Need Prayers from all My Preglies... News No Beuno *kinda long*
Regretfully and with a heavy heart it pains me to have to type this and it be true.
Beginning Friday evening, I kinda noticed that my son's movement had decreased some. I didn't worry me for a while because I know babies have lazy days just like us and I did not want to make a huge deal our worry myself to death, because I truly had a gut feeling he was fine. Well Saturday morning came around and I still had not felt much activity from him...his prime time is usually around 6 a.m and that's went he is all over the place bouncing off the ways like a crazy person so my worry peaked then. I went to work and left early yesterday afternoon to the ER and was sent to L&D. The whole time I was calm and optimistic, I had even told a co-worker before I left to go get checked out that I felt he was okay. That The Lord knows how hard Chris and I have tried and He wouldn't let us make it this far and take our blessing away. I truly believed that with my whole heart.
So at l&d they hooked the monitors and such up to my belly and the nurse kept positioning it at different angles and I coulda sworn I thought I heard his heart beat, then they brought another RN in with a u/s monitor and tried finding it on the monitor. I was watching but it was hard for me to make anything out on the machine they were using, The picture wasn't very clear. It was quite fuzzy, after a few minutes of looking they left and my Dr. came in after about 15 minutes and he tole me what was going on. He explained the heartbeat I was hearing was mine and they were not able to detect or sons. He tried again and went over his whole body point by point, when he got to the stomach area, he scrolled up to the chest area and showed us where the heart cavity was. I could then clearly not see my sons heart flickering on the screen like it was supposed to. :-((
I am beyond stunned. I do not know what went wrong. My husband and I are so crushed. It is just soooo much to understand. Especially since Thursday I had my 31 wk appointment and everything was fine. There was no need for any worry or concern. I am baffled at why after two previous losses, I make it this far in my THIRD pregnancy and still not get the precious baby Chris and I so faithfully loved and desperately wanted. I know several women have been in my shoes and my loss is no greater nor sorrowful than theirs but I just feel so betrayed, unwanted, all the emotions you can think of right now. Like why our son? Why did Maxwell have to leave us? We were supposed to meet him in just 8 sort weeks but now I am meeting him this week, I have to birth my son and he isn't coming home with us ever.
It's so hard to not blame myself. I just keep questioning the "what-if"s and "maybes" This current trial my husband and I are facing is really a tried and true test of a faith and trust in God. I know no one has any answers but Him and some things just aren't meant for our understanding. So please pray for us, as we begin this grieving and healing process.
Thanks to all you wonderful ladies that read this, May you be blessed.
Beginning Friday evening, I kinda noticed that my son's movement had decreased some. I didn't worry me for a while because I know babies have lazy days just like us and I did not want to make a huge deal our worry myself to death, because I truly had a gut feeling he was fine. Well Saturday morning came around and I still had not felt much activity from him...his prime time is usually around 6 a.m and that's went he is all over the place bouncing off the ways like a crazy person so my worry peaked then. I went to work and left early yesterday afternoon to the ER and was sent to L&D. The whole time I was calm and optimistic, I had even told a co-worker before I left to go get checked out that I felt he was okay. That The Lord knows how hard Chris and I have tried and He wouldn't let us make it this far and take our blessing away. I truly believed that with my whole heart.
So at l&d they hooked the monitors and such up to my belly and the nurse kept positioning it at different angles and I coulda sworn I thought I heard his heart beat, then they brought another RN in with a u/s monitor and tried finding it on the monitor. I was watching but it was hard for me to make anything out on the machine they were using, The picture wasn't very clear. It was quite fuzzy, after a few minutes of looking they left and my Dr. came in after about 15 minutes and he tole me what was going on. He explained the heartbeat I was hearing was mine and they were not able to detect or sons. He tried again and went over his whole body point by point, when he got to the stomach area, he scrolled up to the chest area and showed us where the heart cavity was. I could then clearly not see my sons heart flickering on the screen like it was supposed to. :-((
I am beyond stunned. I do not know what went wrong. My husband and I are so crushed. It is just soooo much to understand. Especially since Thursday I had my 31 wk appointment and everything was fine. There was no need for any worry or concern. I am baffled at why after two previous losses, I make it this far in my THIRD pregnancy and still not get the precious baby Chris and I so faithfully loved and desperately wanted. I know several women have been in my shoes and my loss is no greater nor sorrowful than theirs but I just feel so betrayed, unwanted, all the emotions you can think of right now. Like why our son? Why did Maxwell have to leave us? We were supposed to meet him in just 8 sort weeks but now I am meeting him this week, I have to birth my son and he isn't coming home with us ever.
It's so hard to not blame myself. I just keep questioning the "what-if"s and "maybes" This current trial my husband and I are facing is really a tried and true test of a faith and trust in God. I know no one has any answers but Him and some things just aren't meant for our understanding. So please pray for us, as we begin this grieving and healing process.
Thanks to all you wonderful ladies that read this, May you be blessed.
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