Questions. adoptition and when? Your thoughts would be appreciated

Leggs2011

Ok our appreviated little story:
Husband in army since may 08. Married march 10, baby boy born nov 11.
We want two kids. One of each gender. We would love to adopt an american baby.
We want a little girl to join our family when Mason is about 4.
How long does the adoption usually take? I've read many answers on line. But all range.
Also. Would YOU adopt a baby or toddler/young child? We have our pros and cons thought through. Babies are cute and fun and it'd be our last baby and Derek is already missing out on our sons first yr(he's deployed). But babies cry, poop and cry too. Toddlers/young child most likely already potty trained. Can go and do stuff(unlike a baby who 'just lays there observing'). But we're afraid the toddler/yound child could be 'messed up/damaged'(moms words).

Also if we picked babe. Would we want to try and find a pregnant lady? We are soo afraid the mom would back out at last minture. I read they can have between 6-14 days to change their mind AFTER we've already taken the babe home. :.( we'd be so heart broken.

Thirdly. Would you(just pretend your giving a child up) be willing to let a army family take your baby? I'm worried some mothers would be put off b.c. the dad is gone about every 4 years for 9-12 months. Or would it be a plus? Steady job and home.


Or would you not even adopt at all and try and get pg and hope its a girl?


Just some thoughts. Tired but can't sleep. Missing my hubby.

Jazzie

I would try to have my own child because my great aunt was telling me that before she adopted my cousin the social service people said they had a baby but she really didn't want a baby because the parents still have rights up to 30 days, but she said yes any way and on the 28th or 29th day the birth mother changed her mind and my aunt was so hurt. So she adopted my cousin when he was 3 or 4 I don't remember because she said at that she the parents rights are terminated.

lilbit01_209

Birth parents rights vary state to state. I would check and find out your best approach. I would see if you can talk to an adoption agency. I dont know about adoption. I would be fearful that I wouldnt feel the same way about the child as I would my own and I couldnt do that to a child.

RedShadoe0

I would love to adopt... But it would break my heart if the parents changed their minds. I honestly prolly couldn't survive it. Is there a reason you want to adopt instead of have.your own? Or are you just wanting the girl for sure for sure? I'm not sure how parents might take a military family... Me personally, I would think of it as a plus... But I'm military... And grew up in a military family... Some people might see it as a serious con just because they don't understand the life. I'm not sure how long the process takes... I've heard it depends on the agency and if you're in a small pool of parents or large pool. Obviously infants might take longer because everyone wants a baby... So maybe trying for a toddler wont take as long. And bad habits can be fixed in toddlers, don't let that deter you... Given enough time and love a toddler will turn out as if you'd raised it from an infant.

Im interested to hear what Yall decide!!

Summergirl22

Adoption is a great thing! But am I confused or are you adopting purely so you can have a girl? There are many reasons to adopt, I just have never heard of someone doing it because they want a certain gender. That being said, my advise to you is just try to get pregnant, there's a 50/50 chance you will have a girl. I have a 6yr old son and a 10 month old girl. Regardless of the sex, if you want another child that should be all that matters.
Best of luck

SalasMommy

If I couldn't have children I would deff adopt. I think I would consider it even if i got older I would adopt a toddler as well If I had the chance even a five year old. Some kids just want to be loved. Believe me I've known adopted kids and they are such good kids and live their parents and are thankful for them. Think about it adoption is a beautiful thing

Proudmommy8789

I have a friend who cant have kids and they are military and the adopted a baby boy 2 days after he was born. The birth mom picked them out. They are now doing the process(sp) of adopting a baby girl. Its going to take about 6 months to 2 years for them to get a baby girl

mommyof3girls

I'd like to adopt a couple older kids some day down the line. Adoption is a great thing. You cant look at older kids as "damaged" who isnt damaged, right? Just gotta make sure u r emetionally ready for the roller coaster that it may be. Make sure ur heart is in it 100%... Make aure everyones heart is in it 100%. If u r doing it just to get a girl... Well, i honestly dont find nothing wrong with it because ur still helping a child in need find a forever family. Do whatever feels right for ur family. Adoption process usually takes time.

My2Boys

Adoption is a very long, hard, and expensive process. Especailly when adopting a young baby/toddler in America. I dont really agree with your choice, this is just my opinion, but if you are capable to have your own children you should. There are many people out there who can not have children and for someone healthy and able to have kids that is adopting because they want a certain gender is selfish. Dont take this the wrong way I'm just saying how I feel about it. I feel like adoption should be for those who cant have children of their own, or if you want to just take in a child who needs a home, but not because you dont want to risk having a boy, and are you going to turn down a little two year old boy who needs a family just because he is a boy? Also, think about the bond your son would have with a younger brother of his own, your not even going to give him the opportunity to have a brother.

Summergirl22

^ agreed

starrxoxo9

I agree with @my2boys

Adopting just because you want a girl, or want to skip the "tough baby stage" seems very selfish.

Summergirl22

@starrxoxo9 and @my2boys that's basically what I was trying to say....just in the nicest way possible

@leggs2011 also have you thought about, the fact that ultrasound is not 100% (especially with baby girls). People make mistakes. There's been many instances where people are told it's a girl from ultrasound, only to find out it is in fact a boy at birth. What would you do then?

Additionally, if you are so unsure your asking strangers for advice on the matter, then you really probably shouldn't adopt at all.

Totally not trying to be mean, just stating my honest opinion

Summergirl22

One more thing...if the birth parents didn't pick you, I don't think your husband being in the army would have anything to do with it. I think it would be because they most likely would pick a couple who couldn't have kids of their own, not someone who is more than capable but doesn't want to risk having a boy.

starrxoxo9

@summergirl22 I agree.

Children are a blessing. There are women all over the world (and on this forum) who would love to easily conceive their own flesh and blood children regardless of gender.

My2Boys

@Summergirl22 I agree about that ultra sound, but what gets me is that you dont want to give your children that bond together. Yes even if you adopt I'm sure they would be treated the same and feel just like a biological child, but your child may still not like that you purposely would not give him a brother, and he may feel resentment in the fact that you did not want another boy like him, and would not even take the chance to have another son.

starrxoxo9

@my2boys Leggs2011 is the original poster

skysma

Sorry buti agree just because u have a boy would u love it anyless because u wanted a girl I totally disagree with that statement

My2Boys

Just curious to, why does it have to be an American girl? If you really wanted to help children it should not matter the country they are from... is there a particular reason?

Summergirl22

@starrxoxo9
Yes children are a blessing no matter which sex! And the gender you have is meant to be

@my2boys this isn't my post, I just commented on it

My2Boys

@starxoxo9 yea I know I only meant the first part for her... I forgot to seperate the state ments out.

Summergirl22

@my2boys that's what I figured, but then I wasn't sure lol

Leggs2011

Its not just the girl thing.
It took me 5 years to get pregnant with my son. I'm not worried about not loving the child. I have had a inhome daycare and with the child being with me for 13 hrs of the day or a few weeks if the parent have had to go to the field to train. I've loved the children very much. I still send gifts on holidays and birthdays.

The 'american baby' is my husbands choice. I have no preference to where she would come from id love her just the same. I don't think I shouldn't be allowed to adopt b.c. it is physically possibly to have children(granted it took forever last time) there are many many many kids in the system who don't have anyone. They would love to have a family. Even if the mom is healthy.

The 'not bonding with brother' statement is ridiculous in my opinion. My mom got custody with my little brother when he was 21 months old. We all(I have 3 older brothers) love him. I was 16 that year. I took Seth EVERYWHERE with me that following summer. We practically lived at the local pool and park. And its still that way. I just moved home in Jan from being gone for 2 years and I have taken him and my son to the park on nearly every sunny day we have had.

I've always wanted to adopt ever since I was about 10 and had an adopted friend. I don't see this as selfish at all. I also used to want to be a foster mother. But this is something that we haven't talked a whole lot about(with my husband).

Leggs2011

I wish people would have also stated if being in the army was a plus or minus. We are not sure if we should start while he is in or wait til he gets out if he does decide to. He is relisting at least once more when he gets back. He wanted to make a career out if it but after getting shot in the knee he has a hard time running.(still is the fastest but is real sore afterwards ) he's so stubborn!

Mimii36

I don't see anything wrong with you adopting just because you're able to have kids. There are sooo many kids in foster care that would love you as a mother! Regardless if you can have your own children or not. I don't even see what that has to do with anything. Good luck!

And I don't think your husband being in the military would be a problem. They will adopt out to single parents so I'm pretty sure your husband being military wouldn't hurt your chances.

Summergirl22

I'm sorry I got the wrong impression. Your first post made it seem (to me) that you wanted to adopt only so you would for sure have a girl. Your second post explains more and I understand much more where you were coming from now.

That's really sweet that you still keep in touch with the children who used to be in your daycare!

And I think your husband being in the army is only a positive thing! I could not see anyone seeing this as a negative thing! Some doctors work so much they barley see there kids. I think your husband is a plus...good luck, and sorry I took it wrong

Leggs2011

@bettymomma @Mimii36 Thank you That's how I see it.

@Summergirl22 That is part of the reason for sure, but not the only one.

My2Boys

@Leggs2011 i didnt want to mention the military thing because to me... thats not how i want my kids raised. My husband just recently go out and he was injured and it was not a fun process. We agreed we did not want our kids moving all the time and not seeing a parent for long periods. However this is just what my husband and i agreed on, for some military is great for families. The work will always be there and the children will always be provided for financially and you get many benefits from being in the service and from having parents in it. If i was to put a child up for adoption i wouldnt not pick a family just because they are military, because that must still be a better life then i would be giving it if i am giving the baby up.

KayyCarter

Kids in the system need more families to want them and love them like their own. I think adopting would be an awesome thing. It's something I myself have considered but it is definitely not something I can do right now. And so what if you did prefer a little girl? I think its a great thing you and your husband are considering to do and that you are putting thought and time into. I wish I could provide you with answers as you'd asked, but I can only provide my support... good luck!

BeAwesome

I'm going to be having a baby for my sister as well as my aunt, they both can't have children and can't afford to adopt. A lot of women would change their mind last minute, afraid it's nothing you can entirely avoid. I'd love to adopt a baby from another country sometime, they have it harder than here. Babies need mommies even if they're in a military family, it doesn't matter as long as it's still a family with lots of love. =] good luck with whatever you do.

RedShadoe0

I didn't read every comment but i don't believe its selfish AT ALL for you to adopt even if you can have children... I totally agree that there are sooooo many children in the system that need a loving family... To me those 'selfish' statements are asinine. It's completely opposite in my opinion... Totally selfless to take on someone else's child as your own.
Like I've stated before I don't think being in the military will be that much of a hinderance. But i may be biased. The military is a steady job with good health care. Being raised in the military, for me, was a blast. And its a fact I'm extremely proud of.
More power to you for wanting to do that honey. I'd prolly start the adoption process now just in case it does take 2 years or more.
Good luck!!! I hope you get the little girl of your dreams!!!

Molly

I couldn't agree with you more @RedShadoe0. You are right on all counts! First @Leggs2011, you are not being selfish at all and it is ridiculous for you to be called that. Second, just because you are a healthy mother doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to adopt. I know three healthy mothers that had their own babies and THEN adopted! Just because they are capable of having their own children doesn't mean they should be denied the privilege of adopting a child.

And third, military is a plus! Why wouldn't it be? Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.