very hurt

grantsgirl88grantsgirl88
edited July 2012 in Relationships
My husband told me last night that he doesnt think he is in love with me anymore. We have been trying to work on things for a while now but i think he has finally given up. He says he doesnt want a divorce and still wants to stay together...but how am i supposed to do that when the man clearly doesnt love me. I am so hurt and confused. I thought we were doing amazing. I was all happy and everything then we have one little argument and bam he doesn't love me. I dont want to be without him. I thought a while back about giving up but i realized that my life would be so much more empty without him. He literally is my better half. But now i feel like he doesnt feel the same way about me. I know i have changed. I became a mom...i am a parttime student and i am very active in fishing tournaments. But i include him. I do have a lot on my plate and so does he....but i just wish he would want to conquer it together. Please ....any advice would help. Should i stay or should i just start moving on? Oh and he wont do marriage counseling.
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Comments

  • cheekyerincheekyerin
    Is maybe tell him how u feel tell him u cannot be there just because Ur married there has to be love or it won't work
  • cheekyerincheekyerin
    U have to do what's right for u n kids
  • dadof2n1togodadof2n1togo
    If he's not willing to work on it with you there's not much you can do. There has to be a reason why he feels this way but he needs to communicate this with you.

    I have been going through a lot of similar things with my wife and often questioned if I should stay or go. We have spoken but are yet to really work anything out with our relationship, other than we are in trouble.

    All I can say is while he wants to stay for the kids you need to consider how that will impact them. All the best with what you decide though.
  • captivatedcaptivated
    You can never make someone love you and want to be with you. I learned this the hard way. Your kid(s) deserve to be in a happy home in which both parents love each other. You cannot carry the burden of a relationship and trying alone. You need to move on as you deserve someone who wants to dedicate their time and efforts toward you.
  • Mrz_JacksonMrz_Jackson
    I agree wit captivated, I culd never be wit sumone that was not in love or did love me don't go for that u deserve the best :)
  • YNVTishYNVTish
    edited July 2012
    @granysgirl88 ... THAT'S YOUR HUSBAND... YOU DON'T LEAVE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Just hang in there! This is normal. All couples fall in and out of love. It's important that you make time for him and to make him feel special. Thank him for being honest and sharing his feelings and let him know that you would like for you guys to get the fire back in your relationship.

    He never said he was leaving he just said he wasn't in love.. it doesn't mean he doesn't love you... The Passion is just gone right now.

    Just because you're into this tournament doesn't mean he will be. And he may be like me... When I feel like an event or situation is taking away from my quality time I react negatively to it. Even if I'm interested in it.

    It's time for you to pull out all the stops and win your honey over again.
  • YNVTishYNVTish
    Marriage takes work.. lots and lots of work.
  • YNVTishYNVTish
    @mom2ing ... You can't blame him for wanting more time with @grantsgirl88 .. I'm confused, why is that a bad thing. She should be jumping for joy. That comment he stated right there shows that he's still in love with her. HE WANTS MORE OF HER... daaaaa ... LOL

    regardless of what people have going on in their lives they HAVE TO make time for their spouse. You have to remember where everything started.

    Please believe Obama makes time for Michelle and he's the busiest man in America
  • YNVTishYNVTish
    edited July 2012
    @mom2ing... I'm going to school as well. I'm gettiing my masters.. I'm a SAHM with 4 kids, my spouse brings home the money and I do ALL THE WORK in the home... My grades are perfect and my kids are also overwhelming. I have a 11 month old, 8 yr old, 11 yr old and a 19 yr old. I have a child that's in EVERY STAGE A LIFE... now if that don't stress someone out.

    Still... It only takes 1 hour out of 24 to make someone feel special. Even 1 hour out of an entire week can save your relationship.
    I'm sorry but I would throw my Masters away and let me house go to the shits if it ment me saving my marriage.

    You have to figure out what's a priority to you.. your education is not a priority over your marriage and house work can wait an hour.

    I guess I'm just one down ass chick... I'll ride or die for my honey. This is some Bonnie and Clyde shit here... LOL
  • 5lilangels5lilangels
    Never leave your partner especially in a fire....
  • MijitaMijita
    edited July 2012
    @YNVTish, I agree with you! We are the same age, and I think that plays a factor in our ”old school ways.” This is a prime example as to why the divorce rate is so high. Marriage is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and we need to comprehend and expect the dips life offerrs, this is what makes a marriage work and gives it sustenance. I can assure you that after 14 years of marriage I have had moments where I felt I didn't love my husband, it's perfectly normal. What's not normal is when there is a mutual disrespect for each others feelings.

    I believe he was crying out to you for attention. He wants to feel loved and you may be missing that cue. Just cause your content with how things are going doesn't mean he is and may not be feeling as satisfied as you. It is your job to help him attain that satisfaction (to a degree). Good luck and don't lose hope, Mike, @dadof2n1togo can attest to that.
  • YNVTishYNVTish
    @mom2ing ... I love you girl.. RMAO

    You're like ... What does love have to do with my MONEY! LOL

    My honey and I are in our 30s so we totally understand that we're last priority in our relationship and we have to take a back seat to everything. But shhhhhoot I still occasionally will cop a tude if I don't get my QT time.

    I'm a Scorpio so if we go too long without sex I feel like our relationship is almost over. Yes.. I have drama for your momma if I don't get my occasional Passion sex-capades
  • pregoagainYAYpregoagainYAY
    Talk to him ma.....he misses you that to me tells me he doesnt want to leave he said it to get your attention to I guess show you he means business.....He is screaming for attention I hate to admit it but I have also done this to my husband it doesnt make it right but after 100 times trying to talk to him and getting no where I was at my wits end and since then things have been much better......I wish you luck sweetie fight for your marriage because if nothing else you can say you gave it your all
  • captivatedcaptivated
    @YNVTish, busiest man in America. Oh man. Over 100 days of golfing since 2008, 18 vacations...yes ma'am! So busy! ;)

    But you did change my view slightly on the topic at hand. You and @mijita. I think it is worth trying to work out, BUT if he is out, not in love anymore and refuses counseling, what is she supposed to do? Stick it out just to say she "tried"? That's not how one fixes any relationship. There IS a time to call it quits. I do think this may not be one of them though because it sounds like it was just an argument that made him say things he did not truly mean.
  • MijitaMijita
    @captivated, I agree that when it's over, it's over. I think both parties know when it's over because usually the mutual respect is gone. I don't believe this instance is the case because she's extremely content and was blindsided by his admission, which leads me to believe he shows her love and respect. I think he was having an emotional break and was crying out for attention. We all do from time to time and doesn't justify giving up totally or calls for immediate divorce. Every relationship worked for a reason and sometimes we need to do a little soul searching because as we age we change and as a relationship we have to acclimate, and we all know too well most humans HATE change.
  • pregoagainYAYpregoagainYAY
    I agree 100% ^
  • captivatedcaptivated
    Very well said @mijita. I agree. We often say things out of anger. If we left after every fight, man, we'd be in trouble. I get where you ladies are coming from.
  • My2BoysMy2Boys
    I don't think you should have to give up school or work for your spouse. Under certain circumstances, maybe. But if your spouse is supposed to be your partner in life and helping you achieve your dreams and goals. Not making you quit what you love to spend more time with them. Obviously you need to spend time together, but there supposed to support you, you both need to come to a compromise on how you are going to spice up your relationship, not just give up.
  • WilsomomWilsomom
    "...for better or WORSE till death do you part..." Lol :D
  • grantsgirl88grantsgirl88
    Thanks everyone. He has finally agreed to go on a 4 day marriage retreat. I think this will help us and allow us to have some fun as well. I think he is really stressed and taking it out on me bc he knows i wont leave. My family is to important to give up. I do believe in for better or for worse. I really appreciate everyones insight!
  • kayleigh27kayleigh27
    I hope things work out!
  • dadof2n1togodadof2n1togo
    Well the fact that he has agrees to this retreat means he hasn't given up either. I think it sounds like he is lonely and feeling unimportant. Just remember us guys minds work very differently to you ladies, which often is the cause of many arguments.
  • grantsgirl88grantsgirl88
    @dadof2n1togo...i feel like there is still a pretty big void between my husband and i still. Like for instance...our anniversary is on friday and we have an all weekend sitter. I am not sure if i should plan something or wait for him to. Also a couple months ago we were talking about trying for another baby which is of course on hpld but now i feel weird to even bring up future children. Like saying well when we have a little girl this or what if its another boy. I feel like the future isnt all there with us anymore. Hard to explain so sorry if it sounds crazy. Do you have any advice on maybe whats going on in his head. I have been very nice to him and catered to him even more than normal lately to show him that even through the worst times i will always try to be my best for him. Is there a point of going overboard with the niceness?
  • dadof2n1togodadof2n1togo
    It is a hard one really because he doesn't seem to want to say why he feels that way. He obviously wants to try otherwise he wouldn't do the retreat. All I can suggest is to keep trying for now and have some patience.

    Has anything changed or happened lately that could be worrying him?
  • MommyLovesSparkleMommyLovesSparkle
    You need to win your man back! like ynvtish said "just because he's not IN love with you dont mean he dont love you." If he fell for you once MOST DEF he will fall for you again. Find that spark and light it up.. (even if it means playing hookie to a few fishing tournaments.) ;)
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