putting your husband/wife first...

lovingmyunbornlovingmyunborn
edited March 2011 in Pregnant
I feel as if women are looked down upon when they make a decision to put their husband first before friends, family and even *gasp* their babies. Its like theyre unfit parents. I personally dont feel bad or guilty about my decision, it actually feels natural to me but i feel like the world thinks i should be ashamed to say my hubby is number one and my child is number 2 and thats just the way it is..dont get me wrong we looooooveee our unborn with every fiber in our bodies but we both know that after all is said and done our children will go on to create their own lives and all we'll have is eachother...does anyone disagree with me or even feel the same???
*** this is both of our first marriage and first child
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Comments

  • vanessa90vanessa90
    Hmmm you do have a point there....put personally I would have it be the other way around I would never put a man before my child even if it is the father of my child an I kno he would say the same...because Yu never know things May not always work out an then what u change ur priorities an make ur kid ur number 1 now that bbydaddy ain't in the picture??I wouldnt feel right....my kid will always be my number 1 am living for him now every thing I do frm here on out will be for him:) not anyone else
  • kkmommykkmommy
    I don't disagree with you necessarily, I'm not married but even if I were my babies would always come first. And I honestly believe when you meet your child, your heart will change :-) I don't think its something you can control...
  • myowndisaster23myowndisaster23
    Yeah, I can see your point but I have to say my babies come first. My husband will say the same. I too agree that your perspective might change once your baby is born. But don't get me wrong, you have to make time for your hubby/bf and still nurture that relationship.
  • bummy87bummy87
    sorry but my kids come first b4 me n b4 hubby I told If I had complications in labour n he has to choose me or the baby he chooses the baby cause either way he'd never see me again cause to me kids r no1
  • jalemjalem
    For me it isn't one it theother at this point... my baby and my Bf are a pair... if I lost Bf it would be like I lost baby... if I lost baby I'm sure id lose.Bf mentally.. in my mind... it happened with my last miscarriage as soon as I lost baby I stopped loving my ex... when thebaby is born I don't know if it would change but I honestly think its like having more than one kid... you don't love oneemore than the other you stretch your heart to fit both of them... love is infinate... but in sure if it came to feeding baby or Bf is choose baby rcause I'm all it has to survive
  • myowndisaster23myowndisaster23
    Yeah, its not about loving one or the other more really but my babies need their mommy, my husband doesn't need me and I don't need him but we chose each other. My babies didn't ask to be here, I asked for them and so I feel I owe them the world. But my family (hubby and kids) are my biggest priority.
  • kdole3kdole3
    The Bible says you should put God as number 1 then your husband at number 2 then your kids as number 3. Harder to do than say.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    How is it effective to be a parent if you put your spouse before your child though? Where does the Bible say that? Not being confrontational or anything but I was raised in a religious household and have never heard the Bible say to put your children last. God first, definitely. But children last? How does that make sense for the child to not be put first since you are supposed to "bring up the child in the way it should go" according to the Bible, and your spouse is an adult while your child is fully dependent on you as the parent. Not really directed at you, I have seen a couple other posts saying that and it really stumps me as to the logic of that statement.
    @kdole3
  • rlwbabyrlwbaby
    I agree with u I'm the same way
  • kdole3kdole3
    When you read the Bible as a whole, you will find that the order of priority is this: 1. God -God comes first before all else. We cannot be whole human beings without Him. 2. Spouse -Your spouse comes second only to God, as you are one flesh and each half of the whole. However, neither can be whole without God. 3. Children -Your children come third. They are a big part of your family, and are the fruit of your marriage. Nothing else comes before your children, except your spouse and God. 4. Everything else -Everything else, including school and your job take a back seat to your family and God. While there is no one scripture that outlines this priority list, it can be found when you study all of scripture. Each element is mentioned in some fashion in some scripture, either Old Testament or New Testament.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    I just don't interpret it that way. I feel like God wants us to put our children first, as a couple, for the well-being and health of the child which God blessed us with. Clearly God is always first, since His guidance is what helps us make decisions. Agree to disagree I suppose. Some of the Bible is subjective and I believe God will
    lay on your heart what is right for you. Best wishes!
  • jbandno3jbandno3
    I agree with you, if you marriage is lacking, and you don't have a good relationship with your spouse your children will suffer. I don't think @lovingmyunborn is saying that if the baby is needing fed etc that she is going to ignore it if her hubby needs something. I think its more that the marriage relationship shouldnt get lost in the midst of raising kids.
  • magcawmagcaw
    I think your marriage must come first. Children suffer horribly living in unhealthy relationships, and that is just as detrimental as neglect. I'm not saying that I love my husband more than my sons, that love is quite different, but my relationship with my kids needs little work. It's a natural, very forgiving love. With my husband it is a work in progress all the time, and so requires more effort and more concentration on both of our parts. Obviously in terms of needs my kids come first, but I don't think that's the same thing as making your marriage a priority.
  • tashaizaqttashaizaqt
    Babies first all the way...it doesn't mean u love your hubby any less its a whole different kind of love a mother has for her babies then for her husband. Your baby NEEDS you for everything your husband can survive on his own and if he makes u choose between the 2 then that's just crazy.
  • Boho_ChicBoho_Chic
    I agree. I feel that in a healthy relationship as long as the child is notneglected and put above both of you alls needs. That is a successful situation.
  • 1_mama_squared1_mama_squared
    I strongly disagree. Children should always come first, regardless. You may feel that your hubby comes first but this is your first child so you'll probably feel differently once he/she is here. I always want my children to come first to my husband also, I don't mind taking a backseat to them. They are more important. Even to this day I know I could call my mom, tell her I needed her and she'd be on a plane within the hour. She has always told my dad that the kids come first and he agrees. I don't think I know a single mom that would pick her hubby over her kids.
  • BabyRosaleeBabyRosalee
    I agree that having your child will change u but I am with u, my hsbd comes before anyone else in life. We lost a Baby and I'd be dead if it.weren't for him. We both TOGETHER put our children first and know that without each other we couldn't take.care of them. After my own childhood experience, I sought a partner who would be a good father whether or not we stay together til the end. He is my favorite person in the world.
  • tzetzebebetzetzebebe
    I think that everyone is taking this too literally. By putting ur husband or wife first u are doing ur children a justice by keeping a healthy family in tact. so really by putting ur husb/wife first ur best interest is in raising those children with a healthy view of relationship and family. so I know its hard to read between the lines...because that's what I thought at first too but if u really see what the product of having a healthy relationship with ur spouse does for ur children its almost as if u r
  • lemusique1lemusique1
    I definately think that the biblical interpretation is just that, particularly since the entire foundation of our religion (Christianity) is based on the immaculate conception and sacrifice of God's son....which is referred to as God's ultimate sacrifice and expression of love...so there was none higher than His child.

    Even the test of Abraham, was the sacrifice of his son. And, in truth, there are countless examples in the bible where the children are far more than just fruits of marriage, but practically one of the basic reasons for it.

    However, I'm sure that as a young couple with no children, the concept of loving another person you don't know eclipsing or even matching the love of a person you chose is a difficult one to comprehend...

    ...but trust me, when you look into your child's eyes you will see a part of God Himself and understand why his Son meant so much to Him. The wonder, the beauty, the delicateness...and yet the strength of that baby will astound you.

    Your marriage will grow stronger as your nuture your child, and love your child.

    Your lives will begin to shape around that child, and if you love each other well enough, you will grow closer and have much to enjoy when you have your 2nd honeymoon 21 years from now.

    Best Wishes and God bless,

    Mother of 4 already (2 boys,2 girls in that order) an expecting our daughter in 11 weeks and 1 day, June 8th
  • mom60511mom60511
    The best thing you can do for your child is have a healthy relationship with their other parent. P.S. I realize easier times this is not possible. If the parents are happy it makes their job being parents easier.
  • Kriss82001Kriss82001
    @kdole3 I'm just wondering, kinda playing devils advocate, not saying you're wrong. But you said as you read through the bible that's how it is. Could just be that should be the correct timeline, not order of priorities? You are born with God, & then you are supposed to get married (because your not supposed to have children out of wedlock), and then you have children? Just curious.
  • bexbex
    I work in child protection so for me red flags shoot up when I hear about people putting their spouse before their children. Children depend 100% on their parents. They can't up and leave if their needs aren't being met, your spouse can. I see people put their children last on a daily basis and it's tragic. I see people neglect their children's needs because they can't meet everyones needs and the children come last in the household. Most frequently I see people protect their spouses when they abuse. It's beyond me. I can't understand it. But that's the reasoning - "my spouse comes first." If that's the case, why even bother bringing little beings into the world who are going to depend on you for love and protection to the fullest extent if you can't put them first?

    I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh but I am just sick and tired of it.
  • 1_mama_squared1_mama_squared
    I don't understand why everyone is saying that your relationship with your husband comes first. If you EVER have to sacrifice your children's happiness to make your husband happy there is seriously something wrong!!! I don't care if I end up alone because my husband wasn't happy... as long as my children are happy that is all that matters. I would much rather that than be happy with my husband 20 years from now yet my children refuse to talk to me because I never put them first. CHILDREN COME FIRST. PERIOD.
  • 1_mama_squared1_mama_squared
    @bex... I 100% completely agree. Well said. Why have kids???
  • mom60511mom60511
    I don't think anyone here is talking about letting the child suffer.
  • magcawmagcaw
    So you all seriously see no difference between putting needs first and making an effort in a relationship? Seriously? Common sense is an amazing thing to use--no one here is talking about putting food on their husband's plate instead of their child's, or ignoring the well-being of their kids just because their husband wishes it. That's idiotic. Obviously some people do that...and they're idiots, plain and simple. But neglecting your marriage and your relationship with your significant other WILL lead to that relationship fracturing and/or ending. I grew up in a home where my parents fought non-stop, to the point where we had noise complaints from the neighbors. I literally begged them to divorce...it was horrible. I didn't learn what a healthy relationship was from them. My mom put us first, always, and no man could possibly hope to compete. I adore my mother, don't get me wrong, and I don't judge her for her choices, but her relationship skills sucked. Personally, I don't want to have to compete with my kids for my husband's affection, and I don't want him to feel like he has to compete, either. I also like to know that if I need him, he'll be there for me and not blow me off because the kids want him to play a video game and they always come first. If we are having a half hour of 'our' time (even of that time is coffee and talking after breakfast on a Saturday), then my kids know that for the next half hour they need to amuse themselves or each other. If someone's hurt or we're really needed for something, 'our' time ends early, obviously, but still--we do what we can to make sure that we make our relationship a priority and our kids know that we are just as important to eachother as they are to us. We are a family and that love needs to be everywhere--I don't want my kids to think that my husband and I are connected only by them. Your relationship with your spouse won't grow after having kids unless you make it grow. Children are overwhelming and it's easy to get lost in them and forget each other. @bex and at @1_mama_squared -- I didn't get married and have kids so that I could get divorced a few years later and teach my kids that marriage/parnership is fleeting and unimportant and not something worth working at. I chose to have children because I love my husband and I wanted us to raise a family together, and our family (all relationships included) are priority. The difference is that I love my kids unconditionally. My marriage requires work.
  • Newmommy17Newmommy17
    I guess it depends what you mean by putting the spouse first
  • chelsanstinechelsanstine
    edited March 2011
    You can not and will not have a healthy supportive relationship with your spouse and children if you are "placing" them like they are on a damn score board. My boyfriend and I and our baby are a team, we are all in this together no one is more important than the family as a whole.
  • kdole3kdole3
    edited March 2011
    I totally agree with chelsantine. That's what my family is a team. My husband and I do disagree on disciplining our children some times.
  • jbandno3jbandno3
    Thank you @magcaw, I so agree that your relationship with your spouse takes work and my kids love me unconditionally. I am at home with my kids all day, my children and I work on our relationship then. My husband and I make a date night or take a weekend away to have time for us. I grew up in a home that my patents divorced when I was 9, I too did not get married and have children just to get divorced later on because I neglected my husband. My children's needs are met above and beyond feeding clothing and loving them. I do not feel one bit bad for making time for working on my relationship with my husband. There is no a scorecard here as @ chelanstine put it. I love my husband and kids in such different ways, that I cant explain it. I don't love one more than the other, just differently.
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