I hate myself.. i'm so weak

pawgio

Yesterday I asked Talon to come stay at my house so we could talk some more. I thought talking would help make me feel better and we have a doctors appointment today so it was just more convenient since he doesn't have a license. Part of me just really needed him to be around.. I thought it would make the hole in my chest stop burning.. we got to talking and he answered all of my questions, but it still hurt.. we talked for hours.. I had every intention of making him sleep on the couch, but when it came down to it I just wanted him to hold me all night.. we laid in my bed and kept talking, not just about what happened but everything. I was still hurting and just kept thinking.. could things be the same? If I kiss him will it still feel the same way? I thought about it for a long time.. I had to know.. I leaned over and kissed him and then I just couldn't stop.. it hurt so much, but in a good way.. I needed him so badly and he started crying and pulling me closer and the kisses weren't stopping.. I just wanted to be closer.. our clothes came off and he kissed me all over still crying, I couldn't control my breathing it was frantic, we had long slow passionate sex.. it was amazing and so hurtful all at the same time I loved it.. he just kept saying I love you baby I'm so sorry.. when it was over he laid on my chest and just cried. I regretted it as soon as it was over.. I started crying and saying I hate myself it was too soon and I have no self control and I'm weak.. he told me he was sorry and shouldn't have let it happen and we wouldn't have sex anymore. I eventually fell asleep and this morning I woke up and remembered what happened and I'm so confused I can't believe I let that happen.. am I a horrible person?

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Fate

Hun! These are all normal feelings! Believe me. Give him time to make it up to you.

pawgio

@mrsg @fate thank you ladies.. I'm just so confused right now, I hope this gets easier

mommyofstacy

I really hope things work out for u!

pawgio

@mommyofstacy thank you I do too

cheryl74

My hubby had an affair 5 years ago and a few days later I did the same thing. I felt so stupid (although the sex was amazing) but then I realised that by not taking him back after made it harder for him cause he thought he had mw back. It took time and still now I get down days but were stronger than ever and I'm 34 weeks with our 3rd child. He is a completely different man. I honestly believe a man can change. The best advice I got when it happened was, if I took him back. I could always change my mind at any point. Just do what you feel right. Good luck hunny x x x

traci84lucas

I have been reading all your posts and just hope everything works out for you!

pawgio

@addi3886 I hope you're right, I really want to get past this..

@cheryl74 I hate that he thinks are okay now, he's been singing all morning and I'm still so upset. I told him things still might now work out, but now he's pretty convinced that they will

@traci84lucas thank you I appreciate the support

cheryl74

Rob was the same, be just assumed all was ok.....so without him knowing I packed.his stuff, put it in the boot at drove him 200 miles to his mums, he thought it was for us to spend time together sorting things out.. when he for outta the car and got the bags....I drove home lol. We talked every night on the phone and as I said, were stronger than ever now. Please understand though, it was Effin hard. But, I love him and I know he.loves me. I'm here if you wanna talk ever x x x

pawgio

@cheryl74 haha that made me laugh.. I'm glad things worked out for you, I hope they can for me too

@addi3886 it's just a really confusing time for me, I need to figure out what I really want

pawgio

@addi3886 ya I know that's a big part of our problem.. I've been able to mature from this a lot faster then he has. I'm still young but I've come a long way in a short time, I think it's harder for him because it's not as real for him and it probably won't be until the baby is born.

cheryl74

Good luck sweet x x x

pawgio

@cheryl74 thank you!

momof5

Everyone makes mistakes and he is owning up to his by telling you the truth. If he didn't have feelings for you or loved you then he would have just denied the whole thing and made up some stupid lie and never told you the truth. Don't let your gaurd down right now but do give him a chance to prove that he can change. If you truely want to be with him you need to forgive and move on with your lives together and work hard to make it become a family. Good luck sweetie. Lots of prayers coming your way.

pawgio

@momof5 thank you, I hope he can change, it's so hard right now, I don't feel like we belong to each other anymore.. I'll run my fingers through his hair and wonder if she did the same thing.. he'll rest his hand on my leg and I'll wonder if he touched her like that.. he's been crying his heart out all morning and I'm so numb I can't cry anymore I've just been holding him trying to make him stop.. everytime he looks at me he can see the pain in my eyes and it's tearing him apart inside

VictoriaB

I did the same thing when I found out my ex had another girlfriend the whole time we were dating. After we had sex, he just acted like he had never cheated from then on. While we were cuddling, I noticed he had a hickey on his neck. That was a long, drawn out, miserable relationship. He never apologized for cheating, never showed any kind of remorse, nothing. I ended up meeting my now-husband at work, falling in love with him, and cheating on my ex with him. It wasn't right and I'm not proud of it, but ultimately I'm with my soul mate. I hate to think what life would be like if I had just stayed with my ex.

rckprincess2

Your not weak and your not a bad person. Your human. We all make mistakes. That you still love him makes everything harder to deal with. He needs to understand that you still need time to adjust and deal with things. If something like this ever arises before you are properly ready you will know the outcome of how you will feel and can avoid it. You are a very strong independent woman.

JasminGN

You and I are on the same boat. And I feel the same. I haven't seen him in about two weeks and I'm dying to see him. Except what happened is I moved to a home and not a freaked garage where he had mr and he got mad cuz he didn't think id get the home. I'm dying to be in his arms again but I'm trying to do what's best for my pregnancy/baby

ceegsmommy75

You are anything but horrible, but i hope you made him use protection. By cheating, he has put u and your baby at risk and I wouldn't believe any crap about him using something with the other person cause that usually doesn't happen. Good luck

pawgio

@victoriab he sounds like a piece of work.. Talon hasn't acted like that at all, he's done nothing but apologize and when he sees the hurt in my eyes he cries.. I really think he's sorry

@rckprincess2 I hope I make the right decision, I just need my head to not be so clouded first

@island_mommie2b I hope he can change.. he has until the baby gets here, I'm letting him try and make it up to me but I don't know how he will

@jasmingn i'm sorry mamma :-( it's hard, you're stronger then I am I couldn't wait that long, good luck!

@ceegsmommy75 I know he didn't use anything with her but I also didn't know he cheated before we had sex. I had a doctors appointment today and got tested again so I'll know soon

momof5

I know the feeling hun. I've been there and went through it all. But if you seriously want to make it work you are going to have to put all that aside and try not to think about things like that. It will take a long time to forgive and to move on. And to regain trust that was broken is so hard but if he is being true to you and himself then you will begin to develop trust and finally forgiveness. Say a prayer to send help your way and to guide you through all of this. Try not to stress yourself to much cause to much stress for you is not good for neither you or baby. I will say a prayer for you.

pawgio

@momof5 thank you, I'm trying really hard to get past this, I've been feeling a lot better having him talk me through all of this, forgiveness is still a ways away though, I can't stop thinking of those things so I just ask him when they cross my mind, it helps to know intead of just wondering.

feb2012mommy

My husband never cheated but i wonder thesame thing's you do but about exs. If they touched him the way i do if he said the same things to them if he played with there hair like he does mine.

momof5

That's the way to do it sweetie. You both need to be open and honest in the relationship. And the first step of moving on from this horrible situation is to ask questions. If you keep them all bottled up inside it will tear apart what relationship you do have.

traci84lucas

How are things going?

pawgio

@traci84lucas things are so much better, thank you for asking. It's only been a week since I found out and so much has changed. Talon has answered every question I've asked him about what happened even the super personal ones that he knew would hurt me but I still needed to know. He's stayed up until almost 5 just about every night talking to me and holding me while I've cried until I could fall asleep. Whenever I'm thinking about it he can see how much hurt is in my eyes and he'll cry for a long time and just tell me how sorry he is. We've been trying to work through the problems he has with his sexuality and in all honesty we haven't been having so much sex since before I was pregnant, he actually is instigating it now which hadn't been happening for months, he went down on me for the first time since March, and yesterday we had sex three times which hasn't happened since March either. It doesn't hurt like it did before, but it still keeps me up at night. He also got a full time job and he's seemed really optimistic about his life. It's crazy how much has changed in this last week, we're still not back together and ihe won't have my trust back for a long time, but things are moving forward and that's all I can ask for right now :-)

DawnwaarsBaby

I havent been following your post, but read the top and can clearly relate. Your not a bad or horrible person but I would suggedt establishing clear boundaries if u want to sustain your relationship. Some men are mature and get it... Others dont... And most men are the others... We coddle them because we love them, give them the most passionate tearful love making of there lives to try to make them get it, that we are here, we love them and our love supercedes all... What do they get from that? That all I have to do is be slicker and cry harder the next time and it reinforces their negative behavior, that u'll be there... And they do more, get more outrageous and more obscene with there behavior. U want change to happen...Cut his water off... And change the relationship and make him prove that he is worthy of being in your presence. Its hard when your prego, we are extra, super emotional... But it wont change until u change it...

pawgio

@dawnwaarsbaby thank you, I asked him to call her and tell her what he told me about how he wants nothing to do with her and he fucked up and loves me and wants me back, but when I asked he had already done it and deleted her phone number, I also asked him to block her on fb and he did no questions asked. We'll both be deleting our fb after the baby shower, I think it will relieve some stress. I told him a lot of things I wanted him to do before we could get back together, but to make it hard for him I asked him to do things he has always had problems doing that didn't necessarily have anything to do with him cheating on me like pay his fine for his probation and to get a full time job. He got a job and is really excited about it. He's come a long way but he still has even further to go before I'll believe that he's learned and is moving forward with his life.

DawnwaarsBaby

Good luck sista... some men get it. I hope he is truly remorseful and gives u what u deserve.

traci84lucas

I am glad things are better