of those people who might go to court and say he just packed up and left that would not help my hubby in long run.

perly

Oh ok, i see. Well lets hope that God shines some light on her soul and she has a change of heart so this can be fixed fast for the sake of everyone especially your step-daughter.

jules

@perly thank you I sure pray for that all the time but unfortunately if she hasn't changed in last 3 years it's actually gotten worst then I have like faith in her sadly that she will have change of heart. But we can always pray for the best. It's just not far to my step daughter that's for sure.

perly

But your husband is absolutely right. When she grows up she'll see who's at fault and she'll take matters into her own hands.

jules

@perly exactly and I agree. I just don't like all the drama and manipulate she does it just doesn't sit well with me especially now that I'm a mother I just don't know how she thinks this is best thing to do?! But I'm trying to just focus on packing and doing whatever my husband needs me to do and also focus on my own baby girl. It's just time for me to realize that their daughter is not up to me and all I can do is pray BC my hubby already gates enough crap from her soo he needs support from me not pressure so IM trying stay out of it.