In need of relationship advice?!?! (trust issues)

second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
edited May 2011 in Pregnancy and fathers
So my husband and I have been together for almost 3 years married for 10 months and I have never trusted him, not that he has ever given me a reason not to I just don't. I was cheated on in every past relationship I have been in which is why I personally think I now trust no one, and although my husband is nothing like the men I have been with in the past, complete opposite actually I still feel cannot trust him. In his career he holds an "executive" position and has a reputation to uphold. He also has to deal with females on a daily basis and a lot of them. Me being the untrusting wife I am this drives me nuts. I go through his phone and get really upset because he talks to so many women and its part of his job they work for him so he has to communicate with them. His job also requires him to go out of town almost monthly for 2 or so days and the whole time he is out of town I worry sometimes I even make him talk to me all night so I know he is not doing anything. In the beginning of our relationship he would always just explain everything he did and he constantly dealt with being accused. After almost 3years I am still accusing and I can't tell he is starting to get tired of explaining every move he makes. I have a tracker on his phone so I always know where he is, I watch our bank account and make him explain or prove every purchase he makes, he is not allowed to carry cash because he could then buy something I would not know about, I check his phones every night I ease drop on all his conversations when he is home I go through his email accounts/FB and I check his underwear for cum stains (the only thing I'm really embarrassed to admit) after 3years I have never found anything sneaky or suspicious yet I can't just stop and trust him. I tried counseling and that didn't work out. I have no idea what else I can do I know this is ruining my marriage and putting a big wall between us I just don't know how to control it and it has completely taken over me. I talk to my friends and even some family about it and they just say its normal because of my past (they don't know the full extent of it) and its completely unfair to my husband and to be honest its driving me crazy too. And the fights over it I don't think I can handle much longer. Please if anyone can give any advice on marriage, relationships, trust issues from previous relationships I will take any advice. I am in desperate need of saving my marriage and being normal. Thanks in advance and sorry for the length.
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Comments

  • wallieheadbaby3wallieheadbaby3
    I think this is a very honest and sincere question. I get paranoid too sometimes and when I do I really hate the way it makes me feel. I wish I had an answer for you hun because it really seems like your suffering over this. I'm going to bump this in hopes some more people will answer this.
  • marriedwith_4marriedwith_4
    I hate to sound cruel but ur gonna kill ur marriage! It may be hard but u have to try to relax or ur gonna drive him crazy. Have u ever sat down n talked to him about ur insecurity? Just ask him to help u n be more patient with u cause u don't wanna lose him. Help u work thru it. The main thing is u can't accuse him of things and u have no proof.

    Good luck
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @wallieheadbaby3 thank you. I am suffering badly from it, its been going on 3 years to many and I want it to stop I just can't seem to figure out how. I see other people who never question or doubt their husbands when they have more reason to then I do and then there is me with an amazing man of god who can give no trust to him. I really does kill me.
  • lae3lae3
    i did this for a min.. it drove me nuts what worked for me was to stop all the investigations.. if you dont hav just cause.. just assume all is well.. the way my councler put it is.. so what if he cheats? theres nothing you can do to control certain situations so dont try.. and immagine if it did.. whats th worse case senareo.. and being pregnant makes u more insecure.. just try not to be so snoopy.. than you wont missinterpret lil things
  • mrs_shumrs_shu
    Maybe try couseling/therapy again. Just because it didn't work the first time doesn't mean it wont ever. Its good that you're aware that he's done nothing to warrant any of your behavior and that its not fair to punish him for what other people did. Maybe start cutting back whar you can. Check the bankaccounts but not eaves drop. It will show you are trying.
  • lae3lae3
    oh ya what do you do? do you work? spend time with friends.. sometime too much down time can make us crazy... caus what your doin isnt normal.. most people dont do all that unless they have just cause.. good luck.. and councling is not something that works overnight its an ongoingvthing an you have to try what the counclr tells you..
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @marriedwith_4 please don't take this as me being bitchy because I don't mean it that way but I know that its killing my marriage I said that several times, and I already am driving him crazy and far away from me in the process. I have sat down with him many times and he has been very understanding and offered to help me get through but my way of getting through it is basically questioning everything and doing what I normally do to try to catch him doing something wrong. for 3 years I have taken advantage of him being understanding by needing him to explain everything and then he realizes its no longer being understanding its him feeding my addiction I guess you could call it. I feel like I can justify my accusations because I do have proof he talked to Amy (for example) but where I accuse him of having phone sex or flirting he is saying hey I need you at this place doing this.(business)
  • lae3lae3
    doeant work ove night
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @lae3 ..... I am a stay home mom which I know is where part of the problem is. I don't have many friends and all of them work. That was basically what the counsler told me there is nothing you can do to stop him which I am aware of but I think my problem is not wanting to stop him or prevent it but knowing right away that he did rather than finding out months or years later. And honestly maybe even proving to my crazy that its right about guys.
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @mrs_shu I was in counseling for several years I think a lot plays into my trust issues and through the counsler was able to find out that not only is it past relationships but the fact that my father walked out on me a male family member molested me and I have honestly never had a good male roll model in my life every man I have ever trusted has taken advantage of me. I have always been in unfaithful/ abusive relationships and I feel like I'm just waiting for my prince charming to turn into the piece of shit I think all men are. As far as counseling she help me to determine that but still could never help or suggest ways to fix it or change myself
  • lae3lae3
    I understand but you are just driving him nuts and yourself as well.. do you have family near by.. anything.. would help.. getting hobby.. to pass time.. thats all i can say.. i dont have many friends.. myself cause i moved away from home and then moved agian a year ago.. from a place i made friends .. and left them.. so i get pretty lonely.. do you excersise.. i know that always helps boost my mood.. and also feel better about my appearence even though im preggers.. i really think you need to look inside yourself.. cause if your marriage doesnt make it.. you will carry this to your next relationship.. i used to get anxiety real bad and i would have to go on a walk to relieve it.. so i did.. and its not a cure all but it helps to ease that feeling ..
  • wallieheadbaby3wallieheadbaby3
    @second_time_mommy7 hun I'm a stay at home mom too. My hubby is an executive sales rep for a beauty supply chain. He sales beauty supplies to mostly women who own/work at all types of beauty places. He has to go on trips too a few a month in fact he's at one now. It's really hard knowing he's out all day everyday talking to beautiful women. They will text him constantly sometimes waking me up at night or early in the morning and yes I also check his phone. I use to all the time but not so much anymore. I do understand where your coming from. He is the first man I've ever trusted even a lil bit. Now I'm going to tell you something and I hope u don't hate me for it. I was unfaithful to him and I've told him. I was so set in my mind that all men were scum I didn't care for a long time if I lost him or not because I assumed it was just a matter of time before he did it to me. Once I finally realized what I had done to him by cheating I realized that I had not only hurt him but in turn hurt myself and my family by my actions. My point is I let all that distrust control me and in turn it blinded me from what a great man I have. Not all men are scum hun... it took me so long to see and almost destroyed me in the process. Try not to let the men in your past determine your future. Good luck with everything hun. I really hope u find some relief and some peace. I know how much it eats at you because I've been in that same place.
  • ethansmommy122ethansmommy122
    Try different therapists until u find one ur comfortable with and stick with it, it really will make a world of difference! And i hope this doesn't offend u but im just curious if you've been faithful and honest with him? Sometimes a guilty conscience will get in the way. If u haven't done anything then perhaps it is just ur past, and i still recommend a better therapist and maybe ur hubs could go with u from time to time. Good luck!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    edited May 2011
    Hmmm. Does he know you're like this? I personally think you cannot keep doing this. You can't make him pay for your other relationships mistakes. If he has never given you a reason you shouldn't have to be this way with him. Since finding no clue of infidelity I think you should learn to accept you got a good husband. I will admit I was like that but not as thorough but I was only like that cause I got with Mr Playa Playa Flirty Flirty. I think the bigger issue here is you can't learn to accept a good Guy because you're blindsided by all the wrongdoings of your past relationships. Hmmm. OK I studied this in psychology, and did this "mind routine". Look at his picture. Just stare at it. Its somewhat of a brain teaser/washer but it worked for me. Tell yourself "he's good, he's good to me. He loves me and he's accepted every being of me. I deserve you." Its kind of like a vow to your insecurities. I mean you can add things. And you can do this for as long as it takes you to "recover" from your insecurities. I did that for months and it helped. Just be thankful you have a good man who adores you and with females around at work has never been tempted to stray. Just learn to accept he IS a good man and that he's not like anyone in your past. Comparing him to your past will not get your marraige far. You being very insecure will not only drive you're marraige up the wall but you're gonna drive yourself crazy. You don't deserve the stress insecurities bring. I hope my advice helped. Good luck.
  • jellybeaning11jellybeaning11
    you have a very understanding husband. don't mean to offend you but if i was him i would of left a long time ago.i would keep at the counselling and try stop things one by one like make it a goal to stop checking the bank account for a week then a month etc wean yourself off it. it sounds like its turned into such a habit. also try find a new hobby go for walks. hope it gets better!
  • sara102011sara102011
    Eventually after beinf accused of beinf unfaithful and being treated like he is unfaithful he will be unfaithful. People can only take so much.
  • kenziesmom216kenziesmom216
    i have been cheated on in the past several times and my fiance also my baby dad knows that .. i went thru this stage for a long time with him . but i pushed him so far away to the point were he wouldnt talk to me at all cause i was accusing him so much and going thru his stuff but i just couldnt help it . i was paranoid and scared and worried all the time but i learned to trust him and no that he would never hurt me . things will get better just needa give it some time . good luck .
  • ashley_smashleyashley_smashley
    Ok..I am not trying to be mean or harsh here...but I really would like to know why you decided to marry someone who you didnt trust...I mean trust is the cornerstone to any great marriage..and if you have no trust for him (warranted or otherwise) then why did you marry him?

    I agree with the other ladies, that you need counsiling, both separate and together. It doesnt work overnight..its going to take time because your fear is so deeply imbedded into you.
  • mikeyt6969mikeyt6969
    When he leaves u, just know that he was justified b/c ur a whack job. Get some help! He's not ALLOWED to carry cash and u have a cell tracker? I sure hope u don't have kids,
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @mikeyt6969 Firstly I am well aware that I have a problem and need to get some help but thank you kindly for ignorant comment, Secondly he won't leave me and has not even asked me to get help I am doing it as a decision that I made for both of us, and calling me a "whack job" was completely uncalled for. And FYI I do have a child with him and am pregnant now hinse the PREGNANCY WEBSITE I am a member of. I have aslo seen that you became a member today and viewed your comments towards people and Rude and Ignorant comments are not tolerated on pregly so maybe you should read the rules at the very top of the discussions tab and if you cannot abide by them, try not commenting.
  • rachdbrachdb
    @mikey6969 obviously she's some one that needs help and she know she does. I think that was just pain rude!!
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @ashley_smashley I almost included this is my first comment because it is something I thought about before we got married and still today. I have always been well aware that trust is the biggest part of any relationship, however we decided to go through with our marriage because we do love each other very much and and want to spend the rest of our lives together. My trust issues are not with my husband they are with men in general. Its not like I married a man I COULDN'T trust, I married a man that deserves trust to no end. This is a problem is with me and trust in general. Trust me nothing you said was harsh or mean I beat myself up over this everyday. thank you for your input
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @kenziesmom216 Thank you it is good to know that there is someone out there that has had similar issues and was able to overcome them. Many people would not admit it and I applaud you for that. I am so blessed to have such an understanding husband he has never once tried to push me away after 3 years of this although I can tell it hurts him more than anything. I cannot imagine how it would feel to be in his situation and not be trusted be the one you love the most. If you don't mind me asking did this go on in your relationship for a while or were you able to overcome it quickly, also was there anything you tried that helped you get past it or was it just the fear of losing him once he distanced himself from you?
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @jellybeaning11 I know and that hurts me the most because he has stuck by me through it all and the fact that he loves me enough to stick through this and still I cannot trust him absolutely boggles me. I do think some of it has alot of just habit behind it heck its become part of my daily routine. thank you very much for your advice.
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @HajisBabylovee When I read this it brought tears to my eyes. You said that you had some (not so major) trust issues because you got with playa playa flirty flirty, my husband I aslo a BIG flirt and I think some of my insecurities are because we did meet at work so I think that he is going to find someone else at his work now. I am going to work on the "mind routine" and I think this is a great idea. If you have anymore "mind routines" that you think may help as well please share:) thank you for you wonderful advice and hopefully this works!
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @ethansmommy122 It does not offend me at all and I have went over and over this because I thought that could be the cause. When we were dating (not official) I was still talking to my ex, my now husband did not know about it and I never messed around with my ex while dating my now husband we never even hung out just text flirted. I didn't at the time know where my relationship with my now husband was going for one because he was my manager and two because he was getting promoted and moving 13 hours away and at this time we had been on one date and I did not think it was serious not to meantion a long distance relationship possibility and the fact that we had been dating for less than 2 weeks before he moved. This was the only thing that I could have possibly had a guilty consience over and I told my husband about it before our wedding thinking that may be my cure and that was not it unfortunatly.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @wallieheadbaby3 My husband is on a trip now to thats what usually sparks the crazy in me lol, I also had that same mind set but never acted on it I could not bring myself to do it because I know even if he was to cheat on me I would not want to put him through the pain of that, thankfully I am out of that mind set because I know if I ever went through with it he would have left me and not thought twice about it. I have also gotten alot better at how often I do "check" on him but I still do it way to often to be healthy or even normal I know alot of women who sneak and go through their husbands things not as thorough as me and alot of people think its healthy to just peek I agree with this but mine has exceeded anything normal. thank you so much for your advice I am testing my self control today and tonight he is out of town and I am going to try my hardest to be normal:)
  • second_time_mommy7second_time_mommy7
    @Mommy_of_two I mentioned this in a previous comment and I know that he will cheat no matter what I do if he has a cheating heart. It's not that I actually want to prevent it or think I can. I just want to know as soon as it happens so I can leave him if he does and not be like the women that are so nieve that their man has been cheating for years and they still have not figured it out. (I know lots of them) I have always feared the unknown and I try my hardest to find out everything I don't know because the thought of not knowing drives me nuts!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    I have had very similar experiences in life as you have. Pregnancy makes me crazy about stuff like that. But I have just learned to get past it. Councelling has never worked for me. I have to come to terms with things on my own. I keep a journal where I put all my crazyness. I feel like once its on paper I don't need to bug my dh with my irrational moments. Sure I cry and freak out. But it usually goes away after I write it out and I feel relieved. Good luck!
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