Depending on how i feel about two weeks from now if I'm still going crazy for him Ill suggest counseling but if he refuses there's nothing else I'll try.
@mommylovessparkle only you know your relationship and only you know where to draw the line. Everyone's boundaries are different and you wouldn't be wrong for wanting to work things out. But remember that in order for things to work out, he needs to want it too. If in two weeks you still want to try but he's still doing the same crap, there's no point to even bring up counseling. If you ask me, give yourself a time frame in which you'll consider counseling, but only if he comes and asks for you back. If he comes back trying to get back with you, offer counseling and make it clear that unless he's willing to do it, you won't be going back. If he doesn't come back to you, then that's your sign to move on.
I'm totally agreeing with @perly real change doesn't happen unless the other person wants it for themselves not just for u. He has to want to change. I wouldn't focus on time just focus on u and if he happens at some point to bring it up and u feel like this still then tell him about the counseling and see how he reacts. Watch for ya whatever type thing if it sounds like his just going along with it then its pointless. Hope u have better day tom
So i was talking to him last night for about two hours (over the phone and texting). For the first 35 mins over the phone he said i over reacted and that they met her husband there.. which is total bull because why would she be in the car with him in the first place. The casino is right across from his work and her husband couldn't of picked her up at work first?? Total bull. He was really "frustrated" that i didn't trust him. (I mean who would?) He admitted that if i would do that then he would be mad but he basically told me with an attitude. Not these exact words but something like.. "You know I love you so I don't have to suck up to you, I'm never going to suck up to you, You know how i am so deal with it." When i heard that i was furious like no other.. where the heck did my loving caring boyfriend go?!?!? After we hung up he texted me that he's sorry, he loves me, and that he only wants me. He put it on his mom that he didn't do anything with this girl and don't want her. So i gave each of us a hall pass.. he didn't like that one bit. He refused and when i told him its either the hall pass or me leaving for good he finally agreed. After i mentioned the hall pass things started getting better and he started to open up a little because he was scared of losing me for good. And he said he can't go without me a month and all that kinda stuff. As of right now we can't have any contact for a month and the only rules (we both chose) were no sex and no relationships. I'm feeling pretty good about this decision. I'm going to make him go crazy for me. When i come back we decide if we still want to be together and if we do we go to counseling. While I'm already talking about coming back I'm not going back until i have a whole new (sexy milf lol) look. I'm actually pretty excited.
Well glad u stood up for urself not sure about the hall pass thing sounds like another wall might be build in the relationship if u ever choice to go back. He might take advantage of his version of hall pass. I just don't want u to get hurt ya know. I still think that for now continue focusing on what u need to do for what's best for ur daughter and not having the mind set that things might work out and u will be back right now its important to learn to stand on ur own two feet even if the relationship was to continue if u can stand on ur own two feet it would be good to not live together until there is major change in him and u need to grow for urself not anyone else.
@mommylovessparkle i hope this really does work out for you. Stick to the whole month and pay close attention to his actions during this month. I also don't know what you meant by hall pass, but im hoping that you meant a month in which he has to prove himself to you and that he really is sorry. If it just meant time away from each other, i don't see how you are supposed to be sure that he truly is sorry if you're not demanding him to show you BUT its your relationship and you know what will work for you both so i wish you best of luck
Forcing ultimatums on people usually ends in disaster. I don't like the sound of your plan at all, one of you is bound to get hurt. I know you're hurting already and want to "stick it to him" but please tread lightly because you're walking on very very thin ice. I truly hope it works out for you, just be careful.
@wilsomom its basically a break from our relationship. Like he can be single and so could I. Up to a month. Its better than me leaving for good i want to give this a shot first.
@Jules This time were taking apart is to see if we can handle being without each other, not necessarily being with other people. I figure if he's going to want to be with other people then i can be with other people. I think he's doing it behind my back anyway and me not communicating with him and letting him *think* I'm out having a blast without him is going to make him think that he's losing me for good and hopefully he'll change. When we were talking about it i seen a small change in him I'm pretty certain this month should work.
@perly its a month off being in a relationship. I know it don't sound like a good idea but there is major reasoning behind it. I feel like he's going to do it anyways why not have it in his mind I'm doing something too. I'm not doing anything but my suggesting it started working I'm pretty sure this will work. because I've tried everything you can think of.
@starrxoxo9 i understand, I'm going to be careful and i know that he might do things like i said above but its not like i didn't think he was doing things before. I'm just curious.. what would you do in my situation?
@candy101 i know he's not living it up. He's very shy and don't talk much let alone to anyone he don't know or people who don't have common interests. Even if he lives it up its still going to be in his mind like "what is my girl doing????" "She would've caved by now.." "am i really losing her!?!" Etc.. i might be young but I'm no sucker. Whatever he can do i can do better.
@waitingformybaby oh don't worry that's the first thing I'd make sure he did right. Thank you girl
Well one thing I've learned being in a relationship for 9 years is that nothing you say or do will "make" someone change. When he's ready to grow up he will. If anything, causing him to have these wild thoughts that you're out up to no good is only going to damage the trust he has for you. Even if you're technically not together and you're not doing anything wrong. I also think it's great that you wanna look good and feel better about yourself but do it for you, not him. If I were you and I wanted to stay together I would just stay together and work it out, not try to punish the other person. But you have to decide if you can truly move on from what he did. Also, keep digging for the truth because I can guarantee you haven't even scratched the surface. I've played both sides of that game unfortunately and i can tell just by what you said he told you that he's not being 100% honest about it all.
Well I hope it works for good but I agree with @starrxoxo9 I feel like that's what I've learned through previous relationships before my husband is that when u care and really love someone u naturally want to work it out and he has to want to do it for u and this sounds like a game which could and from what I've seen games don't work always back fire. I really think the problem has to be talked about fixed and see if it can be moved on and a new base can be build right now the relationship doesn't have solid base in which case any little storm makes the house which is ur relationship break down. My hubby had our things and still have disagreements but bc of good base we both wanted to bave while starting to date we always get through it and work together to make the relationship stronger. Bc relationships require work through communication and trust for ever married or not.
@starrxoxo9 i get what your saying, but i can't just be the perfect little housewife while he's playing games. I tried everything in my power to try to make it work. It sucks that its resort down to this. Actually I've dug deep, really deep but i really don't want to see the outcome because I'm scared. I've also been on both sides. After all the hurt and pain he caused me for 4 years I think its my turn.
@perly I really do. In my mind i think he's going to have a feel like life is without me and if he wants me back he knows he has to change.
@Jules i know what your saying and i kept telling him the same exact thing but its like he didn't care. I know he loves me, i know his love hasn't faded its just hidden somewhere in his black heart lol but I'm almost definite this will work.. and well if it don't I'm moving on
I think its better for him to believe that he lost u and u dnt care any more then to believe ur out having fun he'll learn he's lesson by knowing how much u guys mean to him buy acting if u dnt want him any more. some times guys need to be put in there place I think u well get ur family back but he's not gonna learn with a hall pass
Well, only you truly know your situation, but I just don't think being spiteful will get you guys back on track. To me it just seems counter productive. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be pissed as hell but if it was me I'd just break up for real and let the chips fall where they may.
Please be careful, this doesn't sound good to me. I think that a man can take a hall pass much differently than a woman. If you think this is the best thing for you just make sure you will be able to take him back and feel.comfortable with it later on.
Since you said he's like a different person, I'm seriously wondering if he is involved in drugs. That can make people change so much. Especially since you saw the text that was possibly drug related. I'm sorry you're going through this.
@roxy , @starrxoxo9 , @excitedforoctober i completely understand where you guys are coming from and thank you for caring. I'm not trying to spite him i just feel that if he wants to do something he's going to do it anyway. I might as well be able to do something to. We talked about it last night and i can tell and i know for a fact he's not doing anything and i asked him if he truly wants to be with me, if he loves me, if he wants to work it out, and if he wants to spend forever with me and he answered yes to all of them. He basically told me he's looking for another job because this one is putting him under major stress and I'm pretty sure that's why he lashes out. I'm still mad about the girl so i need to give him his own taste of medicine about that and see how he likes it just because I'm super mad. And well.. if he can do it than so can i. We decided that were going to work things out when i come back home , but we also agreed that we need to spend some time apart for a few weeks. As of right now were considered separated until i decide to go back home.
@wilsomom that's where everything gets tricky. I think he might have something to do with drugs but i don't even know. I seen that he bought a bulk pack of baggies but when i confronted him he said they were his brothers. I honestly think that he's just really stressed out from work. His job is really tearing us apart.
I hope it's not that & everything works out. I just noticed when my son started acting out & became a seemingly different person that was why. Good luck & praying everything gets better real soon.
@wilsomom is right people change soo much I dated this guy who I totally thought was jerk and then all the sudden he was super nice to everyone. I mean he was never mean to me but its important for me to see how guys treat others anyways 7 months into the relationship I find out his doing drugs with all his buddies. Well I didn't even think twise it was done. I don't ever see myself putting up with anything like that even if my hubby decided to start up which he wouldn't but still I'm not into people doing drugs or even getting wasted. Having beer with friends or wine with dinner or celebration or just small glass to relax is one thing but people who abuse it just to escape whatever is just soo stupid to me. I do hope his not doing drugs but be careful and good luck!
@Jules i really hope he's not because he used to be such a "thug" when he was a teenager so i thought he'd got it all out of him now. I can understand him going out because he's 21 but he don't have to lie about it.
Oh my gosh his still a baby his for sure not grown out of it in guy years his still 18 they are soo behind. He still has a lot growing up to do as an individual before he can even be there for someone else. There are some men that do grow up in these situations when there are kids involved but its very rare. It sounds like u know what u want to do though so I hope he grows up and if not I hope things still turn out well for u and ur daughter.
@Jules oh boy do i hear you. I completely understand. I know i sound stupid but this is the father of my child and the love of my life. I want to keep trying with him. Its so difficult to just walk away from the one you love unconditionally. Today were taking baby to chuckie cheese so ill let you know how that went when i get home. I've only been away from him 5 days and its already so awkward.
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@jules
@perly
So i was talking to him last night for about two hours (over the phone and texting). For the first 35 mins over the phone he said i over reacted and that they met her husband there.. which is total bull because why would she be in the car with him in the first place. The casino is right across from his work and her husband couldn't of picked her up at work first?? Total bull. He was really "frustrated" that i didn't trust him. (I mean who would?) He admitted that if i would do that then he would be mad but he basically told me with an attitude. Not these exact words but something like.. "You know I love you so I don't have to suck up to you, I'm never going to suck up to you, You know how i am so deal with it." When i heard that i was furious like no other.. where the heck did my loving caring boyfriend go?!?!? After we hung up he texted me that he's sorry, he loves me, and that he only wants me. He put it on his mom that he didn't do anything with this girl and don't want her. So i gave each of us a hall pass.. he didn't like that one bit. He refused and when i told him its either the hall pass or me leaving for good he finally agreed. After i mentioned the hall pass things started getting better and he started to open up a little because he was scared of losing me for good. And he said he can't go without me a month and all that kinda stuff. As of right now we can't have any contact for a month and the only rules (we both chose) were no sex and no relationships. I'm feeling pretty good about this decision. I'm going to make him go crazy for me. When i come back we decide if we still want to be together and if we do we go to counseling. While I'm already talking about coming back I'm not going back until i have a whole new (sexy milf lol) look. I'm actually pretty excited.
Let us know how it goes.
I think making him twist in the wind is a goid ideal. The problem is without contact u will not know if he is twisting or living it up.
@Jules This time were taking apart is to see if we can handle being without each other, not necessarily being with other people. I figure if he's going to want to be with other people then i can be with other people. I think he's doing it behind my back anyway and me not communicating with him and letting him *think* I'm out having a blast without him is going to make him think that he's losing me for good and hopefully he'll change. When we were talking about it i seen a small change in him I'm pretty certain this month should work.
@perly its a month off being in a relationship. I know it don't sound like a good idea but there is major reasoning behind it. I feel like he's going to do it anyways why not have it in his mind I'm doing something too. I'm not doing anything but my suggesting it started working I'm pretty sure this will work.
because I've tried everything you can think of.
@starrxoxo9 i understand, I'm going to be careful and i know that he might do things like i said above but its not like i didn't think he was doing things before. I'm just curious.. what would you do in my situation?
@candy101 i know he's not living it up. He's very shy and don't talk much let alone to anyone he don't know or people who don't have common interests. Even if he lives it up its still going to be in his mind like "what is my girl doing????" "She would've caved by now.." "am i really losing her!?!" Etc.. i might be young but I'm no sucker. Whatever he can do i can do better.
@waitingformybaby oh don't worry that's the first thing I'd make sure he did right. Thank you girl
@perly I really do. In my mind i think he's going to have a feel like life is without me and if he wants me back he knows he has to change.
@Jules i know what your saying and i kept telling him the same exact thing but its like he didn't care. I know he loves me, i know his love hasn't faded its just hidden somewhere in his black heart lol but I'm almost definite this will work.. and well if it don't I'm moving on
@wilsomom that's where everything gets tricky. I think he might have something to do with drugs but i don't even know. I seen that he bought a bulk pack of baggies but when i confronted him he said they were his brothers. I honestly think that he's just really stressed out from work. His job is really tearing us apart.