My Dad is An Alcoholic... advice please?
Sorry guys, this got pretty long, and I apologize. If you don't feel like reading a back story, go ahead and skip to the last 7 paragraphs/breaks. Thanks.
So I came down to visit my mom for a month. I have been here awhile and leave on the 23rd to go back home to BD. My mom lives with one of my younger brothers, and my dad. They divorced when I was about 1 and a half or 2.
I was very much a daddy's girl when I was little. I was oblivious to how things really were until I was a bit older. I don't even know everything. Every now and then, I discover things, like a photo of me when I was a baby, my grandma, and my dad, in a visitation room in Folsom Prison. Doesn't really feel that great. As I got older, I had to experience seeing him go to jail, as opposed to my mom hiding it.
For many years, he lived with his mom. He can't drive, and can't have a legitimate job. He would hold odd jobs doing labor work for different people. I remember a time when he showed up drunk to our house, and when my mom finally got him to leave, she asked me and my younger brothers if we were okay with not seeing him again. We were okay with that.
We moved out of CA to NV. For quite some time, he wasn't allowed up to see us. Then he would come visit for a week or so at a time, courtesy of my mom. They weren't together. My older sister would later say she thought it twas because he didn't pay child support, so my mom would have him do yard and house work.
There was a time when the cops came to our door and asked if my brother and I had food in the house, because they had picked up our dad trying to sell cigarettes outside of a grocery store saying it was to buy us food. We were pretty broke, but we told them we were in the middle of making food. I think he was drunk, and they took him away. Similar things happened a few times.
On another occasion, my mom went out of town taking my brother on a business trip. I forget why I had to stay. I think I had something going on with friends or school. One night, he was super drunk, or seemed high, and told me he was talking to "people" in the garage, and told me what his favorite tobacco was. It was scary, and awkward. I don't think he was my dad anymore after that. Not to me, anyway. I was about 12 or 13.
As I got older, other things seemed to make more sense. There was a time when we were still living in CA and our mom told us he broke his hand playing football with a kid who lived in his apartments. I started to figure out he probably got in a fight with someone outside of a liquor store or something, which he had been arrested for in the past. There was another time when he took my brother and I to court with him, and he explained he was there because he was at a park and set down a bag of his stuff, then picked up and took someone else's bag by accident. I doubted that later as well.
Even in recent years, my brother (who seemed to ignore it) opened up and said he figured out why he couldn't push us on the swing when he took us to the park when we were very little; because he was drunk. He said he didn't have a dad, either.
A few years ago, our grandma died. My mom had him come live with us. I still think it was out of pity; then and today. That's just how I interpret it. As a teenager, I was filled with a lot of frustration at the situation. Frustrated that he was drunk ALL the time, that he was living with us, but also frustrated at my mom for letting him stay there. In my eyes, it was equally her fault. I felt like she was enabling him. She would let him do odd jobs around the house, or even at her office at work. And she would pay him for it. Money meant more alcohol and tobacco for cigarettes. She's still doing it today.
I will never understand that dynamic. I will never get why she ever married him. Why we were even born. I wish I wasn't, when I really get to thinking about it. It has caused me a lot of pain and trouble throughout my life. I attribute my clinical depression to him. Mental illness runs in his side of the family.
I left NV and moved to WA in early 2009, in large part because of my family. It would literally drive me crazy having to live there. WA was a new start. I HAD to go. It helped, being away.
I come to visit now and again. Some times are harder than others. I'm usually here for a few days at a time, once or twice a year.
In this trip, he started out much more well "behaved" than in the past. That didn't last, though. He's been drunk for the last two days. I came down here so I could relax (my living situation was getting extremely stressful) while being pregnant. But now this is stressing me out as well. It makes me feel like poop, because it brings back many memories. Way more than what I mentioned above. Lots of letdowns. I was apprehensive to come here, but I made a choice. I still find it awkward to be here while pregnant. He has never been around for anything important in my life. It still hurts.
I don't let my mom mention him when I'm talking to her on the phone. I like to pretend he doesn't live here. Or that she finally did right and kicked him out and he's living under a bridge or in a homeless shelter. It sounds harsh, but I feel like he deserves it. He's the reason why this family isn't a family. All of us rarely get along. I feel a disconnection from all of our family members because of that HUGE disconnection. The rest of my family is the same, maybe for the same reasons, or their own.
So here I am. I'm 21 years old. I'm an adult, and see myself that way. His drinking is stressing all of us out. I just want to relax. I feel an immense urge to confront him. I sat here for an hour (maybe more) with him in the same room, thinking up what I would say. If only I could get it out.
What's so hard about saying, "Can I ask you something? I know your back hurts, and I don't want to hear any excuses or reasons that you think are justified, but your drinking really bothers me. I can smell it, and it stresses me out, and I can't be stressed out right now. Can you stop drinking while I'm still here?"
But I just shrink back inside like I always do when I have something important to say. I feel like I just revert back to when I was a kid, and couldn't do anything. I feel really powerless.
I told my brother, "I wish I could just tell him to stop." He agreed and said he felt the same. He briefly brought my mom in on what was going on earlier tonight after she got home from work. But we try not to go too far with talking about it, because then she acts aggitated toward our dad, and he picks up on it and turns into an angry drunk. It used to be much more confrontational. Lots of yelling. I've noticed that fighting leads to more drinking.
Now, I feel pretty cruddy. I'm hoping there's someone on here who has gone through having an alcoholic parent or family member. I honestly didn't know where else to turn. I don't know anyone at all who has anyone in their family who's an alcoholic. I have no idea how to handle anything like this. Like I said, I feel really powerless.
If there is anyone out there who can give me advice, I'd really appreciate it. I didn't know how or where to post this. It was originally going to just a be a simple question of, "How do I tell my dad to not drink while I'm here?" But I guess I had to get out some of my past as well. You guys are the only people I am in contact with outside of knowing people in person. I truly appreciate how so many of us are supportive of one another. Even if you don't have any advice to offer, your support helps my soul.
Thank you. Hope you all are well. 29 weeks today. This baby boy is kicking like crazy.
So I came down to visit my mom for a month. I have been here awhile and leave on the 23rd to go back home to BD. My mom lives with one of my younger brothers, and my dad. They divorced when I was about 1 and a half or 2.
I was very much a daddy's girl when I was little. I was oblivious to how things really were until I was a bit older. I don't even know everything. Every now and then, I discover things, like a photo of me when I was a baby, my grandma, and my dad, in a visitation room in Folsom Prison. Doesn't really feel that great. As I got older, I had to experience seeing him go to jail, as opposed to my mom hiding it.
For many years, he lived with his mom. He can't drive, and can't have a legitimate job. He would hold odd jobs doing labor work for different people. I remember a time when he showed up drunk to our house, and when my mom finally got him to leave, she asked me and my younger brothers if we were okay with not seeing him again. We were okay with that.
We moved out of CA to NV. For quite some time, he wasn't allowed up to see us. Then he would come visit for a week or so at a time, courtesy of my mom. They weren't together. My older sister would later say she thought it twas because he didn't pay child support, so my mom would have him do yard and house work.
There was a time when the cops came to our door and asked if my brother and I had food in the house, because they had picked up our dad trying to sell cigarettes outside of a grocery store saying it was to buy us food. We were pretty broke, but we told them we were in the middle of making food. I think he was drunk, and they took him away. Similar things happened a few times.
On another occasion, my mom went out of town taking my brother on a business trip. I forget why I had to stay. I think I had something going on with friends or school. One night, he was super drunk, or seemed high, and told me he was talking to "people" in the garage, and told me what his favorite tobacco was. It was scary, and awkward. I don't think he was my dad anymore after that. Not to me, anyway. I was about 12 or 13.
As I got older, other things seemed to make more sense. There was a time when we were still living in CA and our mom told us he broke his hand playing football with a kid who lived in his apartments. I started to figure out he probably got in a fight with someone outside of a liquor store or something, which he had been arrested for in the past. There was another time when he took my brother and I to court with him, and he explained he was there because he was at a park and set down a bag of his stuff, then picked up and took someone else's bag by accident. I doubted that later as well.
Even in recent years, my brother (who seemed to ignore it) opened up and said he figured out why he couldn't push us on the swing when he took us to the park when we were very little; because he was drunk. He said he didn't have a dad, either.
A few years ago, our grandma died. My mom had him come live with us. I still think it was out of pity; then and today. That's just how I interpret it. As a teenager, I was filled with a lot of frustration at the situation. Frustrated that he was drunk ALL the time, that he was living with us, but also frustrated at my mom for letting him stay there. In my eyes, it was equally her fault. I felt like she was enabling him. She would let him do odd jobs around the house, or even at her office at work. And she would pay him for it. Money meant more alcohol and tobacco for cigarettes. She's still doing it today.
I will never understand that dynamic. I will never get why she ever married him. Why we were even born. I wish I wasn't, when I really get to thinking about it. It has caused me a lot of pain and trouble throughout my life. I attribute my clinical depression to him. Mental illness runs in his side of the family.
I left NV and moved to WA in early 2009, in large part because of my family. It would literally drive me crazy having to live there. WA was a new start. I HAD to go. It helped, being away.
I come to visit now and again. Some times are harder than others. I'm usually here for a few days at a time, once or twice a year.
In this trip, he started out much more well "behaved" than in the past. That didn't last, though. He's been drunk for the last two days. I came down here so I could relax (my living situation was getting extremely stressful) while being pregnant. But now this is stressing me out as well. It makes me feel like poop, because it brings back many memories. Way more than what I mentioned above. Lots of letdowns. I was apprehensive to come here, but I made a choice. I still find it awkward to be here while pregnant. He has never been around for anything important in my life. It still hurts.
I don't let my mom mention him when I'm talking to her on the phone. I like to pretend he doesn't live here. Or that she finally did right and kicked him out and he's living under a bridge or in a homeless shelter. It sounds harsh, but I feel like he deserves it. He's the reason why this family isn't a family. All of us rarely get along. I feel a disconnection from all of our family members because of that HUGE disconnection. The rest of my family is the same, maybe for the same reasons, or their own.
So here I am. I'm 21 years old. I'm an adult, and see myself that way. His drinking is stressing all of us out. I just want to relax. I feel an immense urge to confront him. I sat here for an hour (maybe more) with him in the same room, thinking up what I would say. If only I could get it out.
What's so hard about saying, "Can I ask you something? I know your back hurts, and I don't want to hear any excuses or reasons that you think are justified, but your drinking really bothers me. I can smell it, and it stresses me out, and I can't be stressed out right now. Can you stop drinking while I'm still here?"
But I just shrink back inside like I always do when I have something important to say. I feel like I just revert back to when I was a kid, and couldn't do anything. I feel really powerless.
I told my brother, "I wish I could just tell him to stop." He agreed and said he felt the same. He briefly brought my mom in on what was going on earlier tonight after she got home from work. But we try not to go too far with talking about it, because then she acts aggitated toward our dad, and he picks up on it and turns into an angry drunk. It used to be much more confrontational. Lots of yelling. I've noticed that fighting leads to more drinking.
Now, I feel pretty cruddy. I'm hoping there's someone on here who has gone through having an alcoholic parent or family member. I honestly didn't know where else to turn. I don't know anyone at all who has anyone in their family who's an alcoholic. I have no idea how to handle anything like this. Like I said, I feel really powerless.
If there is anyone out there who can give me advice, I'd really appreciate it. I didn't know how or where to post this. It was originally going to just a be a simple question of, "How do I tell my dad to not drink while I'm here?" But I guess I had to get out some of my past as well. You guys are the only people I am in contact with outside of knowing people in person. I truly appreciate how so many of us are supportive of one another. Even if you don't have any advice to offer, your support helps my soul.
Thank you. Hope you all are well. 29 weeks today. This baby boy is kicking like crazy.
Comments
My dad is an alcoholic too. Has been since before i was born. My mom divorced him when i was 2 and he had pretty much lived with both his parents most if that time. But they both passed about 5 and 3 yrs ago. He hasn't gotten any better. Just worse.
Don't feel bad for wishing unfortunate things upon him. My dad isn't allowed to drink due to court order, and when he calls me drunk to talk i sometimes wish i had the guts to call the cops. He has no job yet the bars will let him have a tab. How dumb are the bartenders?!
Anywho i really hope you can figure out a way to express your feelings to him.
We have a similar story. I wish I could tell you to just go for it next time he calls and call the copes, but I feel like I'm giving advice without the ability to follow my own advice... shrinking to the size of a mouse now. Maybe I'll feel a bit better after some sleep.
Thanks again, lady.
Pray that he may "hit his rockbottom" and finally stop drinking. You can confront him if you want, but from my experience, they won't stop drinking because someone asked them to. In the meantime, try to distance yourself from him to protect your own feelings and maybe see your mom separate? and do what is best for you and your baby! Maybe find out of a AA group and get some info for him? And some of Alanon for your mom... good luck and let me know
>:D< I really really hope the living situation with the roommate is somewhat better when you go back.
A letter sounds like a good idea for you to get it off your chest finally, maybe even one for your mom as well.
Sigh. I'm gonna sleep on this, ladies! I feel like I can confront him, but there's like, 21 years of weight holding me back. Does that make sense? I could smack my head on a wall over and over because it feels like it would be so easy, but I'm having such a hard time doing it.
I just want him to stop drinking while I'm here. I can't pin that on anyone else to tell him that. I feel like once I'm gone, and my brother is gone (he's going to boot camp in a little less than a month), it's on my mom. If she wants to skate by and let him do what he wants, that's on her. But in the super small chance she wants things to change; again, that's on her.
Ughhhhh who the heck are these people??
@cynthiay @mrs_shu @2ndbutfirst
She's 29, lives with my in-laws, and they support her finacially.
My SIL is an alcoholic. We staged our own intervention and she agreed to go to rehab back in Janurary. She was doing great for about 2 months, but we were suspecting that she had relapsed. We finally searched her room and car and found bottles everywhere. She now refuses to admit she is an alcoholic, denies drinking again (despite finding the bottles and her sounding drunk all the time), she refuses AA, or any type of treatment.
We called the rehab facility to see how they thought we should handle it and they said to let her hit rock bottom. My in-laws are kicking her out at the end of the month. They took her car away. They will not support her finacially once she's out. DH and I told her we do not want anything to do with her until he is sober again.
The sad thing is that alcohol will always take presidence over anything else in this world because they physically and mentally require it. Sadly, asking him to stop is not going to work. If he has been an alcoholic for this long he will need a hospital monitored detox and intense rehab and treatment. I would try a mini intervention and see how it goes. Research rehab facilities, research alcoholism, and get a clear understanding of the disease before you approach him. If he refuses, let him know you will no longer be a part of his life.
The rehab center told us to remember the "three c's". I didn't CREATE it. I can't CONTROL it. I can't CURE it. Please keep me posted!
get your sleep, and remember there's no time limit/frame for doing anything.
Sounds like you might need to talk/write your mom too.
Also when you decided to go there you knew he was there correct? So being that you knew the situation and still decided to go I feel like you can ask him to stop drinking but you cant be mad if he doesnt. He lives there, you dont so when its all said and done he can do what he wants.
You have every right to not care about him, he was your father and didnt act like one!
Good luck with it all!
A little about him growing up. When he started school his dad would beat him with a dog chain. He's even got pictures of it and showed us. Sickening.
He would beat him until he drank a beer and smoked a cigarette. His dad was about 400lbs. So every day he would get beat with the dog chain and have to smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. His dad is the one to blame for that but there comes a tine in life where you have to let go. He's now almost 60 years old my dad. So back in the day there wasn't really childrens services like now a days. He's been through hell and back but still no excuse...
Again as mentioned there's so much more I could say. If you want or need to talk you can feel free to co tact me. Try getting into some alanona(?sp). There are programs out there for victims of alcoholic family members. So sorry you had to live like this hun. I feel for you. I know the feeling all to well. Oh then not to mention I watched my dad pick up a couch and throw it on my moms neck and break it. My bother was there also but doesnt remember to much.... just stay strong hun. You. Don't need someone like that bringing you down like that. Just stay strong stand your ground and let him have it one day. I did. It helped but it didn't matter after a few months. It still made me feel better. Sorry for the spelling im sending this via my cell phone. .
My parents are alcoholics and prescription drug abusers. My mom kept it together for a while, but went off the deep end when I was 11 or 12. That's also around the time they split up for good. My dad was there, but not supportive. Most of my childhood memories of my dad are of him sleeping in bed all day. I remember one summer he lost a ton of weight and when people would ask, he just said he switched to light beer but he was actually doing cocaine.
My childhood and especially teenage years were just crazy. I was homeless sometimes and often on drugs to cope with my pain. I was in a string of bad, meaningless relationships with dbags which didn't help my pain or self esteem.
I'm 19 now, 2 days past my due date with my first child, and with a man who genuinely loves and respects me (we live in WA too!). My dad is over a year sober now and my mom is trying to stay sober. She has a breathalyzer on her car so she can't drink and drive anymore. Over all, I think we're doing pretty good.
I think that your detachment from your dad is normal. You're tired of being hurt and disappointed by him. It doesn't make you a bad person. I felt detached from both my parents for a long time. You just kinda get to a point where you're just sick of it.
@dreamaria Thank you for relating. I wonder what rock bottom means, though. Not sure if that exists when it's an everyday norm for him. I can't tell if he's still drunk from the last 2 days or if he's been drinking more today. I'm gonna go with drinking more. I feel like I already disowned him as my dad. I haven't called him dad in years. Just by his first name.
@mrs_shu Looking forward to going home, but not looking forward to the fact that I'm gonna have to lay down the law at home too. "Hey, roommate, so you see that giant stash of alcohol you have? I want you to get rid of it before the baby gets here, otherwise I'm gonna throw it out. And if either of you want people over, I want you to ask ME, not each other." Sigh... I'm sorry but how safe am I supposed to feel with random people in the house?? Lol. Trailing off topic...
@mybabe I don't think I've ever asked him to stop. I've asked my mom to kick him out before. Obviously that never worked. I've asked my sister to stop smoking a billion times, but she always says no. She quit recently, and last time I saw her, she was smoking again. Her husband, too. Super disappointing. It's not like her father in law had brain and lung cancer or anything... Oh, wait. Yes he did. Why are people so oblivious to those around them? It's always "Me me me" with them. =/
@pnsw524 I came because I wanted to see my mom and my brother. Unfortunately, my mom let's him live here. I was sleeping in my brother's room cus he was out of town, but he came home rarely, so I'm in the living room now. It's really difficult trying to get away from him. I am having him stay in the office, though. Instead of the living room where he normally sleeps... sigh. I wish I had your guts to just confront things head on! Instead, I just shrink. I've been shy and quiet all my life. Sucks when I'm trying to interact with others!
@kingsmama Thanks, I think you've said that before on another post. Lol. Or someone else did if it wasn't you. I wish I could avoid him more. I'm trying my hardest, being stuck in the same house.
@momofsoontobe7 Thank you for telling your story. My dad wasn't abusive physically, but my stepdad was. He's a stand up guy now, but they're divorced. I don't know anything about my dad's childhood, or adulthood. Don't know how this started. Heck, my mom keeps stuff from me about her past, and even when we were kids. I've had to piece a lot together. I hate liars... again, who the heck are these people...
@ll10 You said it right. An addict is an addict. I don't give him any other label except for addict.
@victoriab it's amazing how people can just... do what they want and think the word "consequences" doesn't exist. It sucks being at the "I'm sick of it" point, because that feeling stays perpetual for the rest of eternity. It's an aspect of life that you wish wasn't there, and wish it didn't shape your life. But it did, and you're stuck with it. I am super thankful for BD. He is trying to be as supportive as he can. He has a similar family situation, but not alcohol, and it's his mom, not his dad. He knows I'm hurting, though. =/ where at in WA? I'm in Kitsap... hoping it's not a permanent thing... lol.
@everyone You ladies are all awesome. So before reading/replying to you guys, I sat in the living room where my dad was watching TV. I finally got up the nerve, and said something similar to, "I was wondering if it would be possible for you to not drink while I'm here. It stresses me out, and I can't really be stressed right now." He said "don't stress," and, "it's fine," and I told him that it would mean a lot to me, and that I appreciate it. It wasn't exactly the perfect way to word it. It wasn't perfect. But I needed to say it. I feel a little better that I did. Alas, he is pretty drunk today. I have no idea what the next 8 days will be like until I leave. He went back into the office to watch baseball a little while later. If he's going to be like that, I just want him to stay away from us. And stop making dinner, because he couldn't even function enough to do that right yesterday.
I hate that people like this feel like they function like normal. Like they are the only one who knows what they've been doing. It's an awkward, giant elephant in the room. Freaking alcohol...
And I'm so glad you get to have a good shoulder to lean on for support. I never got to have that until my fiancee came around.