I Never Thought

edited July 2011 in Depression
Remember girls, I told you to trust your instincts. I trusted mine, and I was right.

I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3. We had the perfect life, we were happy. Until today.

He works in California, I live in Michigan. I suspected something the other night as we were outside. He said "There's something that has to stay between us." He left to the bathroom, and came back. I didn't want to push the issue, but in my heart I knew.

I asked him earlier this month if he was being unfaithful. He said I had his whole heart. I believed him. He came home for the birth of our daughter on July 8th. He was very secretive about his phone since he's been home. I'm not a snoopy person when it comes to him. But this morning, I had the urge.

As he slept, I opened his text messages. "Jacob" was at the very top. I opened the folder, and there were several messages saying how they had fallen for my husband. "Jacob" said the past two months have been amazing. My husbands response; "I'm glad I make you happy Bonita."

I'm not sure what to do. He's crying and I'm just severely hurt and disappointed. I never thought my perfect husband would be just like every other man. We haven't fought about it. I'm more or less numb. This can't be happening. I hope I wake up from this nightmare soon.
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  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • @mama0811 Thank you. I'm so numb.
  • omg im sorry you have to go through this :( , He is lucky he isnt my husband, if he was, he would had been gone by now. but is your decision.
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  • Just as you trusted your instincts, you must now trust your heart. Is this something you can recover from? Do you wish to allow him another chance. If so, with stipulations? I.E... no more out of town work, confronting "jacob" so she is aware that she is also being played.... I personally couldn't live with the constant wonder of infidelity... I've tried... but if he is worth a second chance, you must do everything in your power to forgive and move forward, or trust me, you will end up torturing yourself. Im sorry love.
  • @FirstTimeMommyToBe He admitted he's been sleeping with her.

    @sissylala She has no clue that he's married. I wouldn't know how to tell her.
  • Oh I am so sorry to hear this, my friend went through something similar with her hubby after her 3rd baby had been born, they split up and shes happy with that choice. No one can tell you what to do and I wouldnt try all I can say is talk to him, find out everything even if it hurts to hear it then make a decision. Its easier said that done to walk away from someone you love.
  • Oh I am so sorry to hear this, my friend went through something similar with her hubby after her 3rd baby had been born, they split up and shes happy with that choice. No one can tell you what to do and I wouldnt try all I can say is talk to him, find out everything even if it hurts to hear it then make a decision. Its easier said that done to walk away from someone you love.
  • @fate... you would want to know. I suggest either having your husband call in front of you (on speaker) or you calling her, but she has the right to know.. or you could walk away from it all and let it he his problem. I just fear if you stay and she isn't aware of you and the situation, there's a good chance he may never end it..
  • I'm so hurt for you! The two of you need to have a long talk about everything. I hope it was just an awful mistake he's made they he won't ever make again and that you can learn to trust him again.
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  • @fate What cell phone company do you guys have? Tmobile has and online service that you can check how many minutes you have talked to another number and how many text messages you have sent each other, maybe your cellphone company has that service too so you can check how long ago has he been cheating on you :( , and you can always talk to the lady.. she has to know she is destroying you. some people care
  • im sorry love :( i dnt know why men do these things (not saying women are angels) but dammit man! why now?! why after so many years of marriage?! why right after the birth of his daughter!? thats the most baffling part of all...i cant really give you advise as this is something that you have to figure out...this is your husband, your relationship...you have to think about whether this is something you can live with or not...can you trust him again!? he admitted it to you, so he came clean...even after that, is that enough for you!? i know you must be feeling overwhelmed right now...but try to relax as much as you can...you have the most precious daughter EVER! if 'jacob' didnt know about you, then clearly she has no fault in it...talk to him...be VERY clear and blunt with him...the ball is in your court now - unless he plain out says that he doesnt want to be with you anymore...take some time off 2 urself 2 think about everything...ultimately, i know that no matter what you would still want to be with him...& i dont blame you...but you have 2 think about URSELF & ur daughter FiRST! things are different now...try do avoid fighting...try to just talk about it...this is a very touchy subject & wish i could give you more advise...this happened 2 me as well...but in my situation, my 'husband' just flat out didnt want to be with me anymore...so i had no choice but 2 move on...i suffered a lot, but the path that i went trough with him, lead me to the life i currently have - beyond happy in my relationship expecting my fist son! remember, everything happens for a reason & everything has perfect timing! you may not know the reason now, but in time, everything will be VERY clear! TRUST ME! after 3 years of being separated from my husband, i see everything perfectly and understand why everything happened the way it did! even tho time seems like 4ever, IT WILL heal your wounds...just sit tight, love your kids & most importantly, dont 4get to LOVE YOURSELF!
  • & BTW, i just went in2 ur page on FB then went in2 ur husbands page, somebody needs 2 do 2 him what his default picture shows!!! X(
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  • I went through a situation like what @sissylala described with my ex. His other gf showed up at his place unannounced while I was there and that's how we both found out about each other. I made the mistake of letting him deal with the situation and he didn't break up with her. He just kept seeing her behind my back. I felt so stupid when I saw a hickey on his neck and I constantly beat myself up for not ending it with him. Do what your instinct tells you regarding your relationship, but the other woman needs to know.
  • @fate im here for u hun love ya if u need to talk
  • I'm so sorry that you have to go through this :( And you just had a baby?? What was/is he thinking?? I don't know what to say, just that I am so sorry and you will be in my thoughts! Wish there was more that we could all do to help. I know everyone would like to scoop you up in their arms right now....and kick him in the balls.
  • I went through this with my hubby a few years back. Everyone can advise ypu what to do, but only you can make the decision. The best advise I got was... The choice you make now doesn't have to be the end result. You can change your mind at any point. And also, I made him call her on speaker phone and tell her everything. I then stamped on his phone. Good luck hunny, and trust your heart x x
  • I've yet to make a decision. He said he regrets it. I do love him. But he obviously doesn't need me or he wouldn't have done it. Two months is a long time to be cheating. I am trying to keep it together for my kids' sake, they deserve a better life than this.

    Once a cheater, always a cheater.
  • im so sorry! talk about ppd at it's worst. except it's husband induced! i have thought if it ever happened to me what i would do or how i would react. i would probably react the same way you are- numb, hurt, confused. in the end i know as much as i love him, and as much as my kids would want their parents to be together i wouldn't be able to forgive him. even 20 yrs later i would still think "is he with someone" if he was but 2 minutes late from the store, etc. :-(( it's not fair. but i would absolutely have him in on the conversation with the other woman. i would say allow him to sit by, call on speaker and tell her who you are and your home life (how many kids, how old they are, you just gave birth) and then allow him to try and justify to both of you. he needs to feel the wrath
  • I'm also hurting for you right now @fate. I'm so sorry that some men can be inconsiderate jerks. Personally, I don't understand how someone could cheat to begin with, let ALONE on someone they are married to that just had their baby. As other's have said, it depends on if you feel that you can ever get over it. Personally, I was so hormonal right after I had my baby that my husband pulled that, I would have probably been seen on an episode of the SNAPPED show on Oxygen. Sadly, not even kidding. That is ridiculous though, if he is crying, then he probably should be. But, you are right about being a cheater.

    If there is one thing that I learned from my parent's marriage, where my dad cheated on my mother, it's that... cheaters almost always continue to cheat. If you can justify it once, it's much easier to justify it more times than that.

    I'm sorry dear. Whatever you decide, just remember that the baby is not replaceable, and if need be, a husband definitley is. He's the one that is betraying his family, and showing his child, and mother of his child no respect. A real man doesn't cheat.. Hopefully things will get better for you.
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  • My heart goes out to you.
  • I'm sorry :( I had this happen (simiar, though it was an exgf of his and she knew he had a family and a wife). I will write you again when I am on the computer, but for now take care of you and that baby. I had to make him leave for a few days just to wrap my head around it all. I'm so sorry! It changes so much, and makes you feel so bad.just thinking about it mmakes me sick to my stomach and its been 9 yrs (we are still together). I'm here if you need me. I will send you a FB message this evening. You are strong and capable, no matter what YOU will be okay!
  • I just...never expected this. I left earlier with baby Corri. Needing that alone time to think. But I couldn't stay gone. I still wanted to be near him. I've spent the last 8 years knowing nothing but him. I never thought my heart could break. I'm usually so strong. Thanks everyone. Your kind words have gotten me through my day for the most part. I can feel your love and I'm so thankful. I love you ladies.
  • Take care of yourself, love. I understand wanting to be near him and yearn to feel like you did the day before your heart was crushed. It happened. Now you have to decide what's best for YOU. and if you think he has the potential of being the man he was 2 months ago,than salvage it! But please don't put yourself through any more pain than he'd already put you through. If hes truly sorry, he will find a job close to home and end it with her. In front of you. You deserve that at the very least.
  • @sissylala I gave him a choice. He can either call her in front of me, and try like hell to make it up to me and the kids, or he can live this single life that he feels he wants. He hasn't answered yet.
  • @fate... GOOD. Take your power back. Do NOT let him feel like he can get away with this. Don't make this easy on him for fear of pushing him away, he needs to FIGHT to stay close! And if he cant call her, let him go. He's not worth the heartache. HOPEFULLY he will see what all he has to lose and how damn special you and those babies are before its too late. I've said a prayer for you, I hope it helps.
  • edited July 2011
    @sissylala Thank you. I can use every prayer in this situation. I'm trying so hard to focus on raising my daughters. I think he wanted to give up lastnight. Not sure. I know that he doesn't plan on calling her to tell her the truth. I feel bad that he did this to her. Let alone, me. He did agree to change his phone number and to block her number from calling/texting. I guess that's a start. I may get ahold of her number and call her myself. I dunno yet. I'm still confused and I honestly think I'm in shock still. I'm embarrassed, to tell you the truth. I can't lose my focus though. The girls really need me right now, and they are the only ones who can put a smile on my face right now.
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