Losing it
Really I just need somewhere to vent, to many folks on fb too and I have no friends to call. But lemme give a quick run down before I get to what I'm venting about. February '11 me and my hubby found out I was pregnant along with almost losing my dad (he got better, but knew mom was going to need help so asked us to move back in), so in march we moved back in with my parents.... Kinda big mistake, things were stressful and almost cause me and my hubby to split, in october I had our son.. Beginning of January dad got real bad sick again and was put in the hospital for two weeks, some time including being put in a unit, he comes home, goes back in february, gets out, I finally get a job on valentines day to be exact, beginning of march dads goes back to the hospital again and straight into a unit, march 14th dad gets out and into a regular room, everything's good, he's talking and eating, march 17th I get a call from mom (who stayed the night with dad bc he cried and begged her not to leave), something happened, dad was non-responsive and was going back into a unit, we (the entire family) went to the hospital and sat all day visiting every few hours with dad, we had no clue if he'd make it or not, doctors told us probably not. After a few days, doctors said there was nothing they could do, so we were put into a private room to wait til it was his "time". March 25th my daddy went to see my grandparents. I had been in denial about all of this for weeks, for a couple weeks after, I still didn't believe it, things around the house were slightly different but it just seemed like he was in his room sleeping, but then I'd realize he wasn't. I'm the baby of 4 and the only girl, it's hitting me hard at times, other times I'm ok with it. Since then my moms been in and out of emotions, the first few days she blocked me out, now we just have our fights and go on. For weeks I've felt like a horrible wife and mother bc of the way she says things or does things. This morning was the worst. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a horrible wife and mother. I mean yes my sweet baby gets on a nerve at times, what one doesn't? Especially during a time where a loved one is lost. But I'm still a good mother to him.... I feed him, clothe him, bathe him, play with him.... What part makes me a bad mother? The part where people make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong, the part where I really get tired of changing pee bed sheets at 6am every morning... I mean really? I'm just to the point where I'm done. I knew living here would be stressful, but we're stuck here, we're in over our head with debt from when my hubby almost died in June last year and I also am jobless again. I just can't handle it anymore. I'm thinking I will be owing to my doctor to see if he can't prescribe me for something. I was dieting but I've hit the bottom and have given up, I've realized I'll almost be the fat chick that I am. No one has to comment, I just needed somewhere to get it all out. It's been the worst year of my life already, just hoping it picks up soon... Meanwhile, I miss my daddy like crazy!
Comments
@firsttymemom I can't say I relate to your exact situation but I'm going through a very tough time myself right now. Idk if you are religious but at times like this I just have to continue to tell myself that God puts nothing on us that we can't handle.