Sh*t just got real

mummy_to_be

I'm seriously over it. I almost have no words to explain how angry I am so I'll just explain the story. The x and I were getting along great as FRIENDS. We're defiantly better off friends. So I invite him over tO discuss our daughters first birthday and organize it, and he let's me know that his mum is having a second one. Ummm why? Because she doesn't want to come to mine.. Well too bad!!! But no, he doesn't want his mummy to miss out so he agreed that it was a great idea. AND there inviting half my guest list. All his friends, and his massive family.. Which means I may as well cancel the hall and have it in my backyard with my few friends and tiny family... Meaning mum and dad.. Who are getting a divorce as we speak... Great... So what's the catch?? I'm not invited... And I was supposed to be ok with that.

captivated

No. HELL no. Tell him that they can come to her birthday party and that you will not be a party to separating her family. that they need to deal with their emotions for the sake of their grandchild. If they can't? Then they will NOT get her for the party and they can host it without her there. That is RIDICULOUS and pisses me off!

Do they plan to do this her entire life? Separatw everything? And think that's not going tohave a negative affect on her? It surely won't have any sort of a good one.

Why do they dislike uou so much!!

jules

I know its very upseting bc its her first birthday and u wanted everyone together but u guys aren't together I mean this is normal when parents aren't together his free to have his own party I mean I have step daughter and she 6 now and for years now we always done seperate stuff it really isn't that bad make whatever plans u want send out ur invites or let people know however and no matter what ur daughter will love it and have fun they always do especially the younger they are they don't know. Don't worry about what's his doing or his family things will be a lot less stress free if u just do what u think is right and fun for u and ur daughter even if its just u guys

mummy_to_be

@captivated I can't do anything about it. He said he will just have the party on his weekend. So pretty much the next time she goes there, they will have the party! @jules my problem is that we were happy to have a huge first birthday with everyone there. Me and her father were getting along. Obviously not now. I don't want her put between two families. Not this early on. I understand Xmas etc, or if he lived far away. But he has just taken half of my guest list so the party im throwing her is going to be tiny and almost pointless. I just don't like these problems there already causing which seems like it will have a negative effect on my daughters life. Anyway, I will try my best to ignore it and continue my life without that side of the family. I just hope in future they don't start playing her off between families. It seems like that is where this is headed

captivated

I totally understand separate occasions when the parents aren't together, that's totally normal. But when they are? That is strange and insanely vindictive.

perly

Im not trying to say that you are wrong, but @jules is right. As long as your daughter has a great communication with both your family and his, there's really no reason why his family should have to be in direct contact with you, even if its only for her birthday. Honestly, in what i've seen and lived, it only makes his family feel more entitled to have a say in more important decisions about your daughter. It happened between my parents, it happened with my brother and my niece and its happened in pretty much every other person i know that has gone through a separation.

You have every right to be upset, because the ideal thing is that your daughter can enjoy her birthday with both of you present... But it doesn't always work that way unfortunately. Im sorry you have to go through this. I think this is one of the downfalls of parenting.

mummy_to_be

@captivated we aren't together. We're on and off all the time but ATM were getting along very well and we only separated a week ago. @perly we both wanted to do her party together. His mum is the only person who wasn't ok with it. I don't think it's for her to say but she always gets involved and he always listens to her. She doesn't even like my child. Both me an her father agree on that. She's only doing this to be spiteful to me. I understand that in other situations, seperate birthdays ect is normal, but we wanted to do this together. His other family love me and think this is silly. We all get along fine, it's just my daughters grandmother who no one gets along with. I'm ok with seperatebirthdays really, I'm just not ok with her reasons behind it. I feel like this is going to be a constant thing. Next thing I'll find out that she's bagging me to my daughter, or feeding her full of Things I don't allow her to eat just to take control of me seeing as there isn't anything u can do about it. I have a daughter to another relationship and we have NEVER had these problems. I throw her a party and her father and his new family come. We have separate xmas' obviously, and she has a few nights at her dads on her bday n does a cake etc. so I don't think there is a 'normal'.

jules

@perly is right yes it hard and it sucks cause there's drama and people can be little crazy and selfish but what my husband and I have learned and it took years is that we don't have control of what his ex decides or why she decides it if its bc of her family or bc of her friends or randome people feeding her crap. trust me we have been through soo much drama with her but there's nothing we can do and ur daughter will only be effected by it if u let it what I mean is if u let it get to u she will know and as she gets older she will ask why and want answers and start feeling the pain if u show her its not big deal even if sometimes ur totally annoyed like right now and u think they are bunch of idiots as long as u are happy she will be happy and if u keep letting them get to u ur ibviosuly not happy about the situation and they know that. U need to practice by telling urself it doesn't matter and life goes on day by day minute by minute u continue doing what ur daughter needs from u and he can do whatever. And honestly the kids don't mind having two parties or people not being able to be at same place as long as u don't show them its because of drama. These types of things happen with most of americans now days with how many divorces their are and children of divorce and I know happy kids when families are the rock and unhappy kids when parents get sucked into the drama. Keep telling urself it doesn't matter and practice it by just focusing on u two nothing else not his family and what they think. Do not let them bring u down that will have more of an affect on ur daughter in the long run then having small party rather then big party. As long as they have fun which all children love their birthdays as long as there's a cake hehe they don't really care whose there or whose not they are not adults and don't have that kind of emotional connection with people until much older in which cause she will know the truth. And for now its ur job to be her mother continue being good mother that u are provide for her care for her love her play with her be there emotionally and she will know u were always there no matter what and she will always love u and come to u for everything bc u are her rock and ur the stable one. At the end of the day that's all that matters.

mummy_to_be

@jules thank you. I needed that!! I guess I do need to get over it. I have this exact situation with my other daughter, but her father is so easy going and we get along great. I guess I'm just not used to this nasty stuff. My eldest does get upset that she has to do two xmas'. We're very close and she hates leaving me but she wants to see her dad so I see how torn it can make a child. She get very frustrated because she wants both but unfortunately can't have both. And that's with parent that get along very well. I guess in just scared that things will e even worse for my youngest seeing as there is so much hate in he fathers family. I guess I need to take a breather and just deal with it when it comes!! Xx

perly

I absolutely understand, and i see your point. Like i said, the ideal thing would be that you can both spend that day with your daughter but it doesn't always work that way. This situation that you've been put in is just completely unfair and simply wrong. I hope he has a change of heart.
The only good piece of advice i can give you is always be the smart one and pick your battles. Sometimes you'll have to give into things that will ruin your plans, but in the long run those sacrifices will be greatly appreciated by your daughter.

And one last thing, if for whatever reason your x's mom talks crap about you to your daughter... your daughter will grow up to not have any kind of respect for her grandma, because your actions will show her that her grandma is a big fat liar and instigator.

mummy_to_be

@perly lol thank you!!! Yeah I guess this isn't worth fighting over. I hope after getting what she wants, and not getting a response out of me, that she gets over it and stops!!! Playing games with someone's life is no fun when those games aren't played back!!! I won't let it bother me unles it bothers my daughter. THEN I'll kick some but haha

jules

that's great thinking just don't have reaction she Will see she can't get to you.

perly

You're welcome. I hate when kids have to go through a separation because my parents went through one and my childhood was literally ruined. Now my brother went through a separation too and now his daughter is suffering so much and it hurts me because i feel like Im not doing anything to help her. This subject just really hits home for me.

MissAmErika

Dude that lady is retarded, and her party is gonna suck without you.

cheekyerin

Maybe say ok u can have her a party but not my guests give em a call maybe give em heads up

mummy_to_be

@perly it's so horrible its getting worse. Now my x is saying all usual "wish I never met u" stuff and won't leave me alone to get on with it. @missamerika haha love it!!!!! Best call lol @cheekyerin I can't lol. There all her and her husbands family and my daughters fathers friends. I'm still inciting the family but not sure that they will come