born sleeping.
From the beginning of my pregnancy i had a feeling like something would go wrong, at first it was a miscarriage that i was fearing in the first trimester, then it was not making it to the age of viability. but after passing both of those goals, i thought i was okay..even though i still had a bad feeling like it was too good to be true. but even my midwife confirmed that i have had a perfect pregnancy. ALL my labs have came back perfect. blood pressure was perfect every time, little to no swelling. my stomach was measuring great for how far along i was...but i still had that bad gut feeling, deep in my heart i just knew something bad was going to happen. I prayed all the time that i was wrong though. i mean who wants to think that their baby wont make it? i thought of multiple scenarios where something bad could happen. And i thought of multiple scenarios where something good could happen after the bad. I, of course, wanted the best outcome. For about a month i had a dream that i gave birth to Isabella and she was not moving, crying, anything...but later would be in the NICU and be fine. i had that dream all the way until wednesday, November, 23, 2011. on thanksgiving i was going about my usual business, joking, laughing, eating, having fun with my family and robert. Isabella wasnt moving much but i thought it was because i had eaten way too much and that she didnt have a lot of room to move. (silly, i know) she only moved about 4 times that day. Saturday morning i woke up from a dead sleep and yelled at robert to get up cause i felt like something was wrong with Isabella. While i was sleeping i remembered that i hadnt felt her move at all on friday...not one single nudge from her. He, half awake, told me to go back to bed and that she was fine. But i told him i was too scared to go back to sleep. i called my midwife and she told me to poke her, shake her, and bang pots and pans infront of my stomach to wake her up, but to only try for 10-15 minutes and if i felt nothing then to go straight to labor and delivery. I tried for 5 minutes and called my mom to come pick me up to take me to the hospital. i woke my dad up and told him i would be back in a little bit. He was worried that something was wrong too, i could see it in his eyes.
We got to the hospital and got checked in. went to triage, and the nurse was getting the heartbeat monitor ready. i looked at my mom and at robert and i told them i knew something was wrong. The nurse put the monitor on my stomach and tried to find the heartbeat. She couldnt find it, she tried for about 5minutes...it felt like eternity though. I looked at her face to see if she was worried, but she didnt look like she was. She left the room to get the ultrasound machine and the charge nurse. I looked at robert and i started crying. He grabbed my hand and i could tell he was scared of what they were going to say too. THe charge nurse and the nurse came back in and put the gel on me and did the ultrasound..i watched the screen the whole time. I saw nothing, no movement, no heartbeat...nothing. Before the words came out of her mouth my heart sank. My baby was dead. The charge nurse looked at me and told me with the coldest voice "i'm sorry, but your baby is dead..."
I felt robert grip my hand tighter and My mind went blank. i felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. all i could hear was my mom. "Oh god no, please, no!" I didnt even hear what the nurse's were saying to me anymore. I looked at robert and he was crying like ive never seen before. all i could think about was Isabella.the charge nurse left to do something. I was crying so bad by then that the nurse just held me and said she was so sorry over and over again. I felt like i was in a daze. i sat up and held robert. my mom called my dad and i could hear him crying. The nurse called my midwife and she came in and took me to get another ultrasound. This time i stared at the screen intently searching for the heartbeat. Still nothing. Robert and i sat there crying. The ultrasound tech left the room crying and so did my midwife. They came back in and took us to another room in antepartum. i sat on the bed with robert as my midwife explained what the next step was for me. i didnt hear what she was saying, my mind was still trying to process that my little isabella was no longer alive. She left the room and i called roberts mom and told her that isabella was dead. All she got out was "where are you?!?! ill be right there!" My dad arrived about 15 minutes after my mom called him. He had ran from my house to the hospital with my brother. He looked and me and then robert and broke down. he hugged robert and i and was speachless. Roberts mom came in next and was frantic. asking a million questions and standing right in my face. she went and got the nurse asking her a bunch of questions as well.
I asked everyone to leave the room and robert and i sat there in silence. Crying. The only thing he said was "Not my little girl" all i could think to say was sorry. he quickly told me to stop and said it wasnt my fault. but i felt so bad, like i failed him. He told me multiple times that it was not my fault over the next few days. My midwife came in and i asked her what was going to happen next. She explained that i was going to be induced cause i couldnt carry her inside me like that for too long. I told her i didnt want to. Why would i want to give birth to my baby knowing she was dead. Obviously i knew that wasnt an option..but i still didnt want to. I was sent home to gather my things and then returned to the hospital to be induced. over the next 5 days they poked me with needles and took my blood pressure and temperature every couple of hours. they tried pitocin and cervidil, and cidotec, off and on. they kept telling me that "since my baby was dead i had more options for pain medication.." everytime they said those words it made me cringe.
After 5 days in the hospital with absolutely no results i came to the conclusion that the reason why my body wasnt releasing my baby was because i wasnt ready to let go. I had my uncle come in and bless me and isabella that day, while he was doing so i asked God to take her, i was ready for her to be release if he was going to return her to me some day.
We got to the hospital and got checked in. went to triage, and the nurse was getting the heartbeat monitor ready. i looked at my mom and at robert and i told them i knew something was wrong. The nurse put the monitor on my stomach and tried to find the heartbeat. She couldnt find it, she tried for about 5minutes...it felt like eternity though. I looked at her face to see if she was worried, but she didnt look like she was. She left the room to get the ultrasound machine and the charge nurse. I looked at robert and i started crying. He grabbed my hand and i could tell he was scared of what they were going to say too. THe charge nurse and the nurse came back in and put the gel on me and did the ultrasound..i watched the screen the whole time. I saw nothing, no movement, no heartbeat...nothing. Before the words came out of her mouth my heart sank. My baby was dead. The charge nurse looked at me and told me with the coldest voice "i'm sorry, but your baby is dead..."
I felt robert grip my hand tighter and My mind went blank. i felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. all i could hear was my mom. "Oh god no, please, no!" I didnt even hear what the nurse's were saying to me anymore. I looked at robert and he was crying like ive never seen before. all i could think about was Isabella.the charge nurse left to do something. I was crying so bad by then that the nurse just held me and said she was so sorry over and over again. I felt like i was in a daze. i sat up and held robert. my mom called my dad and i could hear him crying. The nurse called my midwife and she came in and took me to get another ultrasound. This time i stared at the screen intently searching for the heartbeat. Still nothing. Robert and i sat there crying. The ultrasound tech left the room crying and so did my midwife. They came back in and took us to another room in antepartum. i sat on the bed with robert as my midwife explained what the next step was for me. i didnt hear what she was saying, my mind was still trying to process that my little isabella was no longer alive. She left the room and i called roberts mom and told her that isabella was dead. All she got out was "where are you?!?! ill be right there!" My dad arrived about 15 minutes after my mom called him. He had ran from my house to the hospital with my brother. He looked and me and then robert and broke down. he hugged robert and i and was speachless. Roberts mom came in next and was frantic. asking a million questions and standing right in my face. she went and got the nurse asking her a bunch of questions as well.
I asked everyone to leave the room and robert and i sat there in silence. Crying. The only thing he said was "Not my little girl" all i could think to say was sorry. he quickly told me to stop and said it wasnt my fault. but i felt so bad, like i failed him. He told me multiple times that it was not my fault over the next few days. My midwife came in and i asked her what was going to happen next. She explained that i was going to be induced cause i couldnt carry her inside me like that for too long. I told her i didnt want to. Why would i want to give birth to my baby knowing she was dead. Obviously i knew that wasnt an option..but i still didnt want to. I was sent home to gather my things and then returned to the hospital to be induced. over the next 5 days they poked me with needles and took my blood pressure and temperature every couple of hours. they tried pitocin and cervidil, and cidotec, off and on. they kept telling me that "since my baby was dead i had more options for pain medication.." everytime they said those words it made me cringe.
After 5 days in the hospital with absolutely no results i came to the conclusion that the reason why my body wasnt releasing my baby was because i wasnt ready to let go. I had my uncle come in and bless me and isabella that day, while he was doing so i asked God to take her, i was ready for her to be release if he was going to return her to me some day.
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My midwife came in and opened my legs felt a little and said it was time to push. i looked at robert and told him to call my mom in. i was scared. and my midwife knew it. She looked at me and told me to take a deep breath and that i was going to be okay. So i did so. my mm got in there and the put my legs on the holders and then told me to grab my legs and push..i told them i didnt want to. my exact words were "I dont want to, shes dead, i dont want to push her out like that" Robert grabbed my hand and told me i was going to be okay. my mom grabbed my other hand and told me i could do it. so i grabbed my legs and started pushing. i was crying the whole time. all i could think about was how i wished she were alive. i pushed and pushed and pushed. and she was finally out,Robert cut the cord and i had them put her on my chest with my gown on. the moment they put her on me i started crying even harder. She was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. dark brown semi curly hair. her daddys nose and my lips and cheeks. her tiny little body and long little fingers. and big-little feet (: i was scared to touch her though. her head was soft and giggly. i had the nurse take her off me and wash her, weigh her, and take her measurements. i had her wrap her in a blanket and give her back to me. God she was so pretty. i couldnt take my eyes off her. i handed her to robert and he stared at her crying the whole time. he talked to her and told her he loved her and told her how beautiful she was. It was the most bitter-sweet moment. Our Isabella had come and gone in a blink of an eye. Yet she left the most incredible impact on us and on everyone around us. My brothers and sisters came and saw her. my parents and roberts mom came and saw her. Everyone cried over the loss of our Isabella. even the nurses. And although ill never hear my little girl laugh or cry, i know she is still with me. every time i look at my phone and i see her beautiful face, i cant help but smile. She will always be my Sunshine, and ill always love her with my whole heart. ♥ Isabella Marie Torres is my heart. <3Born 11/30/11 3lbs 11.8oz 17 & 3/4inches. ♥
And I'm sorry about your baby girl, amber. I saw pictures of her, she is gorgeous. She looks a lot like you! (:
@ridkaydence @hodgeslangdon @girlsloveink87 @megaroo
My heart goes out to you mamas!
And thank yyou ladies
@august22baby @bigbelly @jess510 @roxy @mommahadababy @proudmommy8789
@momofsoontobe7 I think a loss at any gestation would be hard. Not just a still born.