I am not acting like a saint. But in my opinion a lie is a lie! Period. She knows she messed up that's why she was trying to smooth it over with balloons and crap.
@ashley_smashley I agree... I dont think she should feel guilty about it though but not telling him what she was doing doesnt help either.... I dont think she did anything wrong UNLESS she feels like she did... But if they just talked and had a few drinks like she said I dont see a problem in that
@char@excitedforoctober I apologize if I came across as holier than thou. I promise that wasn't my intent. I understand and respect that everyone's relationship is different, that's the spice of life, right? I was truly surprised by what people said on here, about not telling him. But that's what I actually do like about this forum. It gives me a chance to hear other sides to a situation and broaden my horizons a bit more. So again, apologies! Cheers.
If I may play devils advocate here: What do you think would have happened had you not argued, ”like old times,” and instead enjoyed yourself? Would you be apt to do it again, risking the chance that something sexual could occur in the future? I honestly think his drinking is just an excuse you are using to justify your actions. I think you need to reevaluate your feelings and wants with regard to your current relationship. If you hold some resentment because he's the cause in delay to conceiving, then you need to ask yourself, ”what will happen if it never happens.” Resentment can be a cruel and nasty emotion to harbor and can cause you to react in kind, as is evidenced by your recent behavior.
My mom has a saying, un dicho, ”el costumbre es más fuerte que el amor.” Perhaps you are no longer in love, but rather stuck and need help moving forward. Good luck. You have some serious thinking to do.
I love that bc I am saying something that is the opposite of the majority that I am acting 'saintly'. I wasn't mean...I was truthful I wasn't sugar coating the situation.
If she is unhappy with her current BF that doesn't make her a bad person, or him...it's ok to decide that things aren't how you thought.
@natshalynn I was the exact opposite what is the harm in having drinks with an ex. Like I said it would be different if she actually cheated. On the other hand maybe if the bf is getting drunk all the time maybe she should give him the boot.
I really don't think a man can understand that a woman does't have to be thinking of sex to spend time having fun with someone. At least I don't think about knocking boots with every guy I talk to.lol
@everyone thank everybody for your opinions I'm in all reality left speechless so many thoughts have been Crossing my mind. Some of you said to own up to my mistake I have owned up to my mistake I know it was wrong the regsrdles of his actions. Did I tell him I was with the bd I did not tell him and I have my reasons sorry if I disappointed some of you. Now I ask myself have I not been able to conceive a baby for almost 6 years because me and boyfriend are not meant to be?? Or is my relationship falling apart because I can't conceive?? I need no response. Like a lot of you said I need to sit back and really think about what's going on what is that I want and what it is that's going to happen
@char don't get me wrong, I'd be pissed too about him drinking all the time. I just kind of saw at as he's not meeting her needs (attention, affection whatever it may be), so she went elsewhere for it. And if he wasn't having his needs met (sex, attention, feeling wanted) and he went to his ex shed be really upset. But as always, there's more to the story, and nothing is ever white and black, ya know? Lol @ knocking boots. I love that expression. I totally understand where everyone is coming from, what I said were my initial thoughts on the situation, but with stuff like this, its different for every relationship! sorry if I made you upset friend!
@Val .... Sometimes its time to walk away or try to work it out... Ask yourself if you think you will be with this man in 20 years and if you would be happy bringing a newborn into this world with him. It doesnt have to be perfect in everyones eyes it just has to make you happy
This man she had drinks with is not just another ex, this man is the father of her child. They have history that ties them together forever. Now, this doesn't justify what she did, but coming from divorced parents, and @Val correct me if im wrong, she may always wonder if there was something she could've done to keep that relationship and keep that family for her child. My mom has been divorced for 18 years, and both my parents have moved on but she says she has always felt some sort of guilt for not being able to stay in her marriage. She said that although there was never violence, my dad and her were never on the same page and she was scared that they would carry that onto us(brother and i). I've always told her that she did what she thought was right, and she shouldn't feel guilty for that but words can't change that.
My point is that, no matter what relationship she is in, this ex will always be a part of her life and his presence will always make her wonder. Maybe you don't necessarily need to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe you need to understand that the relationship with your bd had to end, and that's probably why there wasn't anything you could've done to save it. Its like they say, a child doesn't tie a person to a relationship and that is proof.
@natashalynn oh no, my comment was nit directed towards you! I do agree that a relationship should never be based on lies but I think every situation should be looked at differently.
The ex is an ex for a reason. I'm sure you would not condone your SO to have a drink with an ex to see what could've been done to salvage that relationship, or have a different outcome. This is just another excuse for ones actions. Everyone will always have the, ”what ifs,” in life. It's how you manage those and how they align with your morals that decipher your path in life. I think @Val knows why she made those decisions and in hindsight knows it's was an error in judgment. @perly
@mijita, you are right. I agree with you. I don't condone lying in any relationship. And this ex being the father of her child doesn't justify what she did. That's why i said, that if she has guilt over what could've been, she needs to understand that the relationship got as far as it had to go. If she doesn't step back now, and lets that sink in she will always have problems in future relationships because the what if will be there. Its not about lurking in the past, its about understanding what happened and using it as a lesson to move forward onto bigger and better things. Although things may have came across a different way, im totally with you on this one.
One thing I've learned in my years on this planet is that the people who are the most adamantly anti-____ (fill-in-the-blank behavior) are the people most often licentiously committing said behavior (think: Ted Haggard).
I don't think him uncovering the lie in the future is guaranteed to be worse than him finding out from your mouth today. Say, he somehow finds out five years from now. You two might have a solid long term relationship (and maybe a baby or two) filled with lots of "ups-and-downs" and other events and emotions that create the substance of a relationship. One night talking to the ex might just seem trivial to him compared to everything else you two have been through. (Now if it were full_blown cheating, it might not.)
That being said, if you're not going to tell him, you gotta stop acting so guilty (buying him presents is just going to validate his anger and make it last longer)!!! You've apologized; he should know that you know you were wrong.
@roxy yep! your right we can only say what we might do. but where not the once in the relationship. but @Val I'm glad your able to sit down think about what is really going on between you two. I wish you the best.
@Val I just want you to take this as a lesson. You knew good and well you shouldn't have met up with your BD. Even though those text did make you smile. You were in a relationship.
As we all can see you love your BF and you're sorry for what you did. He has a right to be pissed. You've apologized and that's all you could do. The cards are in his hands now. You now have to wait to see if he'll accept your apology or leave you. You put yourself in this predicament.
OR You could pull him to the side and make him talk to you. That's what I did.
@Val I wouldn't admit who you were with, its obviously eating at you and causing you to hurt. You've learned your lesson and sometimes when the road at home is bumpy we turn to the other person who once made us comfortable, you realized that your heart is with BF so now just rideit out and dont do it again...just my opinion
Tell him the truth. Sooner or later he's gonna find out and he's just gonna think you're a liar. Then he's gonna sit and question every other odd situation and wonder what else you did.
**UPDATE** well sat came around and he started having small talk to with me-- Sunday morning he started having more convo with me. I went to church and lunch with family he stayed home. i came home early about 5 pm and he was watching the niner game drinking-- I didnt say anything abou tthe drinkin-- Sunday night came along hes buzzed; and well the arguing started well i didnt argue i didnt say much i let him talk..i heard what he had to say i agreed with him but i didnt touch the subject about him drinking with friends i still havent i will when things are really cool. all he told me was he was really considering purposing to me but if im gna be playing games its making him think twice which i understand why. he said we've been together for almost 6 yrs let us not throw this relationship away for something dumb.. yesterday and today things are a lil back to normal-- he is the one i want to spend my life with and im gna make things work and do whatever it takes to make that happen
I'm sorry hun. Stuff happens and no one is perfect. I agree in not telling him as I do not think it will be beneficial to your relationship at all. You know you messed up and will not do it again. No use in hurting him further by giving the details. You guys will be fine
I hats fighting.... and then out of nowhere we are back to normal... just takes time. But you shouldn't feel miserable and let the drinking thing go because you feel bad. It will never change unless you let him know WHY you were out. You deserve attention, love and happiness as much as him
well im happy that things are getting better. I think it's good your waiting little until things cool down to have real heart to heart. you're right because right now his still thinking about what been going on and he won't really be thinking about what your telling him about the drinking. I'm sure couple more days and u can have good calm talk and hopefully he will understand where your coming from.
Just some advice don't hang out with ur bd just if u have to talk to him let it only be about ur son don't tell him ur personal life stay with ur bf and don't don't do good things that might look bad
Comments
My mom has a saying, un dicho, ”el costumbre es más fuerte que el amor.” Perhaps you are no longer in love, but rather stuck and need help moving forward. Good luck. You have some serious thinking to do.
I love that bc I am saying something that is the opposite of the majority that I am acting 'saintly'. I wasn't mean...I was truthful I wasn't sugar coating the situation.
If she is unhappy with her current BF that doesn't make her a bad person, or him...it's ok to decide that things aren't how you thought.
I really don't think a man can understand that a woman does't have to be thinking of sex to spend time having fun with someone. At least I don't think about knocking boots with every guy I talk to.lol
My point is that, no matter what relationship she is in, this ex will always be a part of her life and his presence will always make her wonder. Maybe you don't necessarily need to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe you need to understand that the relationship with your bd had to end, and that's probably why there wasn't anything you could've done to save it. Its like they say, a child doesn't tie a person to a relationship and that is proof.
Although things may have came across a different way, im totally with you on this one.
I don't think him uncovering the lie in the future is guaranteed to be worse than him finding out from your mouth today. Say, he somehow finds out five years from now. You two might have a solid long term relationship (and maybe a baby or two) filled with lots of "ups-and-downs" and other events and emotions that create the substance of a relationship. One night talking to the ex might just seem trivial to him compared to everything else you two have been through. (Now if it were full_blown cheating, it might not.)
That being said, if you're not going to tell him, you gotta stop acting so guilty (buying him presents is just going to validate his anger and make it last longer)!!! You've apologized; he should know that you know you were wrong.
As we all can see you love your BF and you're sorry for what you did. He has a right to be pissed. You've apologized and that's all you could do. The cards are in his hands now. You now have to wait to see if he'll accept your apology or leave you. You put yourself in this predicament.
OR You could pull him to the side and make him talk to you. That's what I did.
well sat came around and he started having small talk to with me--
Sunday morning he started having more convo with me. I went to church and lunch with family he stayed home. i came home early about 5 pm and he was watching the niner game drinking-- I didnt say anything abou tthe drinkin-- Sunday night came along hes buzzed; and well the arguing started well i didnt argue i didnt say much i let him talk..i heard what he had to say i agreed with him but i didnt touch the subject about him drinking with friends i still havent i will when things are really cool. all he told me was he was really considering purposing to me but if im gna be playing games its making him think twice which i understand why. he said we've been together for almost 6 yrs let us not throw this relationship away for something dumb.. yesterday and today things are a lil back to normal-- he is the one i want to spend my life with and im gna make things work and do whatever it takes to make that happen