Will He Continue?
He reminded me of when we first met... He was almost shy.
The kids were sleeping, and he was in the shower (or so I thought). For about 20 minutes I enjoyed the silence and took a moment to think to myself.
What if doesn't work out? What if he cheats again? Am I prepared to be a single mother? Will my family support me emotionally? Will he still be there for his daughters? If we work out, will I ever find him attractive again? Does he think I'm pretty still? What am I worth to him? How can he say he loves me if he broke my heart? Will my kids think it's their fault if we do get divorced? What did I do to make him turn to another woman? All of these questions will be pondered on over the next few weeks or months.
My thought process was just insanely high strung. He came out of the bathroom, with dry hair, and the same clothes on. Wth? My first thought; That big jerk was on the phone in there...! He doesn't even respect me enough to leave the suite to make calls?!
My second thought; He was masturbating. HAHAHA! He's gonna be doing that for a long tiiiime!
To my surprise, he came over to me, took my hand and lead me to the bathroom. The look in his eyes, it was like he was looking into my soul. The kind of feeling like he actually cared that he hurt me. I could feel him trying to crawl inside my chest with a little sewing needle, searching for every piece of my heart that was scattered in my body. Trying to fit them together so it would be mended. His tear drops landing on each broken part before stitching it back together. He put my hand on his chest, and hugged me close. His heart pounding beneath me. For a moment, I felt his love. We walked slowly to the bathroom. (My third thought; Great, he's gonna show me a big turd or something. "Baby look how big it is!") I stood in the doorway and gasped.
The scent coming from the room, similar to standing in a cookie factory. Flowers and candles covering every square inch. Floating candles in the jacuzzi. He wasn't taking a shower, he was running me a bath! I was so stunned. He bought atleast 150 candles. When he got them, I don't know. I paid very little attention to him today. I spent most of my time trying to keep up with the girls and nursing/cuddling baby Corrine.
I am very ashamed of my body right now, as a result of him cheating. Do I get in? Walk out? I certainly don't feel comfortable with him seeing me naked. I think he sensed my dilemma. He reached to the counter and handed me my bathing suit. That's when I ALMOST cried. But not quite. He leaves so I can undress and get my bathing suit on. He knocks softly, and comes back in. He holds my hand again, and helps me into the tub. The water feels nice. He takes his pants off, revealing his swim trunks. I smiled inside. He slowly climbs in (we haven't spoken one word yet). He strokes my hair and sweeps it behind my ear.
He looks at me and says "I know your eyes like the back of my hand, how can I make them stop showing so much hurt? I love you, and only you." I don't respond. I look away and feel his heart sink with a long sigh. He rubs my back and legs. I lean back and rest my head on his chest. His heart rate picks up. I love him to death, but I don't want to feel any more pain. We sit there, soaking for a long while. I was so tired, I wanted to lay down. We get out and dressed, head to the bed. He sueezes me so tightly. For THREE hours. No talking. No TV. Just him holding me and staring at me. I drift to sleep....
I cannot deny that I enjoyed feeling loved again. But he still has a ton of work to do. One night of love isn't gonna cut it. I need a lifetime. He promised me 50 years. I'll accept nothing less.
The kids were sleeping, and he was in the shower (or so I thought). For about 20 minutes I enjoyed the silence and took a moment to think to myself.
What if doesn't work out? What if he cheats again? Am I prepared to be a single mother? Will my family support me emotionally? Will he still be there for his daughters? If we work out, will I ever find him attractive again? Does he think I'm pretty still? What am I worth to him? How can he say he loves me if he broke my heart? Will my kids think it's their fault if we do get divorced? What did I do to make him turn to another woman? All of these questions will be pondered on over the next few weeks or months.
My thought process was just insanely high strung. He came out of the bathroom, with dry hair, and the same clothes on. Wth? My first thought; That big jerk was on the phone in there...! He doesn't even respect me enough to leave the suite to make calls?!
My second thought; He was masturbating. HAHAHA! He's gonna be doing that for a long tiiiime! To my surprise, he came over to me, took my hand and lead me to the bathroom. The look in his eyes, it was like he was looking into my soul. The kind of feeling like he actually cared that he hurt me. I could feel him trying to crawl inside my chest with a little sewing needle, searching for every piece of my heart that was scattered in my body. Trying to fit them together so it would be mended. His tear drops landing on each broken part before stitching it back together. He put my hand on his chest, and hugged me close. His heart pounding beneath me. For a moment, I felt his love. We walked slowly to the bathroom. (My third thought; Great, he's gonna show me a big turd or something. "Baby look how big it is!") I stood in the doorway and gasped.
The scent coming from the room, similar to standing in a cookie factory. Flowers and candles covering every square inch. Floating candles in the jacuzzi. He wasn't taking a shower, he was running me a bath! I was so stunned. He bought atleast 150 candles. When he got them, I don't know. I paid very little attention to him today. I spent most of my time trying to keep up with the girls and nursing/cuddling baby Corrine.
I am very ashamed of my body right now, as a result of him cheating. Do I get in? Walk out? I certainly don't feel comfortable with him seeing me naked. I think he sensed my dilemma. He reached to the counter and handed me my bathing suit. That's when I ALMOST cried. But not quite. He leaves so I can undress and get my bathing suit on. He knocks softly, and comes back in. He holds my hand again, and helps me into the tub. The water feels nice. He takes his pants off, revealing his swim trunks. I smiled inside. He slowly climbs in (we haven't spoken one word yet). He strokes my hair and sweeps it behind my ear.
He looks at me and says "I know your eyes like the back of my hand, how can I make them stop showing so much hurt? I love you, and only you." I don't respond. I look away and feel his heart sink with a long sigh. He rubs my back and legs. I lean back and rest my head on his chest. His heart rate picks up. I love him to death, but I don't want to feel any more pain. We sit there, soaking for a long while. I was so tired, I wanted to lay down. We get out and dressed, head to the bed. He sueezes me so tightly. For THREE hours. No talking. No TV. Just him holding me and staring at me. I drift to sleep....
I cannot deny that I enjoyed feeling loved again. But he still has a ton of work to do. One night of love isn't gonna cut it. I need a lifetime. He promised me 50 years. I'll accept nothing less.
Comments
u deserved all the attention he gave u tonight and tons more.. good luck
Im proud of you momma!!
Sidenote....wow, write much! Holy cow! I also felt like I was reading a page from a juicy novel! All of your honesty and raw emotion was so easy to relate to (paragraph about coming out with dry hair) You should keep a journal of this whole experience, might be helpful to write all of your emotions down throughout the process, may help you work through this??
I agree with @dec10 and others who suggested counseling. Being sorry and swearing to never do it again is all well and good but he needs to find out the why. The underlying reasons of what caused him to do it and continue. Like @sissylala says he didn't just cheat he had an affair, an actual relationship which to me is more damaging than a one night stand.
ps. you have amazing writing skills so easy to read..write a story it would be Amazing to read
@FirstTimeMommyToBe But how for will his effort go. I don't mean to make you or anyone else cry, for some reason my emotions BLEED on paper.
@dec10 I suggested counseling, but when I really think about it, I'm afraid it will only make him not want to be in this marriage. I mean, he's gonna have to listen to me vent about how I think his manparts are gross now. The thought of someone elses vajayjay and lips were wrapped around my husbands schlong, makes me SICK.
@mrs_shu You're right. I do take a small amount of comfort in that, but at the same time, if they consider me any sort of sister or friend, they should have told me what was going on. Obviously he cheated because I'm not able to keep him happy anymore.
@Ladynplus1momma Thank you. Like I said before though, my emotions bleed on paper.
@OregonMama I love you! I pray that everything just gets better too. Not just for me, but for him as well. He stalks my Facebook now... I can't even update without him getting all weird and asking questions. I'm not the one who cheated, you are! Makes me wanna delete him. I untagged him from all of my photos and removed our anniversary. I don't know why, but it made me feel a little better. Thanks for your undying support. I truly consider you a great friend.